“Don’t be sorry, that’s perfect. That’s what we’re conducting The Love Study to find out, right? What you really want.”
Were we? Did that make me more of a tool?
They knocked one of their knees against mine below the camera’s range and when I looked up, their eyes were bright and clear in the white lights. “Should we move on to the questions?”
“Yeah. Sounds good.” I shifted in my chair, ignoring the screen showing me a mirror image of the movement.
“I have a few questions, and I’m sure you all have a few questions. Remember our aim is to find out what Declan’s looking for. You’ve already said all genders and all ages over twenty-one—sorry, young’uns—so tell us something you’d consider a date dealbreaker. Could be anything.”
“Fashion glasses,” I said promptly.
They grinned.
* * *
The show only lasted twenty minutes. I couldn’t believe it when I looked at the clock. “I feel like I’ve been talking in front of that camera for an hour.”
“It either feels long or short to people. Sometimes it flies by. Sometimes it drags.” They hit the button on the monitor of their computer. “Sorry, if that’s up I’ll just keep messing with things and watching the comments.”
“Oh my god, I forgot about the comments. Are people destroying me?”
They shook their head. “Well, it’s YouTube. You always have some percent of people who are doing death threats and rape threats and spewing homophobia. And some percent of people who are glowing adoringly. The middle ground is where things get interesting.”
I made a vigorous go on motion with my hands.
“People like you. You’re charming and attractive and friendly. My brother has accused you of ageism, but he’s mostly joking.”
“Ohmygodyourbrother?” My whole body contorted totally without my permission.
“He comments as YourSpinsterOwl, which is a nickname I used to call him when he was a baby because his eyes were so big and he watched everything.” They waved a hand. “Don’t worry, he’s eleven and therefore well below your dating pool.”
“Aww, he’s eleven and he watches the show? That’s super cute.”
“Yes, it’s...one of the reasons I felt I could move. Now that he’s old enough to message me and Instagram at me and comment on videos, we won’t lose touch. Um. Anyway.” Their voice got slightly higher, as if they were flustered. “A rather larger portion of my regulars have volunteered to be your dates, which I probably should have expected but didn’t, so that’s interesting.”
“Hey!” I pinched up my face in comic anger. “You thought people wouldn’t want to go out with me? That’s super cold, Sidney.”
Their cheeks colored. “I didn’t mean that. I meant, er, the volume of people who specifically volunteered surprised me a little. Not because of you, because of them. Some of them like to pretend they’re wizened old cynics, but I think you wooed them with your talk of hating long walks on the beach.”
“I like the beach! Listen, I think that was entrapment. I never said I didn’t like the beach! Just it’s often really windy and sand blows in your face and gets, like, everywhere, and sometimes you get cold and want to go inside, so—” I broke off. “Are you teasing me right now?”
That smirk again. Oh jeez.
“Maybe a little.”
I sat back in my chair and shook my head. “YouTube doesn’t see the side of you that gets off on me tying my tongue in knots. You know that only makes me want to provoke you, right?”
“You’ve only been on one show, I don’t think you can say what I show to YouTube.”
“Except I’ve watched a bunch of your videos, so I think I can.”
They froze. “Oh. You did?”
“Uh, yeah.” Who agrees to go on a show and doesn’t watch it? “Do your other guests not watch it?”
“I’m not sure. I didn’t think you would.”
I wasn’t sure how to parse that and didn’t want to lose the thread. “Well, I did. So I know a little bit, and I think you hide some of yourself. Which is cool, except I like that. Uh. This. Thing. Wait.”
They glanced up. “You like me teasing you? I could definitely do that on camera if you wanted.”
“Hang on. I think I had the upper hand for a minute here, but I’ve lost it now.”
“I’m pretty sure any impression that you had the upper hand was an illusion. How was it, though? Not too traumatic?”
I almost reassured them without thinking, but forced myself to stop. A lot of people asked questions without being invested in the answers, but if I’d learned anything in the last half hour, it was that Sidney really liked thoughtful answers. “Not traumatic. I guess parts of it were a little...awkward? When I remembered people were watching. But most of the time it felt the way you said, like you and I were talking, which is super happy. Easy. Happy-making. Um.” Mayday, mayday. “Anyway, I showed you mine, now you show me yours—long walks on the beach? What’s your perfect vacation?”
“Oh.” They fiddled with their little wireless mouse, also red, like their frames. “A bed-and-breakfast out in the country, somewhere that’s not in the US. Lots of space to walk, not too many people. Interesting ruins to explore optional but preferred.”
“God, that sounds incredible. Not the big commercialized ruins, though, right? The ones on the side of the road that you walk through feeling almost like you’re the first one to ever see it?”
“Exactly. You can have that fantasy that you’re going places no one else has gone. Even though you know it’s not true, it still sounds compelling to me.”
I nodded. “Maybe when you make your first million on YouTube, right?”
“It’s on my ‘made my first million’ bucket list. Travel, afford grad school. The usual things.”
A very slightly strained silence fell. Not super strained or anything. For two people who barely knew each other it was pretty comfortable, with just a whiff of strained.
“So,” I said. “I guess I’ll see you next week?”
“Sure, depending on when you can set up a date.”
Jeez, I’d almost forgotten I was going to have to go on dates in order to justify coming back to chat with Sidney each week. Downer.
“I think we should go with transparency,” they were saying, “which should be easy enough since your dates will be in some sense generated by the show. I’ll set up a basic profile and sort through whoever, um, applies? Signs up? Volunteers? I’m not sure what verb to use here that doesn’t make you seem like a fire truck to ride at the state fair.”