Until Jared asked me if I wanted a shower.
With him.
The “no” had been right on my tongue, ready to give him one of the hundreds of excuses I’d given everyone before him. But for some reason, I didn’t. Because for the first time ever, I didn’t want to.
My feet slid to the floor, hearing the water already running in the other room. He’d left the door ajar, the steam barely spilling out. It was ridiculous how nervous I was about going into a room I’d been in a million times before, but it was different.
Wiping my hands down my bare legs, I took a tentative step and then another, holding my breath as I walked in. He was already in the shower, his blond hair saturated as his piercing blue eyes looked at me from under the spray. He was hot, rivulets of water snaked its way down, hugging each muscle on his chest and torso before falling to the floor.
Two large towels had been put conveniently close, his eyes raking up and down my body as I neared the stall. “You look pretty content in there,” I asked, opening the glass door and stepping inside. “You sure you want company?”
He didn’t respond, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close. “I don’t want company, Presley. I want you.”
I wasn’t sure if it was him or me that started the kiss, his hands moving to my face as his mouth continued to move.
It was hot, the water cascading between us as my fingers explored his slick chest, our bodies pressing together as we touched each other everywhere. I was turned on, and even though we’d just had sex, I was surprised when I reached for his hard cock that he shook his head.
“We did it once without a condom. But if that’s something you want to keep doing, we need to talk about it when we’re not about to have sex.” A small smile edged at his lips. “And trust me, I want to. But I want for you to be sure.”
It had been a snap decision on my part, so worked up and needy for him that I just didn’t want him to stop. And then, when I thought about it—about having him inside of me with no barriers—it turned me on even more.
I trusted him, and I was so regular with my pill the chances were almost zero. No other medication to interfere with it and I hadn’t been sick, so I was comfortable I wouldn’t end up a statistic for carelessness. But he was right, normally I would have had a discussion about it. Weighed the pros and cons, and then decided.
But I didn’t.
And part of me didn’t care, wanting to feel something else, and so addicted to the high, I’d take the risk.
What was I doing?
I was supposed to be getting back to normal, not throwing out common sense and becoming reckless.
“Presley.” He caught my chin in his hand, not even realizing I’d taken a step back. “Don’t.”
Water fell into my eyes as I blinked, unsure of what he meant until I looked down between us. I hadn’t just taken a step back, but I’d completely let go of him too, my arms wrapped around my middle.
“I know, okay. I know you’re using sex to cope.” His voice was soft, his fingers skimming my jaw. “Baby, I’m not angry. I just need to make sure you’re okay.”
Hearing it out loud was so jarring I gasped, the idea that I was treating him like a sex toy, horrifying. “No, no, no. I love you.” I tried to make excuses, not willing to believe I could be so selfish. “I love you.”
He smiled, his eyes lacking the anger they probably should have. “I know you do, and I love you too. Which is why I haven’t said anything until now. But you raised the stakes and I need to know this isn’t a knee-jerk reaction that ends up taking you away from me.”
My head shook, none of it making sense. “I’m not going to leave. Why would I leave?”
He sighed, his big shoulders rising and falling with the breath. “Because that feeling won’t last, Presley. It will get to the point where it won’t be enough. What I can give you won’t be enough. And I can have sex with you until we’re both raw, that isn’t the problem. But in the end . . . you’re going to need more.”
“How can you say that?” I reared back in horror, wishing I hadn’t agreed to the shower. It was exactly what I’d been afraid of, the air around us thick with steam, while the hurt seeped into the walls. “And more importantly, how can you just accept it?”
“Because this isn’t about me.” He reached behind us, switching off the water. “And deep down, I’m hoping I’m wrong.”
My body shivered, the temperature in the room dropping dramatically and not just because he’d turned off the water. But he wasn’t angry, why the hell wasn’t he angry?
I would’ve been furious. Annoyed even if it was someone I cared about, that they’d been using me as therapy. Because that’s what I was doing. Using one emotion to tamp down another. And yet, he wasn’t even mad.
“You should leave,” my voice broke, a sob hitching in my throat. “Because I’ll probably end up hurting you too. And I just can’t, Jared. I just can’t know that I was responsible for one more person being hurt. I won’t survive that.”
It was like the dam broke, emotions I’d been holding back bubbling to the surface as I crumbled to the base of the stall. Tears I promised I wouldn’t cry, leaked out all the same as every breath came out in a ragged burst that tore my lungs in two.
Jared dropped to his knees, grabbing the towels, wrapping them both around me before he pulled me in his arms. “Presley, you haven’t hurt anyone, and you won’t hurt me. I won’t leave. I can’t leave. There’s only one place for me to be, and that’s with you.”
My head shook, wanting to believe the words he was saying but knowing different. A breath hitched in my throat making it difficult for the words to come out right. “I should’ve never been with him. I should’ve left him sooner. I should’ve filed a police report when he pulled that gun on me. What the hell was I thinking? I knew he was volatile . . . and I let it go. Glad he was gone, thinking he’d only done it to me. I didn’t even think . . .that he’d do something like that to someone else. I was so caught up in myself . . . that I let it go. I could have done more. If I hadn’t been so focused on Diablo . . . and everything else. I’d have seen exactly who he was. And I could’ve stopped it.” The words came out in between sobs, my ability to keep it together falling apart at the seams.
It was too late to stop, tears streaming down my cheeks as my body shook. I hadn’t wanted this, for him—or anyone—to see the mess I’d become. To witness how someone who’d had it all together could unravel so fast and so far. It was just another thing to be disappointed in myself, my inability to keep my shit together and deal like I’d always done before.
He pressed his lips to my forehead, kissing me as he softly rocked us. “Those are lies, Presley. A voice inside your head that has created this alternate reality where you are blaming yourself for shit you couldn’t have known. You’re smart, Pres, but last time I checked, you weren’t fucking psychic.” A small chuckle vibrated against my temple.
“But if I . . . I don’t know . . .something,” I choked out words, unconvinced.
One thing different.
That would have changed the outcome entirely.