“We’re the complete opposites; we always have been. Mirror twins in every way. Everyone prefers Theo when they get to know him. He’s always been the popular and sought-after one. Even at school, we hung in a big group, and he was the favourite twin—the one who was always first choice for a night out or wingman, always in the thick of it all. I just tagged along on the outskirts because I was his brother. He knows just what to say at the right time, how to act to make people love him. It comes easy to him. He’s better than me at everything, even life in general.” He snorts a laugh, but it’s humourless and full of indignation.
I can barely breathe as I watch him closely, taking it all in.
“The only thing I’ve ever been better at than Theo is working hard. I did better at school than him. He’s more creative; I’m more academic. I have a better work ethic than he does. I work harder and achieve more. It’s the only way to surpass him. He even beat me to being born; I’m the younger twin by nine minutes. Even my mum has a favourite; she won’t admit it, but it’s obvious. I’m not winning the popularity contests against him.”
As his eyes meet mine, I can see the sadness he’s trying to disguise.
“I’ve felt second best my whole life.” He laughs and shrugs, but I can hear the pain in his words. “I guess I finally felt like I was winning at something with you. That we were winning together as a team. Building something we could have that was just our own. I’ve never really had anything that was just mine before. Turns out, I’m even your second choice.”
I shake my head. “Jared, no, that’s not what I said.” The guilt of it feels like it’s crushing me. My tears double, and I rub at my chest because my heart is physically aching for him.
He turns to face me, reaching out, putting his hands on my knees, rubbing gently. “Look, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t know we were two separate people; you couldn’t have known. If I had met you first, maybe we wouldn’t have this problem now. If only I got the fucking train!” He jokingly waves his fist in the air in mock anger, and it seems to lighten the mood.
I can tell he’s putting on an act that he’s fine though. His words about being second best have resonated with me, something he can’t take back. It’s like a window into his soul, and no matter how much bravado he tries to put around this to disguise what he said, it’s out of the box now, and it can never go back in.
I sniff and push myself up, wrapping my arms around his neck, tightly crushing myself to him. He sighs, his breath moving my hair, as he wraps his arms around me, too, pulling me onto his lap. I have to finish this. I haven’t even told him the worst bit yet.
“There’s something else. Please don’t hate me,” I whisper into his neck.
His hands stroke my back. “I won’t. I never could, Amy.”
His smell is beautiful; it’s so comforting. I don’t ever want to let go. But I know I need to get this finished. We can’t just leave it there; this needs to be resolved somehow. I pull back and look into his eyes, sitting on his lap, my chest pressed against his, our faces inches apart.
My chin wobbles with emotion, but I take a deep breath and just say it, “I kissed him a couple of weeks ago.”
I feel his body stiffen against mine. His hands curl into fists at the small of my back, and his eyebrows pull together into a scowl.
“It was a couple of weeks ago, when I went back to work after my holiday. He was on the train, and I thought it was you. I … I …” I don’t want to say anything else, and I silently pray that’s all the details he needs. I grip my hands into the back of his hair. “I’m so sorry. I thought it was you.” I will him to believe me. “I don’t want you and Theo to fall out over this. He didn’t know who I was. I just kind of jumped him. He didn’t even have a choice in the matter. He was so surprised; he barely even kissed me back. I don’t think he knew what hit him.”
A sad smile tugs at the corner of Jared’s mouth. “I’ve been on the receiving end when your passion goes haywire, so I can imagine how shocked he was.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, closing my eyes as shame and disgust wash over me. “I hate myself for this whole situation. None of this is Theo’s fault, and it would kill me if you two fell out. He didn’t know any of this. When he walked into the party, he was just as surprised to see me as I was him.” I gulp. “Theo said we should just keep the kiss to ourselves, not tell you because he didn’t want you being upset over a mistaken identity. But he doesn’t know the whole story. He doesn’t know that I’d fallen in love with him on those train journeys. I couldn’t keep that secret from you.”
Jared’s eyes lock on mine, his face a mask of steel. “So, I guess you’re feeling pretty fucked up in here.” He taps my temple with his index finger, his other hand pushing on the small of my back, so I press tighter against him.
I nod and gulp, reaching up to brush my thumb over the little freckle under his eye. “Yeah.”
He sighs deeply, a resigned sigh, and I find myself tightening my grip on him because I know he’s about to pull away. “I value your honesty. It’s one of the things I love about you the most. You wear your heart on your sleeve. I just want you to be happy, Amy. I thought I was making you happy, but …” He groans and shakes his head.
“You were,” I say quickly.
“But it’s not enough?”
My breath catches. “It is enough. It’s just … look, Jared, I’m crazy about you. I love you. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met. But how do I know if I’m in love with you for you or because of all the time I spent falling for your brother? We’re so different. Would we have even gotten this far together if I wasn’t already in love with you? How do I work out my feelings when everything is so jumbled?”
He nods. “I’m not gonna lie; I hate this. It hurts like a kick to the balls, but I don’t blame you. You didn’t know.”
His grip on me loosens, and I let out a needy whimper.
I shake my head, already knowing what he’s about to say. “Don’t say it.”
“I have to.” He strokes my hair. “I think we need to take a break. You need some time to think about this properly. You need to know how you feel. If you figure it out and it turns out you want Theo, not me, then you two should go for it.” He grits his teeth, and I can see how much it pains him to say it.
My heart gives another squeeze.
“If you figure out it’s me you want, great. I’m here. I’m all over this. I’m done for when it comes to you. I’m totally fucking smitten to the point of ruin, Amy. I’m still free-falling down that rabbit hole. But you need to figure it out first. I don’t want to be your second choice. I can’t go into a relationship that I hope is long-term, only for you to realise in a year’s time that you’re with the wrong brother. I don’t want to live in Theo’s shadow when it comes to you. He can have everything else—none of that is important to me—but I’m not content to be second best where you’re concerned. You need to get your head straight, figure it out. I want you to choose me, but I’m not stupid. Everyone prefers Theo; it’s the story of my life. And if that happens, then that’s okay. I’ll be okay.”