He didn’t want to burden her with those issues. But she was strong and hung in there with him. Even putting off her dream of adopting a baby and becoming a mother, just for him.
Just for him.
She did that for him.
He climbed into bed and rolled to his side, staring down into her face, meeting her soft, green eyes. His woman looked satisfied.
He was working the parade that afternoon and would be doing overtime so he could have Christmas day off to spend with his family. To spend with Levi on his first Christmas. So, he really needed to catch a few more zzz’s, but right now, he needed to look at his wife and remind himself how lucky he was to have her.
She reached up and cupped his cheek. “You need more sleep. Are you working until eleven?”
“No, noon to eight to cover the parade and give some of the other officers who volunteered to work tomorrow a break.”
“That was very kind of them to do so.”
“They know how important tomorrow is.”
“That gives me hope that this world will one day be more accepting in general.”
He sighed and drew a knuckle down the soft skin of her cheek. He had caused her so much worry and pain the last few years. And adopting Levi was one of the ways he could show her his appreciation.
“Should I take Levi?” she asked.
“To the parade? Will he know what’s going on?”
“Of course not, but—”
“It’s too cold out for him.”
He knew why Carly’s lips twitched. The protective instinct that he had for Carly, he also had for his son. It had been instant. Holding the newborn right after he was born showed Matt how vulnerable Levi was.
“The whole family is gathering on the sidewalk in front of Manes on Main. Levi is the only grandchild not going over to your parents today to spend the day with them.”
“Carly, he’s five weeks old.” There was no reason for Levi to be passed off to his parents today, they already had their hands full with the rest of the grandkids and Greg. Plus, the three of them were spending the next day at the farm, anyway.
“I’m aware of that, Matt. But he’s a Bryson now and should be around his family.”
Of course he should. But he didn’t like the thought of Carly and Levi standing on the sidewalk, not only in the cold, but where a Shirley could spot them if they were skulking around. He also wasn’t going to argue with her. One, he would lose and two, it would only get his blood pressure up. “Then take him. Teddy has a huge window in the salon. Just stand inside with him and watch the parade from there.” At least they would be out of the elements and safer, which would give him some peace of mind.
Or at least he hoped so.
“I could do that.”
“As long as I don’t get a call, I’ll be wandering around the parade route. I’ll stop in and check on you two.”
“That sounds like a plan.”
He doubted any of the Shirleys would show up to watch the parade. They usually avoided town whenever possible. They hated the police. They hated the town council. They considered themselves a sovereign nation which governed themselves.
In reality, it was all bullshit. A sovereign nation wasn’t recognized by the government, which meant they held no power and were subject to follow the same laws as everyone else.
But, unfortunately, those fuckwads didn’t accept that. Which meant they were a thorn in the Manning Grove PD’s side.
And even though his and Carly’s names were on Levi’s birth certificate and the baby bore the Bryson last name, Matt still worried about the Shirleys. That redneck clan on the mountain was unpredictable and their leader had raped Autumn repeatedly until she was pregnant with his child.
No matter what, that child wasn’t a Shirley. He was a Bryson and Matt would protect him as such. At the parade, all the Brysons currently wearing a badge would be working and unable to watch Carly and Levi closely. The only one who would not be in uniform would be Leah, who was pregnant, and there was no way he’d risk anything happening to his unborn niece or nephew.
Having Leah still do patrol also freaked Matt the fuck out. Why Marc put up with it, he didn’t know. Matt had shared his displeasure with his chief, and oldest brother, time and time again, just like he’d done when she was pregnant with Austin and Jax. But Max left the decision up to Leah and Carly, who was Leah’s OB/GYN, and once she hit seven months Leah was given no choice and put on desk duty. That had been the compromise. Matt understood how boring and frustrating working the desk could be, because he’d been put there several times as punishment for things out of his control.
Even so, he didn’t like seeing his sister-in-law, who he was close with and cared about as if she was a blood sister, putting herself at risk while pregnant.
Even thinking about it now tightened his jaw and made his fingers clench into fists.
If Leah was his wife, he wouldn’t allow it. He would put his foot down and demand her to be assigned desk duty as soon as the pregnancy test showed a plus sign.
Unfortunately, nobody gave a fuck how he felt about it.
He just didn’t want to risk any more children. Too many children had suffered or died on his watch. And it was because of that, seeing those children dead or dying that had splintered his brain into a million pieces. It was because of those vulnerable innocents who suffered that made him not want children of his own.
The fear of seeing his own child like that would destroy him.
He was clear with Carly in the beginning that he didn’t want any. And she was clear with him that was all she wanted. To be a mother. Even though she was incapable of getting pregnant.
To keep Carly in his life, he had done his best to eventually be okay with having a child of their own.
Or he would’ve lost her.
And he needed her.
Christ, he needed her.
Without her, he wouldn’t have survived returning to civilian life. He would’ve eaten his gun or been locked in a padded room in a mental hospital.
Without her, he wouldn’t have Levi.
So now Levi was his responsibility. His to protect and care for.
And the fuck if he’d let any of those inbred motherfuckers on that mountain steal him or hurt him in any way.
If they even approached the baby, if they even looked in his direction, whether he was five-weeks-old or fifteen, Matt would gather Sig and his brotherhood of bikers and finish what the Blood Fury MC started.
Officer of the law or not, he was now Levi’s father first.
“Matt!”
He frowned, wondering why she sounded panicked. Was something wrong with Levi? With her?
His breathing became strained, his vision tunneled.
Oh fuck, he hadn’t done this in a really long time...
As he blindly reached for Carly’s hand, everything went black.
“Matt... Matt...”
Air in.
Air out.
“Come back to me... Matt, please. Breathe...”
Inhale.
Exhale.
“Just breathe, baby.”
He was trying.
He blinked and the darkness began to fade, his vision began to widen.
He knew where he was. He knew who he was with.
He was safe.
Safe.
It had been a long time since he’d had a panic attack. Or blacked out unexpectedly. The meds usually helped keep him steady.