“Maybe we should move on to somewhere else? A bar maybe, get a proper drink?” Theo suggests hopefully as the baristas start closing off sections of the café and tidying up around us in a clear message for us to get a move on.
The twinkle in Theo’s eye makes my back straighten. This is fast beginning to feel like a date, and I don’t like it. I need to leave.
I look obviously down at my watch and wince. “I can’t. I should actually make a move home.”
A frown line appears between his eyebrows, but he nods in understanding. “That’s okay.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “Here, stick your number in. Next time I’m at that comic book shop in London I told you about, I’ll text you to see if you want anything.”
I take the phone, my thumbs hovering over the keypad, knowing that if I put my number in here, I’ll be stepping over a line. A line that will very likely end with Jared hurting.
I swallow and put the phone back on the table. “Nah, it’s okay. I won’t want anything anyway.” I slide the phone back across the table in clear rejection, and I see the disappointment in his eyes as he picks it up and pockets it.
“Okay.” He stands and politely smiles down at me.
I stand, and we walk side by side out of the café. When my hand accidentally brushes against his, my face flames with heat, and I whip my arm away, wrapping my arms around myself, pretending it’s due to the change in temperature as we step into the chilly night air.
“Well, this was really nice. We should do it again next time. Maybe next Monday—if my meeting doesn’t go on too long, that is,” he says, pursing his lips in question.
“Yeah, maybe.” I shrug and give a half-nod.
When he leans in and hugs me, I close my eyes and try to soak up every ounce of information and feeling that I can from it. I notice the tiny, subtle differences. It’s completely different to being hugged by Jared. The smell of him is different, the way he holds himself, the pressure of it. When Jared holds me against him, there’s affection that goes into it, like he doesn’t want to let go, versus Theo, who’s just hugging good-bye as friends. The discrepancies are small but stark. It’s startling and a little disorientating, and it makes my shame flare inside me again.
When the hug breaks, his eyes shine down at me, and I catch the obvious flick of his gaze to my lips. My breath catches in my throat as I realise he’s contemplating kissing me. I quickly pull back and laugh awkwardly, getting some personal space.
“Well, thanks for the drink. I’d better get home,” I mumble, kicking the toe of my work shoe into the gap between the paving slab.
Theo nods and steps back, too, his arms dropping down to his sides. “Yeah, see you next week then. If I don’t see you before, that is.”
“Why would you see me before?” I ask, frowning in confusion.
He laughs and reaches up to tousle his hair. “You know, if you come around with Jared or anything.”
I blink. “Oh. Oh, right, yeah. Of course.”
He bobs his head. “Well, see ya.” He waves and turns, walking up the road and glancing back over his shoulder, sending me another of those heartbreaking smiles.
I feel the tears welling in my eyes as I turn and head back towards the station, so I can collect my bike. I’m absolutely none the wiser after that conversation. I think back to the three questions I set out answering this morning.
1. Am I physically attracted to Theo?
Answer: Yes. He is gorgeous, so of course, I am attracted to him. I didn’t melt when he smiled at me like with Jared, and my insides didn’t fizz with lust when he touched me or gave me the bedroom eyes—but that could be easily explained away. The guilt I’m feeling inside overrode everything. It’s possible that my guilt for the situation is preventing me from thinking about those things too deeply. Maybe, once I let it go, the lust would come, just like with Jared? After all, I only felt the instant attraction to Jared because of Theo’s personality on those train rides. Yes, I looked at Jared and was attracted to him when I met him in that café, but was that only because I was already attracted to Theo’s personality before that?
2. Is there more chemistry with Theo than I have with Jared?
Answer: Unsure. We certainly have more in common than I do with Jared. We’re into the same things, laugh at the same jokes, love the same movies. But does that equate to chemistry? I’m not sure.
3. Am I in love with Jared because I thought he was Theo all along?
Answer: I still have no idea.
I try to think it through again as I stroll back to the station and collect my bike. Then, I wheel her home instead of riding her because I’m mentally and physically exhausted from the situation.
I honestly can’t say with much certainty which one of them I am in love with. And that makes my mind up for me. I can’t keep on with this the way it is.
Tomorrow night, I will speak to Jared and explain everything. I know it won’t go well. What guy wants to hear that his girlfriend, whom he’s been dating for six weeks, has been dating the wrong guy all along? But I can’t continue with this pretence. Neither of us deserves that, and it can’t be swept under the carpet. It isn’t fair to keep him in the dark about this.
If I tell him and I lose him over this, then maybe it was never meant to be in the first place. Only time will tell.
Jared is a level-headed guy; maybe he’ll even be able to help me see the answer here.
twenty.four
I’m so nervous; I feel sick. My heart races in my chest as I look up at the clock, watching the second hand tick around. I have just got off the phone with Heather. She had tried to talk me out of this, suggested I might lose them both if I tell the truth. But I don’t care. I need to tell him. I can’t keep something this important from someone I’m supposed to care about.
Just before seven thirty, the doorbell rings, and my heart sets off in a gallop. I push myself up on wobbly legs and head over to open the door. I’m greeted by Jared’s grinning face, and I feel another fissure tear my heart. He looks amazing in jeans and a thin grey pullover, and a breathy sigh leaves my lips.
“Hey you,” he greets, stepping into my flat. He reaches up and cups the side of my face with one hand, stepping so close to me that it makes every nerve ending in my body wake up and sing with pleasure. When he dips his head, his lips capture mine in a soft kiss.
My knees weaken, and my eyes drop closed as I lean in, putting my hands on his chest for support as the kiss deepens and his tongue traces my bottom lip. A whimper leaves my throat, and his other arm wraps around my waist, turning us so I’m pressed against the wall, trapped in a little cage by his hard body. His smell fills my lungs, the heat from his body pulsing into mine as his tongue strokes mine, all of it combined coaxing my excitement, drawing my passion into a frenzy.
Everything else is forgotten. Theo, the train, the coffee shop, the twin thing. It’s all gone. All that’s left is Jared and the deep feelings he’s evoking in me.
He breaks the kiss and presses his forehead to mine; his breath blowing across my mouth makes it water. I stare into his eyes, and it’s like we’re in a little private bubble where nothing can hurt us. He’s carved us a little place where we can just … be.