How could I even think about doing this again? Another relationship, another thing that would spin out of control when I wasn’t looking, which I would destroy like I had before. If I’d done it to someone I’d known and loved for years, who could tell what damage I’d do with someone I’d only met recently?
I realized FAD was eyeing me through the window of the shop and started walking to my car. A cummerbund might help with self-confidence, but I doubted FAD had anything that would help with massive commitment issues and a tendency toward abandonment. Sigh.
Chapter Sixteen
Halfway through the day on Thursday I got a text from Sidney that read, So, how does sex tonight sound to you? Followed almost immediately by a text that read, I wrote and deleted like twenty-three more subtle proposals until I decided that we’re both grown-ups and direct might make the most sense.
Commitment issues? What commitment issues? Hiiiiiiiiii, I WILL BE THERE WITH BELLS ON. MY DICK. BELLS ON MY DICK. (Not really. Unless you were into that.)
I do not think bells will be required, Sidney sent back.
We achieved some logistical understandings—we’d order takeout, I’d go home by midnightish so they could not totally screw up their sleep schedule—and I went back to work with a veritable spring in my step.
And texted Mason a jumping up and down GIF.
He texted back, I’m having wine for dinner and taking myself to a lousy Netflix rom-com in my living room. HAVE FUN. Softened by the kissy-face selfie he sent along with it.
I sent him a whole line of hearts and pretended to work for the rest of my shift. Actually worked? Actual work was done. While my mind was on other things.
Like Sidney. And how I’d have to stop by my apartment and shower and dress for the occasion. The occasion of sex with Sidney, hello, one must look one’s best.
Skinny jeans that made my ass look good, black T-shirt, silver choker. Not quite right yet. I texted Mase (this date selfie thing was legit) and he told me to try a scarf with the ensemble. I added a gray scarf shot through with shimmery threads and sent him another picture.
I got back You so sexy, which seemed solid, and a row of hearts which made me feel good. Before I left I laid out the clothes for the morning and pre-made a lunch, because everything needed to go smoothly.
I...may have also grabbed a little tinkling bell still out from Mia and Ronnie’s Christmas gift. Just in case. Not for my dick. But I thought it might make Sidney laugh, and I liked making them laugh.
We were both nervous. That was the first thing I noticed. They let me in and we stood there awkwardly for a minute.
“Sorry, was this weird? I think this was probably weird, right?” They bit their lip.
“Nah. Well. I didn’t think so until right now? Um, hi. Can I kiss you hello?”
“Yes please.”
That was less weird. Kissing. Lingering. Stepping a little closer until both of us had our hands on each other, until our bodies shared heat.
“Less weird?” I murmured.
“Yeah. Um, I have to keep reminding my brain that it’s okay to go for it. Because we’ve actually planned on sex.”
“Usually you tell your brain something else?”
They flushed. “Well, if we’re about to shoot a video, or if I know you’re planning to go home soon, then yeah.”
“We could do up a sandwich board for YouTube: Gone fuckin’.”
“We are not putting a sandwich board on YouTube that says Gone fuckin’.”
I pouted. “Aw, c’mon, Sidney! It’d be funny!”
They kissed me. “Granted, it would be. Only instead of a fishing pole it’d be what, a bottle of lube?”
“A bottle of lube and a set of fur-lined handcuffs?” I said hopefully.
“Those cheap fur-lined cuffs are impractical. I have better restraints than that.”
I pulled myself against them, clutching their arms. “Oh, swoon. What else do you have in your bag of tricks? Please tell me you have a literal bag of tricks.”
“It’s more of a...box.”
After much begging, I was permitted to see the box of tricks, which did not disappoint. “Oooh, butt plugs and vibrators and magic wands, oh my!”
“The magic wand is really loud, but it’s the first thing I bought when I moved into my own apartment. I still worry that the neighbors think I’m jackhammering or something.”
I giggled. “Jackhammering yourself.”
They shoved me. “Oh my god.”
“What?”
“That is not how one uses a magic wand! Unless one has the correct attachments.”
I looked into the box again. Maybe...
“Sorry.”
“Alas.” I draped myself across the bed. “Visions of jackhammering danced in my head. Then died.”
“Well.” They held up a sleek looking dildo. “Not entirely.”
“Oh boy. Oh damn. Oh yes. So, um, sex?”
Sidney grinned. “Is this where you offer to be my jackhammer?”
“I was thinking maybe this was where you showed me what you like. I mean, either way. I’m open to anything. Up for anything even. Wait, do you have a strap-on?”
“Dude. Of course. Why? Are you in need of a jackhammering?”
“You know I am.” I did a seductive eyebrow waggle that in no way made it look like I’d lost my eyebrow remote at an inopportune time. “Also—” I produced the bell with a flourish from my pocket. “Just in case.”
They laughed.
* * *
Sometime—some hours—later we stood in the kitchen eating Thai food out of takeout containers. Sidney and I had gotten different types of curry, and while I was a big communal food person, they were very much an eyes-on-your-own-plate person. They did offer a bite of theirs and, after a brief hesitation, accept a bite of mine, but then we settled into eating our own curry.
Standing in the kitchen because we were hungry, and also, at least on my part, because I was hoping we’d return to the bed afterward. Which somehow seemed less likely if we settled in on the armchairs.
“We’re going to need a decoy date,” I said when I’d eaten enough to not be starving.
“Ohhh. Yes. You mean because the alternative is sharing the details of our sex life with YouTube?”
Wait, maybe I was being strange. “Am I being strange? I’m not usually all that reserved when it comes to sex? But this feels... I don’t know.” I didn’t want to be all This feels super special and I don’t want to share even though that was sort of how it felt.