They were nodding along. “Exactly. That’s exactly what the purpose of The Love Study is, though—documenting all of that. Because we live in a culture that wants the heroes to meet in a comedic way, for hijinks to ensue, and then for them to live happily ever after. Without digging into the real meat of how unscripted life unfolds.”
I allowed that to sit for a minute before saying, “So... I’m the meat is what I’m getting from this. I mean, am I an FDA-certified hunk-a-burning love? Am I Grade-A? Am I—” another dramatic pause “—a beefcake?”
Sidney laughed out loud and turned to the camera. “I think that’s a great end note to this episode. Please vote in the comments about whether or not you think Declan is a beefcake.” They did the rest of the outro and sponsorship ad read stuff under dire threat of giggling, so I considered the bad date well redeemed by making Sidney laugh.
I waited until the recording had stopped before slipping around them and claiming the box of chocolates. Sometimes the best medicine for extreme embarrassment is embracing the thing that embarrassed you...and eating it. If it’s chocolate. “I’m mining the white chocolate out of here unless you tell me not to,” I said, going to sit in the armchairs.
It felt a little overfamiliar, but also within the boundaries we’d set. I watched them to make sure they were okay with it, but they only waved distractedly as they did whatever YouTube magic they needed to do before the video would be officially on its own in the world.
“I’m beginning to agree with my friends that everything’s hopeless.” Since they were still working and I was working my way through the selection of chocolates I’d brought as a gift, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to casually voice my deepest fears. “Dating. Relationships. I’m sure this guy was perfectly nice and would have been a great date—for someone else. Someone who likes having chairs pulled out for them. And being told what they think of movies.”
A click indicated they’d turned off the monitor. A minute later they were sitting across from me and passing me my water, which I’d left on the desk. “And that feels hopeless to you? It seems like it means maybe the person who should be going out with that guy is in the world somewhere going out with someone you’d be more compatible with.”
“Is this a chaos theory thing? A butterfly flaps its wings in China and I’m turned off by a guy touching my chair?”
They selected a dark chocolate with precise finger movements I found compelling. Sidney’s hands were lovely. Slender wrists, shortish thumbs, clean nails, and everything they did with their hands was deliberate.
“The door-opening, chair-pulling-out thing is...problematic for me,” they said finally. “I understand the intent. But at this point I expect someone to ask me if I want a chair pulled out for me instead of just doing it. When it feels like it’s part of a script, that they’re playing a role, then it doesn’t work for me at all.”
“That’s exactly it.” I took another chocolate, though any second now I was going to reach sugar saturation and its accompanying mood crash. “I felt like I’d been cast as the guy who’s charmed by chivalry in a movie I never auditioned for. And it’s totally okay for people to get off on that shit. I just...don’t. I tried to! That whole night I kept telling myself I should like it. But I didn’t.”
“Why? I mean, why did you try to like it?”
“I...dunno. I guess because the people who do have it easier in a way? That script is written, they just have to show up.”
“Hmm.” They licked their lips and I discovered that Sidney’s lips were even more mesmerizing than their fingers.
Had I somehow bought the “special” box of chocolates? I knew pot was legal now, but they’d have to put it on the label, right?
“I think that script makes very few people genuinely happy. What I see more often is the phenomenon you’re describing: people making an effort to fit themselves inside a script that doesn’t work for them, and then being unhappy with the result.”
“So I was right.” I picked up a milk chocolate, having finished off the white chocolates. “It’s hopeless.”
“If you’re saying you hope you’ll someday want the thing you once ran away from with Mason, then that’s probably hopeless. I’m not sure you can try yourself into someone else’s mold. Actually, I’m entirely convinced you can’t, or I would be a totally different person.”
“I’m glad you’re not. A different person.” Danger, Will Robinson. Just one more chocolate, mostly to keep me from talking. A safety chocolate.
They smiled. “Thanks.”
“Is that—” I swallowed and oh my god, was that my hand reaching for another freaking chocolate? “—is that what happened with you and dating? You didn’t like the script so you gave up?”
“Not quite.” They pulled both legs up to sit cross-legged, their knees wedged in against the sides. “I value companionship. And intimacy. And trust. I’m not against romantic relationships, I just haven’t found a way to adequately queer them to my satisfaction yet. It feels like those things all have these set values that everyone just...knows about. Accepts. Companionship doesn’t have to mean a sexually exclusive lifetime commitment that starts with marriage and ends with death, but that is such a strong narrative it’s hard to find people who are open to other interpretations.”
Which was a good line and all, but... “Um. So you...quit the game? Sorry, that sounds bad. I mean...”
They picked out another chocolate and turned it over between their fingers without taking a bite. “I think part of it was probably trying to find a way to navigate other people’s gender expectations, which was harder when I was younger. I haven’t had too much trouble with that when it’s about sex, but when it’s about dating, relationships, it’s more of a minefield.”
“That makes sense, I think? Obviously it’s super shitty. But gendered relationship stuff is...a thing.” I considered it. “I’ve definitely seen that stuff play out even with queer people.”
“It would be nice if we were immune, but we’re not. And I’m really sensitive to that kind of thing. It...gets in my head. Like the chocolates.” They gestured at the box. “I had this horrible moment of flashing back to dating people who gendered me as a woman and did things like bring me chocolates. Not that you and I—I mean we’re clearly not dating. I didn’t mean to imply—” They broke off, blushing pink. “I didn’t think you were doing that. But that’s why I acted weird about it. Sorry.”
“Oh my god, no, I’m sorry.” Buggering badgers, I was an ass. “I absolutely was not doing that. You’d mentioned the podcast and I also enjoy chocolate and I thought it’d be nice. That’s all. I swear. Plus—” I held up the chocolate I was currently eating “—you can tell I mostly brought them so you could share them with me. Totally not in any way chivalrous behavior.”