She covers her ring finger with her other hand, staring at the empty space for a moment. “I gave it back. It wasn’t fair of me to continue with him if I couldn’t offer the same in return.”
A surprised laugh escapes me. “That was noble of you.”
Her eyes flare in annoyance. “Yeah, well I’m not completely heartless. I know what it feels like to love someone so deeply that you could never picture your life without them. So, I’m holding out hope that someday I’ll find that again and I want the same for Johnny. He’s a good guy and he deserves to be someone’s first choice, not just someone they settled for.”
Sloan’s words resonate with me in a way that drives straight to my core. That’s always been my fear too. Does Perry love me because he can’t imagine his life without me in it or is he settling for a life without Sloan because he knows it could never work?
I don’t finish my appointment. He needed a break anyway and there’s no way I can concentrate without knowing if Perry is safe. That’s why I leave and drove straight here. To the place where this all began.
He’s seated at the edge of the roof with his legs pulled up, chain smoking, and looking broody as ever. It makes me smile even though I have half a notion to shove him straight off the roof and into my parents’ driveway. They’re still in Florida, so it was good place for him to choose to hide out—if that’s what he’s doing.
When I make my way on the roof beside him, he doesn’t look over at me. I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around them, taking in the exhausted appearance of his face and the anger still so present in his eyes.
He takes a drag, blowing it out slowly. “I thought I would feel remorse after it was over,” he says, calmer than I expected. He shrugs. “But I don’t.”
His eyes focus on the cigarette burning between his fingers, still not looking at me. “I wanted to feel something—anything that would make me believe I wasn’t completely ruined. That I was still capable of basic human emotion.” He laughs bitterly. “But the truth is, I wanted him to die.” His eyes finally meet mine and the rage inside of them makes me cringe. “I wanted him to suffer for what he did to us, and so he’s dead.”
The look of horror obviously written on my face doesn’t surprise him, or at least, he doesn’t acknowledge that it does. Instead, he turns away from me again and tosses his cigarette to the ground below. “I’m not the one who killed him though—Robby did.”
My lungs expand for the first time since I got here. I bring my hand to my chest and sigh in relief. That’s when he laughs.
“The only reason I didn’t pull the trigger is because of that reaction right there.” He points to my face, his jaw still rigid with tension. “Every time I tried to justify it, I thought of the look on your face and the fact that you’d never be able to look at me the same again.”
The dryness in my mouth, coupled with the lump in my throat makes it almost impossible to speak, but I manage. “You really didn’t kill him?”
He shakes his head slowly. “No.”
“But, he’s dead?”
“Yes.”
A tear slips down my cheek as I think of Walker and what it must have been like in that moment. What was the last thing he saw? What was he thinking right before it happened? I’ve had these thoughts so many times over the past year I’ve lost count. I’d be lying if I said knowing this doesn’t give me a sense of peace, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I reach for Perry’s hand, lacing my fingers with his. He looks to our hands and back up to my face. The anger in his eyes is replaced with a sadness that is almost worse.
“Are you okay?” I whisper.
He releases my hand and throws his arm around my shoulder, pressing me close against his side. I waste no time wrapping my arms around him and squeezing him tight. He places a kiss to my temple and sighs.
“I am now.”
These are the kinds of moments with him I used to live for. We don’t always need long, drawn-out explanations to say what we need to tell each other—we just know. It’s always been like that and even though I’m not sure what the future holds for us, the one thing that makes it okay for me is that Perry is safe. He came back like he said he would and I’m not sure I can ever let him walk away again without him knowing I’m always going to be here when he gets back. I’ve always loved him more than I knew I should, and that will never change.
45
Straight To You
Perry- Now
Tess and I stayed on the roof until the sun came up the next morning. I told her everything. At first she was still upset about my reasons for wanting to do it in the first place, but in the end, I think she understands. It wasn’t just about vengeance and revenge for me, it was about finishing a chapter of my life that I never want to open again. At the end of the day, I’m the only one left and I’m eternally grateful she’ll still have me.
She dropped me off at my apartment before going home to take a shower and get ready for work. I feel bad she missed her appointments last night, but hopefully I’ll be able to make up for it. I plan on being a better man for her. I’ve always stressed how I wanted her to have the life she deserved, and yet I never tried hard enough to give it to her myself. I’m going to change that. Starting now, I promise to never lead Tess down a path that isn’t straight.
That being said, before I can completely close this chapter of my life there’s still one loose end I need to tie up.
I’m parked in front of Sloan’s parents’ house on the other side of town. I heard she was staying here since leaving Johnny for good. I take notice of the moving van parked at the end of her driveway.
When I get out of my car, Sloan is walking outside onto the front porch. Her eyes widen slightly and she sets a box down on the step.
“Perry,” she breathes, brushing the hair from her face. She walks down and meets me in the middle of the driveway. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
I shove my hands in pockets and shrug my shoulders a little. “Well, I didn’t expect to see you here.” I nod to the house and she laughs.
“Me either.”
Her voice is sad and she keeps shifting her eyes away from mine. I keep watching her face, looking for something to tell me she’s okay. No matter what’s going on right now, I can’t leave her in a state where she’s not.
My eyes focus on the moving van again and then back to her. “Where are you going?”
She follows my gaze and then sighs. “Arizona. To live with my mom.”
A low whistle escapes me. “That’s pretty far away.”
“Yeah, well it’ll make things easier.” She locks her eyes on mine finally and I take a breath. “I can’t stay here and still find the strength to get over you.”
“You don’t have to leave,” I whisper.
She laughs once, brushing a tear from her eye. “Yes, I do. If I stay I’ll never stop wanting you.” She laughs again, shaking her head. “Who am I kidding? I’ll probably always want you, no matter where I am—but I know I can’t have you anymore.”