What I knew was that not getting married felt better than getting married. So I’d decided to save myself and everyone else the hassle of ever going through that again.
No more romance. Full stop. The end.
If that wasn’t the end, if I was going to try doing this again, how could I ever ask anyone to put their faith in me? Most days I could only commit to getting out of bed if I had to go to work. I regularly skipped breakfast because I hit snooze too many times.
I’d left my last boyfriend at the altar. How do you ever prove you’re trustworthy if you’ve done something like that?
Sidney laughed, bringing me back to our second favorite table at The Hole, back to this moment, in which I was nursing a Coke and ruminating over the past. Not the best idea.
I leaned forward and said confidentially to Sidney, “Do you want to hear about the time Mase moaned so loudly we thought the gay history professor was going to bust in on us while we were having sex in the empty office next to his?”
They grinned. “Hell yes.”
Mason pulled out all the dignity he could manage while slumped into a bar booth. “I still maintain that he would have joined in, which means technically I should have been louder. He was super hot.”
Sidney and I laughed. After a second Mase gave up the stoic act and grinned. Weirdly, I thought old Sidney might make it back to drinks again. Maybe the trick was not banging any of the Motherfuckers. Good plan, I thought at them, and started another story.
Chapter Three
I wasn’t sure what to expect, walking up to Sidney’s apartment for the first time. A huge building? A duplex? An old-fashioned boarding house with a landlady who forbade overnight visits from “members of the opposite sex”? (I’d always wondered if that rule ever worked out in favor of queers. Obviously the “opposite sex” deal had been debunked as an actual thing, but I still liked to imagine queers having sexy overnighters while their hetero counterparts languished with only the pleasure of their preferred hand for company.)
The apartment ended up being a lot closer to boarding house than skyscraper. The building was a converted single-family home, and Sidney’s apartment was a studio. Since “studio” sounds better than “room with a sink, a toaster oven, and a very small bathroom.”
I’d done some research—I’d meant to only check out a video or two, but three hours later I was still watching—and I was a little surprised that the actual space was so small. I’d imagined they had a whole room set aside for filming, but the recording area was only a corner in what would have been the living room part of the single room. Two folding shades were posted around what I assumed was their bed. Most of their videos were in their last apartment, so maybe that had been...bigger?
Apparently I was just, like, standing there taking it all in while they watched. “Um, sorry, I know I’m almost late, I meant to get here earlier because I didn’t know if we needed to do a sound check or something, but I got held up at work. Sorry.”
“We’re okay on time. What held you up at work?”
I waved a hand. “My boss keeps offering me a permanent position. Some people just won’t take no for an answer.” It was a weak joke and they didn’t bother laughing politely. “I’m a temp, see? I’ve been with this same agency for almost five years. Getting a permanent job is supposed to be the holy grail, but I enjoy what I’m doing right now, so.”
Insert coin, listen to Declan ramble.
They didn’t seem bothered. “What I’m hearing is you have a fear of workplace commitment.”
“Oh my god. Um. I never thought about it that way before.” Jeez, talk about a head case. “But no, it’s more like your thing with dating, right? You don’t do it because it didn’t work for you and what you’re doing now—by not dating—is working for you. Right?”
“Hmm. Not quite, I don’t think? My not dating practice is more of a guideline than a rule.”
“Oh.” For a long moment we just looked at each other. I wanted to know so much more. It probably wasn’t the right time to bombard them with a thousand questions. Was it? No, I told myself firmly. “But for real, what’s our plan? We don’t need a sound check?”
“Nope. I used to have guests regularly, so I think the set-up will be okay. This is a new place, but I can’t see how having a guest will throw everything off.” Their right shoulder—no—my right side, their left shoulder rose in a rather charming half-shrug. “Then again, the whole thing might fall apart. I’ve committed worse crimes on YouTube than the sound being a little wonky. Do you need the bathroom or anything before we start?”
I was tempted to say yes just because I’m a nosy bastard and always want to poke around in people’s bathrooms, but we probably did need to get started with the actual...shoot? Show? Stream? Whatever it was. I shook my head.
“Sweet. Let me show you where we’ll be sitting.”
Since I’d already seen other videos I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I was in for, but they surprised me again. Big lights were set up, pointing at an L-shaped desk, which sectioned off a corner of the room. And: “Dude. Is that a fucking green screen?”
“Yep.”
I did a theatrical double take at them. “You are so pro right now.”
“You can get the fabric on Amazon. Do you want to see the graphic I designed for the series?”
Did I? Considering I was still feeling tool-like for making myself the subject of a dating advice show, I wasn’t sure. Except I was also totally curious. “Show me.”
Their eyebrows did a little hop, as if I’d said something suggestive. “Okay, come this way. Welcome to my studio.”
“Yeah, like, the place is kinda small, and the hot plate kitchen gets old, but you seem to have everything you need, so hey.”
“I meant the place where I record and edit videos.”
I winced. “Uh yeah. Me too? No, sorry, I meant your apartment.”
“It’s okay.”
I wanted to believe they were trying not to smile, but the thing about the expression a person makes when they’re trying not to make a different expression is that it could be almost anything. And why not smile? Smiling was good! Which meant it was more likely they were trying not to scowl. Or no, I couldn’t picture Sidney (or anyone) scowling with those glasses on.
I sat down in the chair they weren’t standing in front of. Good clue. They sat down after I did, like a gentleman. “So, uh, this is where the magic happens?” Three minutes until their thing was scheduled to start, I couldn’t help but notice.
“Yep. Are you nervous? A lot of people are nervous the first time they’re on camera. Especially a livestream. The important thing to remember is you’re safe. No one is looking at you.”