“Baby girl,” Rayne mimics her enthusiasm and catches her as she attempts to leap out of my arms and into his.
“I’ve misseded you this much,” Hadley exuberantly says as she holds her arms out to where her shoulders are even with her outstretched arms.
“That’s all?” Rayne teasingly asks.
“It’s as fars as my arms goes,” she informs him, as if he couldn’t figure that out for himself. I begin mercilessly laughing and soon, the sisters are joining me.
“Guess what, Hadley?” Sibley draws my daughter’s attention to her.
“What?” Hadley enthusiastically asks, her eye wide in anticipation. She’s acting as if she’s fixing to learn all of the worlds deep, dark, hidden secrets.
“You get to play with us tonight. Mom and Dad are gonna talk and we’re at your disposal. Anything you wanna do, we’re down for it,” Sibley answers.
“Mom and Dad are gonna talk?” I mimic Sibley’s words while looking at Rayne in question. “Why do Mom and Dad need to talk?”
“I’ll answer that soon,” Rayne says as he makes his way into the house, his sisters on the heels of his feet.
“Good luck,” Justine whispers in my ear on her way past me.
“Luck, why do I need luck?” I ask aloud, yet no one answers. I only get sympathetic looks from the three sisters. “Oh joy, there goes my relaxation.”
11
Jacey
Time drags by as I watch the hands slowly tick on the clock. Supper has been cooked and devoured, but I’ve been nervously watching Rayne for signs of how this talk is going to go. He’s given no signs of distress; I’m hoping that’s an omen to the fact that this talk isn’t going to tear me to emotional shreds.
I’m elbow deep in soap suds, choosing to procrastinate this talk as long as I possibly can. The dishwasher would’ve been faster, but it wouldn’t have bought me enough time to get lost in my thoughts. We aren’t technically together, so it’s not as if he could break up with me. As far as I’m aware, their tour ended, and another one isn’t set to take place for another two years. According to Rayne, he and the girls all needed a break from the back-to-back touring schedule they’ve been living the last five years.
I’m secretly happy, but worried about what could happen in that time frame and how I’ll feel when he’s back on the road and it’s Hadley and me alone again. I brush those thoughts away. There’s no use worrying about something that’s still so far away. When the time comes closer, I’ll know where our relationship is and how I’ll feel.
We could just end up friends co-parenting a child together, or we could be more, and if we do end up being together again, will I need to make the ultimate sacrifice and let my business go so I can join him on the road? Or, will I be the one who stays behind, worried constantly about what my man is doing while I’m not there?
I know for a fact that he never, not once, cheated on me, but I was always at his side. Will that be different if I’m not glued to him?
“Jacey, what’s put that soured expression on your face?” Rayne asks me as he leans his hip against the counter and gives me a skeptical, worried look.
“So damn much that I wouldn’t know where to begin explaining it to you,” I answer. I could’ve lied to him, I could’ve told him everything, but I don’t want to count my eggs before they’ve had a chance to hatch. Therefore, I’ll keep all of my future worries out of my head.
“Are you almost done here? I just put Hadley down and she’s asking for hugs and kisses from her momma.”
“Yeah, I can finish these few dishes up later,” I tell him as I grab a kitchen towel and dry off the water on my hands.
“I’ll finish these. You go say goodnight to our girl. My sisters are waiting to tell you goodbye before they leave for the evening.” They didn’t take Hadley as planned, the evening got away from us which has posteoned our previous plans for her to spend the night with her aunts.
First, I say goodnight to the girls, then I go into Hadley’s bedroom to tell her goodnight and tuck her in the way she likes to be. Once her eyes are firmly shut, I turn on her nightlight and leave her bedroom door cracked.
“She down?” Rayne asks me as I walk back into the kitchen where he’s drying the last plate.
“Yeah, I left her door cracked though. She seems a little out of sorts and had a hard time shutting her eyes.”
“Having so many people doting on her is new. It’s gonna take her a bit to adjust, I’d imagine.”
“She’s loving every minute of it, Rayne. She’s only ever really had me, so she’s feeling special and a bit spoiled.” I let loose a brief, nervous chuckle.
“You ready for our talk, Jacey?”
“Not really. I’m a bit nervous. Is it something bad, Rayne?”
“No. Is that what’s had you so jittery and jumpy tonight?”
“A little,” I lie.
“There’s no need to be worried, come on,” he says, holding his hand out for mine. “I promise, Jacey, this talk isn’t what you’re making it out to be in your head.” He all but drags me into the living room and pushes me gently down onto the couch. I fall like a bump on a log. My legs are stiff and my body is just as tight. I do not do well with these hard types of conversations. The last time he told me we needed to talk, he shattered my world and heart into tiny, irreplaceable fractured shards and pieces.
For a long time, I compared myself to Humpty Dumpty. I sat on that wall and when I fell, it took a long time for me to put myself back together again. If it hadn’t have been for Hadley, I may still be that fractured woman struggling her way through life.
I cannot go through that again, I resolve. I need to put that wall that I had built, back up around my heart. I refuse to allow this man, the love of my life, to come back into my life and for my world to once again revolve solely around him. I need to think of myself for a change.
Rayne
I see her body stiffen as we make our way into the living room. The small progress I was making with her seems to have diminished with those small words that I stated to her. We need to talk. Jesus, I should’ve known it’d throw her back into a memory of a bad time between the two of us. A talk that irrevocably hurt the two of us.
What my mind thought back then was that we both needed some space from one another. I believed that some time apart would help us regrow and build on a new, stronger foundation.
If I’d known then what I know now, I would’ve taken the time to go on a trip; just the two of us, so we could’ve reconnected.
“This talk, it’s nothing like the one we had before. I swear to you, Jacey, I’m here now, forever, you can’t and won’t be getting rid of me,” I vow to her.
She only nods her head in acquiescence as I escort her over to the couch. She numbly sits as I take my place on the coffee table before her. “What is it you’d like to discuss with me, Rayne?” Now, she’s talking to me as if I were one of her clients instead of her daughter’s father, her man.