“So, they decided early one morning—after we’d been doing shots the night before, I might add—that it’d be a great idea to hike up one of the mountains. Picture me, absolutely hanging, climbing a damn mountain. Never felt so rough. I think I actually died twice on the way up. So, basically, my friends are now dead to me.”
I chuckle and watch as he pulls out his phone, scrolling through the screen before turning his phone so I can see. In the first picture, he’s sitting on the top of a mountain on a pile of rocks, pale, his head in his hands. Behind him is a beautiful backdrop of scenery, but as he flicks through the photos, it’s just him in various stages of dying at the top, and his friends ripping the absolute life out of him for it.
“Claim to fame: I puked up there. I’m probably the first ever to,” he says confidently. “I can probably find an actual action shot of that if you want?” he jokes.
“Hard pass,” I scoff, shaking my head in amusement. I chew on my lip and take a sip of my drink. “Jared didn’t go with you?”
I know he didn’t because he was talking to me last night, but Jared had told me he shared friends with his brother, so it surprises me he didn’t go away with them for the weekend.
Theo shakes his head. “Nah, he said he had work and was invested in watching some show or something. He was invited but said no. I was surprised though. Climbing mountains is the type of thing Jared would enjoy. The weirdo.”
I smile, my insides clenching at his answer. Invested in watching a show—is that because we were watching it together?
The food comes over then, and I gasp down at mine in excitement. I’ve chosen the chicken wrap with fries, and it looks incredible. My mouth waters.
Theo watches as I take a bite and then says, “So, it turns out, you thought I was cute on those train journeys too, huh?”
I choke on my shock. The food that was delicious now tastes like cardboard in my throat as I look at him with wide eyes. I chew and swallow. His eyes don’t leave mine the whole time.
“We made it a full thirty minutes without that coming up. Then, you had to go and ruin it.” I try to make light of the conversation as embarrassed heat burns from my neck to my hairline. I squirm on my seat.
He shrugs casually and picks up his knife and fork, cutting into his burrito. “It needs airing. Dirty laundry just festers if not washed.”
I chuckle at his stupid analogy. “That’s true.”
He nods, thoughtful. “So, you and Jared are currently on a break, I heard, because you’re not sure if you like him or me.”
I suck in a breath and sit back in my chair. “That’s not exactly it.” Or is it exactly that?
He raises one eyebrow and waits.
“I … I noticed you on those train journeys,” I admit, fiddling with my napkin. “I liked you.” Understatement. “So, when I met Jared, I thought you were the same person.”
He nods in understanding. “So, where do feelings for me come into this? Jared said you confused things and weren’t sure if you were in love with me or him.”
Oh God, kill me!
My mouth opens and closes like a fish. He’s putting it so simply, but this isn’t simple.
“I was attracted to you. I’m not sure if that’s love or not. We hadn’t even really spoken.” I grind my teeth. “I love Jared. I’m just worried that …” I sigh, not having the right words. “That maybe it’s not real. Maybe my feelings I had for you messed everything up, clouded things in my brain. That maybe what I thought I’d felt for you got tangled with what I thought I felt for him. And now, I’m not sure what I even feel at all.”
“Sounds like quite a conundrum.”
I nod. “And I’ve always been shit at puzzles.”
He laughs and reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. “And what can I do to help you make up your mind?” His tone is flirty and suggestive.
His eyes bore into mine, and I can see the passion there. It makes my back stiffen.
I drop my eyes to the table and shrug. “Nothing.”
“Are you and Jared going to work it out, you think?” he asks, stuffing in a forkful of burrito.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe we could, you know, go out again this week or at the weekend. See how it goes? I did see you first. Rules are rules. I should have called dibs. Though if I said that to Jared, he’d probably reply he licked it, so it’s his.”
I feel the blush creep onto my cheeks. He certainly did lick it.
Coming back to his question, I think about it. Theo is so easy to get along with. Like Jared once said, he knows exactly what to say at the right time to make people love him. It’s so easy to see why I was so won over on those train journeys. And we’re so compatible; our humour is the same. No, he doesn’t make my panties wet with a smile like Jared does, but is that because there’s all this guilt inside me and a horrible feeling that I shouldn’t even be here? If I were willing to let that go, I could probably build something with Theo and have fun while doing it. But my mind shoots back to Jared and how much that would hurt him. I’m not willing to do that.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Theo.”
“How are you ever going to know then?” he asks, cocking his head like a curious puppy as he regards me with interest.
“I don’t know.”
Maybe I never will know. At this point, I’m still so confused over it that I have even considered not seeing either of them again. Maybe they would both be better off in the long run. I don’t want to ruin their relationship by choosing one over the other. Maybe I should just request a transfer to another route at work so I don’t see Theo and then just delete Jared’s number from my phone. A clean break from them both. Move on. I could take a vow of celibacy, adopt ten dogs, and become the local crazy dog lady. Lonely forever. I would rather that than hurt Jared.
The rest of my week has been pretty dull. After parting ways with Theo on Monday night—and rejecting his offer to swap numbers again—I went home and just had time to shower and slip into my comfy lounge pants before Jared called, and we watched more of the season.
The trouble now is, Jared and I are all caught up on the show. We binged it all, and there are no more episodes to watch. The last one was viewed during the week, and I am extremely disappointed about it. I miss Jared and his closeness and his crinkle-eyed smiles that make my insides flutter. The phone calls have taken some of that loneliness away. But because the show is finished, we have no excuses to talk; therefore, when we hung up the phone last time, we didn’t agree a time to speak again.
It’s been three days since my last Jared fix. I am unreasonably disappointed that he hasn’t instigated contact again since then because I haven’t felt like I can. I hope he is just busy with work. I know he had a big project on, some hotshot company that has a massive ad budget, because he told me about it and how important it was. I just have to hope that’s the only reason he’s not called and not just the fact that he’s had enough of hanging on a shoestring, waiting for me to make up my damn mind.
It has been almost two weeks now since we began our break, and there is no end or solution in sight.
When my phone rings, I jump for it, suddenly thinking it’s Jared. I grin and pick up the phone, only to see it’s a mobile number I don’t have saved and not his handsome face lighting up my screen.