‘I have another dog,’ I announce, looking across at Ronan, and he immediately stops reading.
‘The Bulldog, this time.’
‘In what context?’
‘Grandma was taking soil samples, she doesn’t say who she was with, but she says, “The Bulldog appeared, even stopping to chat for a few moments. I was nervous in his presence, afraid I would say the wrong thing, but he wasn’t checking up on what we were doing” and then she goes on to talk about an evening out. It was someone’s birthday, but she doesn’t give any details.’
‘The Terrier and now the Bulldog. This notebook I’m reading is fascinating from a gardening point of view, but there isn’t much else in here really. She mentions posting letters back home but, again, no names. I sort of sense she was a little homesick but then this was probably, what, towards the end of her first month here, I would think.’
I’m not sorry we haven’t discovered anything revealing. Clearly, Grandma was aware of the personalities and friction involved, maybe even witnessed some of the arguments and that’s why she exercised caution in her notes. For my purposes, I’m beginning to feel I’m journeying with her and I can’t really ask for more than that. To Ronan I’m sure this is a growing disappointment. Another step towards giving up on his quest to discover the truth about his grandfather maybe.
‘If this is getting too tedious, please say, Ronan. Eventually I’ll work through them all but I don’t think we’re going to find anything to help your research.’
He leans his head back against the cushions, looking relaxed and mellow.
‘I think you’re right, but I’m enjoying reading about life here in the early sixties. Vivian talks about trees that are long gone and areas that are now so different even she wouldn’t recognise them any more. It’s fascinating reading.’
‘I agree, but I think it’s time we put this away. Let’s do something else.’
He looks surprised. ‘Okay. Let’s head out and grab a drink. Somewhere with some noise and bustle. How does that sound?’
‘Perfect.’
Ronan makes a neat little pile of some loose sheets of paper he’s been scribbling on, his A4 pad and Grandma’s notebook, while I head upstairs to run a brush through my hair. I add a touch of lipstick and a squirt of perfume. The reflection looking back at me in the mirror is someone who is happy and content, because the smile comes from within.
As we head out through the gates, Ronan catches hold of my hand.
‘Thanks for your support. You know, helping to keep my mother happy this coming weekend. I want her to head off on her little European tour without a care in the world. If she thinks she’s leaving me in the hands of a warm-hearted, kind and intelligent woman, she’ll be delighted.’
I burst out laughing. ‘And I’m all of those things?’
‘Yes, you are. And totally adorable. And sexy. And—’ He pauses, mid-thought. ‘And there are times when you drive me crazy. I don’t mean in an annoying way, of course.’
I can feel the heat tingling in my cheeks and suddenly he spins me around, wrapping me up in his arms as we come to a standstill.
‘I’m not sure that came out right, actually. But you know what I mean. Somehow, I’m a better person when I’m around you; more positive and life feels good. Now it’s your turn. Did I make a good first impression?’
The answer isn’t one I can voice. There was a vulnerability in him that was so tangible, it touched my heart – and that’s what grabbed me from the start. Even when he was surrounded by people, there was a quality to him that screamed loneliness and an innate sadness, too. Now there is no comparison at all to the version of him I see before me now.
‘I found you annoyingly interesting from day one, although you came across as a little offhand,’ I admit, toying with him a little.
‘Offhand?’ he questions, indignantly. ‘I was trying to impress you! That was me being cool… and enigmatic.’
‘Then you were trying way too hard.’ I retort.
Ronan tilts his chin, resting his forehead against the top of my head.
‘I’m sorry about that. I’m out of practice and I never was a natural charmer.’
He kisses my cheek, working his way around to my mouth. My toes begin to tingle and I don’t really want him to stop. When we eventually release each other, he catches my hand again as we resume walking.
‘You mentioned it was a productive day?’
He nods his head, enthusiastically.
‘It was. I’ve made some tough decisions about book three. I will finish it off, but the emphasis will change slightly. I’ve decided I have no choice but to work with the information I have. I’m done chasing the impossible and looking for answers that simply aren’t there.’
It’s a relief to hear him say that. I can fully appreciate how difficult it is to let go of something you’ve pursued with a passion. But the decision can only be his and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, so I simply squeeze his hand. Ronan sounds happier, as if at last he’s free of a monumental task he never relished in the first place.
A suicide in the family is a traumatic thing to deal with for those left behind. How did it affect his grandmother, when her husband took his own life? I ask myself. And Ronan’s mother, losing her father in that way? Do the scars ever heal, and if they don’t, for someone as sensitive as Ronan, that’s a tough thing with which to make your peace. I really hope this decision doesn’t feel like defeat to him, or that he’s letting anyone down, but the decision of a man who has learnt that acceptance can sometimes bring inner peace.
I can empathise with that. For a long time after my father’s death I blamed him for choosing a job that took him away from us. So far away that in his time of greatest need no one could help him. I believed there was a chance that his life might have been saved if he’d been at home with us. I felt angry with him for taking that risk, because our lives were suddenly filled with pain, sorrow and regret. Youth and inexperience are not good tools for handling the harsher side of life or having a balanced point of view.
‘And what are your plans beyond book three?’
‘I have two options. I’ve been offered a job as a lecteur in the languages department at the Versailles Saint-Quentin-en-Yvelines University. I’d have enough time to get this book finalised before the start of the new academic year. But I’m enjoying this little stint filming again. It’s made me stop and think about the future in a slightly different way. A part of the reason why I walked away from my career was to spite my father. That might have been a big mistake in hindsight. So, I’m torn at the moment.’ He turns to look at me, grinning. ‘But I’m working on it,’ he assures me.
There’s a sparkle in his eyes that tells me he thinks his life is about to change in lots of ways. Could this spark between us turn into something more permanent? I miss my family so much but being here feels so natural. Maybe it’s because spring is so invigorating, everything is going well despite the upset with Elliot and suddenly it feels as though fate is smiling on us all.
Is this the missing link I’ve been searching for all my life? A sense of belonging? I mistakenly linked home and family to that word in the past, because I didn’t know any different. And yet, here I am with someone I’ve only known for a few weeks. But when I’m with Ronan I feel I belong… maybe not here specifically, but with him. He has turned my world upside down.