“A little, but she’s dealing with a work emergency right now, so I’m able to cook on my own. It’ll give me time to get my thoughts in order before I talk to her.”
“What are you making?” Reid asked. “And if there are any leftovers, can I have them?”
“Really?” Jesse huffed. “Tonight’s about her and her mom, not your incessant stomach.”
“Don’t tell me you don’t want Emma's cooking too,” Reid countered. “Besides, I know that, I’m trying to help her keep from worrying.”
“You three are ridiculous, but I’ll make you food sometime soon, Reid. As for tonight, I’m making salad, lasagna, and some chocolate pudding. I’m hoping since it was things we would have on ‘girl nights’ when my non-bio dad wasn’t home for work stuff that it won’t be too much of a reminder of their divorce and everything. We’ll see though, she’s also bringing home our favorite ice cream.”
As I talked, the meat started to sizzle, so I worked on breaking that up while the guys continued to go back and forth on my cooking. The longer I went about cooking, the more my nerves dissipated. I knew it would probably be a bit hard to get back into that comfort zone of talking to my mom, but it really was what I wanted, so putting in the effort to get there was worth it.
“So, Babydoll, anything in particular you want to do for Valentine’s Day?” Kingston’s question pulled me from my cooking right as I slid the lasagna into the oven a little while later. Standing, I shoved aside a stray lock of hair that had fallen into my face and shut the door.
“I want you three to decide, though knowing Reid that slightly scares me,” I teased, setting the alarm before moving to the pudding. “It’s our first Valentine’s together, and I know it’ll be special no matter what we do.”
“No pressure then, got it,” Kingston joked.
“I have the utmost faith in the three of you,” I reassured them, finishing up the pudding and stashing it in the fridge. Glancing at the clock, I noted it was getting close to dinner time, so as the guys continued to chit chat about random topics, I set the table.
“Oo, I hear the clinking of dishes!” Reid exclaimed. “Almost dinner time, Cali girl?”
“Lasagna has another five or so minutes before I pull the foil off. So about fifteen to twenty and it’ll be ready. You guys eating soon?”
“Now, actually. Mrs. Bell just called down. If you want to talk after dinner, call or text us. Okay, Em?” Jesse relayed.
“I will. Enjoy dinner,” I told them, echoing their goodbyes and hanging up.
As soon as it was quiet, my lip found its way between my teeth in a bubble of nerves. The silence seemed to grow around me, making me uncomfortable, so as I waited for my mom, I turned on the TV in the living room. I didn’t watch whatever cartoon was on, but the cheerful noise in the background helped keep my growing worry from getting worse as I made the salads up. As soon as everything was ready, I sank into a chair and waited.
Twenty minutes passed, my foot bouncing against the chair seat where I had my leg propped up. The jarring movement shook my cheek where it rested on my knee, but I didn’t mind. The repetitive motion helped keep me from checking my phone every couple of moments.
It was when the clock stuck eight-thirty that I started to realize dinner was looking less and less like an option. Picking up my phone for what felt like the twentieth time, I still didn’t have any messages or calls from my mom, so I called her.
One ring.
Two rings.
Three... voicemail.
“Hey, Mom,” I started off, feeling my throat closing up. “I’m sure you’re really busy with work stuff, but I just wanted to see if you were still going to be home in time for dinner. If not, I can always put it in the fridge for tomorrow for lunch or something. Uh... call me back, I guess. I love you.”
My voice hitched at the end of my statement before I hung up. The burn of tears filled my eyes, but I focused on picking up and packing the food into Tupperware so they wouldn’t go bad. Keeping busy helped, but my thoughts still wandered, my lips curling into a harsh frown the longer time went on.
She hadn’t left me alone in two weeks, claiming I needed babysitting because I couldn’t be trusted, but the one time we were supposed to spend time together, she didn’t show up. With every moment that went by the more forceful and angry my movements became. It took almost an hour to pack up the food, clean the kitchen, and do the dishes, so the fact that nothing was broken by the time I was done was a miracle.
Exhaustion weighed down on me, and the emotional toll of the ups and downs of the day had worn on me, so by the time everything was cleaned up, I wanted to do nothing but sleep. Unfortunately, when I lay in bed, I just couldn’t clear my mind and drift away. After what seemed like the fifth time flipping over in an attempt to get comfortable, my phone buzzed.
Reid: How’d it go, Cali girl?
Kingston: Hope you had a good night with your mom, Babydoll.
Jesse: Can’t wait to hear all about it tomorrow.
That was it, the crack that broke the dam holding my emotions back. The tears that I had tried to contain fell over, streaking my cheeks. The watery streams were both from hurt and irritation. She was my mom, and I loved her, but I didn’t want to keep trying to open that door only to get hurt again. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I picked up my phone to respond, to tell the guys everything, but I was too conflicted to convey how I felt. I’ll do it tomorrow, I told myself, but I knew I would never be able to sleep if I didn’t get at least something out and off my chest. So, I rolled out of bed and headed back to the kitchen.
Dinner’s in the fridge—there’s lasagna, chocolate pudding, and salad. Went to bed around ten.
That was all I wrote, my hand shaking too badly to write much else, but it was enough that my mind settled. I walked over and dropped the note next to the vase, hoping desperately that my mom would see how much I tried. With a final look at the flowers sitting lonely at the center of the table, I went back to my room and curled in bed with the promise that I would figure out what happened tomorrow. For now, though, it was just my music, Mr. Fritz, and me as I attempted to slip into a restless sleep.
Only it didn’t work, my eyes growing irritated and red as I stared at the ceiling for a long while, but by that time the garage door sounded, meaning my mom was home. I listened to her enter the house and head upstairs. She seemed to be walking all over the place, and a sliver of me hoped that she would come down, despite my note. I would’ve given anything, even my forgiveness for tonight, if my mom had just made that little step forward in showing how much our relationship meant to her.
Finally, the sound of steps ceased and my brain stopped whirling enough to fall asleep, the clock just having struck midnight as my eyes closed.
4
February 12th
From a family to this… how did this even happen?
#BreakdownPartyOfOne #MamaDrama #WeirdnessWednesday
My alarm went off, the ringing tone wearing on me before I even had time to open my eyes. Trudging out of bed, I went about my morning routine as slowly as possible to minimize as much time with my mom. Can’t face the problem if I’m not here long enough, I thought cynically. It didn’t take nearly as much time as I had anticipated to get ready even with moving slower than molasses, so I found myself heading to the kitchen for an apple or other snack for breakfast.