I laugh. “Perry, you’re not going to jail. Me and Walker had a long talk and he promised me that after a couple more big deals, you guys are out.”
I swear I catch Perry roll his eyes, but I can’t tell because of that damn hoodie. I shove it back from his face. “Is he lying to me?”
Perry shakes his head slowly.
“Don’t you fucking lie to me.”
When he looks over at me, I see the sincerity in his eyes. “I would never.”
I reach over for his hand. “Then please, tell me.”
Perry runs his fingers through mine over and over. It’s soothing and I lose track of what we’re talking about for a moment.
“He wants to get out—that much is true. I’m just not sure when.”
My eyes scan his beautiful face. For only nineteen it holds so much pain. He’s dealt with things people don’t even see in a lifetime. I wish I could take it all away.
“I don’t like it. Not at all.” I take a breath. “But I love Walker and if he says that it will be over soon, I have to trust that he’s telling the truth.”
Perry finally looks over at me. “Bishop, he loves you. That’s the only thing I can be sure of at this point.”
“What happened with Sloan?”
This causes him to turn away. The hood is pulled back up and he brings his knees up to rest his elbows on. He shrugs. “She’s done with me.”
I roll my eyes. “Come on, how many times has she said that before?”
He bites his lip for a moment. When he responds, his voice is broken. “For real this time.”
Instinctively I want to reach for him, but I’m afraid. He’s visibly shaking.
“She said that I’ll never be able to give her the kind of life she can feel safe in. That I’m basically a fuck-up.” He turns to me as the first tear falls. “She’s right. She’s fucking right.”
I shake my head and he scoffs.
“Don’t try to tell me how good a person I am. It doesn’t mean shit if the one person—the person who owns every single part of your soul, doesn’t think so.” He sniffs once, and turns to face me. “Tess, you will never understand how much I love her. But I do.” A sob escapes him and I think my heart cracks at exactly the same time.
He pulls his hand into his chest. “I fucking love her so much that I don’t know what to do.” He lowers his head to the tops of his knees and shakes harder. “I don’t know what to do.”
It doesn’t take long for the shaking to turn to sobbing. I’ll never be able to accurately describe what it sounds like when a man that you love experiences heart wrenching pain like this. It wounds you, too. My chest physically hurts as I watch my best friend completely lose it.
Slowly, I wrap my arms around him and squeeze as hard as I can. I rest my cheek on his back and whisper every comforting thing I can think of.
I tell him everything will be okay.
I tell him he’s a good person and Sloan’s a bitch.
I tell him I love him.
Over and over— I tell him I love him.
That’s what Perry needs. He needs to know that even if it isn’t from the one he wants—he is loved more than he’ll ever know.
We sit huddled together for so long my leg begins to fall asleep. Perry finally lifts his head and wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. “I’m really sorry about that,” he whispers.
I run my hand down his back, still sitting practically on his lap. “Never be sorry.” My fingers trail a path down the side of his face. “Not for this.”
He sniffs again and leans down to kiss my forehead before wrapping me in his arms. I curl into his chest and close my eyes.
“She’s wrong you know,” I say after a moment.
“About what?”
“You make me feel safe. You always have.”
His arms squeeze me tighter. “I will protect you with my life, Tess. Nothing will ever happen to you as long as I’m around.”
I nudge him with my elbow. “And that’s going to be a long time, right?”
I tilt my head back so I can see his face. His eyes are distant as he stares over the rooftop. It goes so long; my neck starts to strain. Finally, he leans down and kisses the tip of my nose.
“Yes, a long time.”
Snuggling back into his chest, I can breathe. Being near Perry, under any circumstance, is what calms me. I know that no matter what, I can go to him and he’ll be there. The same can be said for Walker, but Perry and I have a different bond. The love that we have for each other isn’t tainted by the emotions brought on by relationships—it’s pure. It’s not something you take back in the heat of the moment because you’re angry with that person. We love each other always, no matter what.
“Perry?”
“Bishop?”
I smile. He’s obviously feeling a little better.
“One day you’re going to meet a girl who will cherish you for the gift you are. She will love you unconditionally and you will look back on this and laugh.”
He laughs once. “You think so, huh?”
“I do. Like I said, I don’t hate Sloan, but she’s not the one for you. You two are completely toxic in every definition of the word.”
“I know.”
“Then why do it? Why not try for something better?”
He sighs. “I wish I could. I tried to walk away from her, but every time I see her face, I break. Once someone gets to you like that, I don’t think you can walk away.” He sighs again, reaching for another cigarette. “At least I can’t.”
I hesitate on my next statement, but I say it anyway. “If you really are done this time, could you do something for me?”
He laughs, blowing out a cloud of smoke with his next breath. “What’s that?”
“Could you try? Just a little.”
I look up at him and his eyes are still so sad my own heart twitches.
“I’ll try.”
He forces a smile and my heart almost breaks completely. His pain, is my pain. That’s how it’s always been whether he knows it or not. For someone who takes such pleasure in seeing me happy, he sure does neglect his own feelings. I hope he does try—but I doubt it.
25
Muddy Waters
Perry- Now
Before I leave, there’s one last thing I need to do. I get up early the following morning and make the drive to Robby’s.
It’s hard to focus on the task at hand when my mind is spinning.
I proposed to Sloan.
Tess kissed me.
Tess fucking kissed me.
That’s about where the processing stops for me. It was like every dream I’ve had about us was finally coming true and I didn’t know how to react. We were standing in her parent’s garage, collecting the money her dead husband died for. Our situation couldn’t be any more fucked up.
Unless you count the proposal I made to my ex twelve hours earlier. If this were a movie, viewers would be calling bullshit. You can’t make this shit up.
But it’s my reality and I know I need to deal with it. If I’m really being honest, asking Sloan to marry me was bullshit. A large part of me knew she would say no, and that made it less jarring. I’m used to her ripping my heart out and shoving it back down my throat. It eventually stops hurting so much when you finally realize you can have better.