He watched Oliver a moment before his gaze met mine. “Hard to leave them, isn’t it?”
I looked down at Oliver and kissed his forehead. “Yeah, but I’m going. The club needs me.”
Cinder moved farther into the room and sat on the couch. He stretched out his legs and crossed his ankles, arms folded over his chest. To anyone else, he’d appear relaxed, but I could see the coiled tension in him. I didn’t know why he was here. I’d said I would go to Tennessee. Had he not wanted me to volunteer? Maybe I’d read everything all wrong in Church.
“Before I claimed Meg, I was always willing to put myself at the front of the line when we faced down trouble. Then we had a kid and my life changed even more. This club is still my life, but I have something else to live for since gaining a family. Same goes for you, Ashes. I offered you the chance to go in case it’s what you really wanted. You’re the only one who saw the men you were meeting, but since your memory is gone, there’s no guarantee you’d recognize them. Hell, for all we know, you never set eyes on them.”
I sat in my chair with Oliver. “What are you getting at?”
Cinder glanced around the room before focusing on me again. “You’ve made a nice life for yourself since you claimed Nikki. But you were distracted as shit today. As much as I’d like you to go to the Reckless Kings, I need to know you’ll be focused. I don’t need you getting yourself killed, or someone else, because you can’t keep your mind off your woman and kid.”
I understood where he was coming from, and I could appreciate his concern not just for me but for everyone handling this issue. I wanted to assure him that my head was in the game, but honestly, I didn’t know if it was. Maybe I was getting soft, or maybe things with Nik just felt too new. Missing most of my life made it feel like I’d only known her a few months. And Oliver… he was still so tiny, so young.
“If you’re not at the front gate ready to go within the hour, I’ll tell the others to leave without you.” Cinder rose. “And I won’t think any less of you if you decide to stay behind.”
“I want to pull my weight around here, Pres. I know I’m letting everyone down, but I just…” I shook my head, not knowing how to explain it. There were times I didn’t feel like myself, like I wasn’t reacting to things the way I would have before. The problem was that I had no idea who I’d been before I lost my memories.
“You don’t know who you are,” Cinder said. “I get that. We can’t expect you to react the way you would have before when all that’s gone. I’ve tried to be as understanding as possible, but the truth is that sooner or later we’re going to need to have a discussion. About your future with this club.”
And there it was. If I didn’t go on this run, if I stayed behind, then it would give him even more cause to throw my ass out, which meant Nik and Oliver would be homeless too. Regardless of how I felt, or what I wanted, I needed to put them first. Being with the Devil’s Boneyard was the only way to keep them safe. If that meant I had to leave them for a while and sort this shit out, then so be it.
“I’ll be there. Just want a little time to say goodbye to Nik and Oliver.”
“Then I’ll leave you to it. And, Ashes?”
I stood and moved closer to him, Oliver clutched against my chest.
“Don’t fuck up,” Cinder said. “I want you and every man I send with you to come back alive, and preferably unharmed. Whatever it takes to get your head on right, fucking do it.”
There was only one thing I could think that would make me feel more settled. Not that leaving Nik or Oliver would be easy regardless.
“I want Nik to be mine, and not just in the eyes of the club.”
I heard a soft gasp and looked over his shoulder to see my woman lurking outside the room. Her eyes were wide and her lips parted. There was something in her gaze, hope maybe? Did she want that too?
“Nikki, you want to be married to this asshole?” Cinder asked.
“More than anything,” she said.
“Then I’ll have it taken care of. If Shade can’t handle it, then I’ll call up the Reapers and get Wire to work his magic. Or that woman of his.”
Cinder walked out without another word and Nik came to stand in front of me. She tipped her head to the side, her gaze assessing but I didn’t know what the hell she was looking for. Even if Shade or Wire could make us legally married, as far as paperwork went, it didn’t give Nikki a ring and I didn’t have time to go get one. I’d just have to make sure I brought one home for her.
“You’ll be careful?” she asked. “Come home to us?”
“Yeah, Nik. One way or another, I’ll come home to both of you.”
She wrapped her arms around my waist and got as close as she could with Oliver between us. Our son yawned, smacked his lips, and shut his eyes. It was almost too good to be true. Would he remain asleep if I laid him in his crib? That was always the true challenge.
Nik drew back and I carried Oliver down the hall to his room. Pressing a kiss to his brow, I settled him in his crib. He squirmed a moment, but didn’t wake up. As quietly as I could, I crept from the room and pulled the door mostly shut. Nik was in the hall waiting for me. It seemed we both had the same idea, since she took me by the hand and led me into our room. I shut the door, turned the lock just in case, and started stripping out of my clothes. I hadn’t gotten much further than my cut, shirt, and boots before I remembered that we were out of condoms. Fuck my life.
“Um, Nik. One slight problem.”
She stopped undressing and stared. “What?”
“No condoms. We used them last night.”
She chewed on her lower lip. “Well, one broke, so…”
“And you want to play Russian Roulette and take a chance on me knocking you up by just not using one at all?”
I could see the indecision in her eyes. As much as I would love to be inside her, to make love to her one more time before I left, I knew she wasn’t ready for another kid just yet. It was one thing for me to accidentally knock her up, and another to take the risk on purpose. “We can wait, Nikki. I’ll make sure I bring back two boxes of condoms.”
She sighed and came closer, cuddling against me. “Fine. But in case you forget, I’m buying some too. There’s thirty-six in a box, right? So we’ll probably need at least three to get through the month.”
A startled laugh escaped me. Three boxes? What the hell? Did she think I was part machine? “Hey, Nik. I know you love my cock and all, but you do realize I’m not one of those sex bots you like to read about.”
I felt the heat of her blush against me. “They’re androids.”
“Same difference. I’m only human, and I think over one hundred condoms in a month is expecting a little much from me. That would mean at least three times a night, every night of the month.”
“And we have a little cock-blocker down the hall.”
I snorted. She wasn’t wrong there. As often as he woke up, getting some time with her would be difficult at best. Even just trying to get some sleep wasn’t all that easy, but we’d figure it out. There were nights the second my pants came off, he’d start screaming the house down. While it wasn’t the worst thing in the world when I was just hoping to get a little sleep, if I was about to make love to my woman, it would suck a great deal. I loved that kid more than anything, but I wouldn’t be opposed to someone in the club babysitting once a week so I could have some undisturbed alone time with Nikki.