“Are you shitting me?”
“I wish I were, but no. It’s so bizarre and it feels like I’m living in some sort of alternate universe.”
“Has Jackson tried to call you?”
“Yes, but I hit ignore every time.”
She’s eyeing me like she wants to say something but is hesitant.
“What is it?”
“I think you should talk to him.”
“Not you too? April thinks I should talk to him and give him another chance.”
“I mean, why not? I’m not discounting what happened, but he was blindsided by this too. He has to be just as confused and hurt as you are. Plus, that man loves you so much and he would never do anything to purposely hurt you.”
“I see what you’re saying, but I’m not sure if I have the strength right now. Maybe after some time has passed and my head clears so that I can think clearly.”
“That sounds like a good idea. Don’t give up on him just yet, take some time and work it out. You get the clarity you need and make the right decision.”
“Okay, I will. Thank you for the advice and thanks for listening. I’m so full of emotions that I can’t think clearly right now. You really put things in perspective for me.” Hugging me, she says,
“I’m always here to listen and help.”
We finish lunch and wrap it up for today. We ride down the elevator and when the doors open, Jackson is waiting by my car. I hesitate a little, but we walk over to him. Stephanie gives me another hug and says,
“I’ll leave you two alone to talk. See you tomorrow, Crys.”
She looks at Jackson and just nods her head. We watch her until she’s safely in her car and heading out.
“Jackson, what are you doing here?”
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but until I handle this Mina situation, I’m going to be here every day making sure you’re safe. Please let me do this, Crys.”
The brokenness of his voice tells me that Steph is right, but I’m not ready to talk to him.
“Situation? She’s more than a fucking situation, that bitch could’ve killed me.” I feel the anger snaking its way up my body and I’m starting to shake. I love this man so much and the mixture of emotions is warring inside me.
“I know, and I’m sorry, fuck you don’t know how sorry I am. I know I should’ve” …I raise my hand and cut him off.
“Look, I’ll allow you to do this, but don’t think for one second that I want to hear your excuses for not telling me about her. If, and that’s a big if, I decide to talk to you, it will be on my terms. Until then, I don’t want to hear it. Is that understood?”
“Understood,” he says.”
I know I’m being mean, but it’s the only way that I’ll be strong enough to resist touching him. I have to keep my guard up and keep my head clear. I get in my car and watch as he pulls behind me to follow me home. Once we get to my house, I pull into the garage and close it without saying a word. I slump against the door and cry…again. When will the tears stop? When will I feel better and move on? I’m not sure I want to move on and not have Jackson in my life. All I know is, I want this heartache to stop. It’s tearing me apart and I’m afraid that he is the only one that can put me back together.
Chapter 21
Crystal
The next few weeks pass in a blur. I’m just going through the motions, functioning on auto pilot, and yet, not really functioning. Jackson follows me to and from work every day like he said he would. He says good morning and good night, but that’s about it. He’s adhering to my rules and hasn’t once pushed to talk to me. It takes everything in me to stay quiet and reserved. I don’t want him to see through my walls. I don’t want him to see how being so near without touching him is torturing me. I’m not sure how much longer I can resist.
The weekend arrives and the girls are going out of town on business. April has a convention in New Orleans and Chassity has to go to Milan. I’ll have the house to myself, so I think I’ll invite Jackson in for dinner so that we can talk. It’s been a month since I broke up with him and I feel like I’m ready to talk. I just need to understand why he kept things from me. If I’m being honest with myself, I really didn’t hear anything he said in the heat of the moment at his house. I was so hurt and disgusted that I just wanted to get out of there. When he pulls into the driveway behind me and starts to wave goodbye, I stop him. Walking over to his car, I ask,
“Would you like to come in for a bit? I can order us some dinner and we can talk.”
“I would love that.”
“I can’t make any promises, but I feel like we really need to talk and try to sort this out. I have the house to myself and that will give us some privacy.”
I close the garage and we walk into the kitchen. He’s so close that I can feel the heat from his body. I stop abruptly and he crashes into me. We stay like that for a moment, but then I get a grip on my emotions and ask for some space because I can’t think with him this close.
“Sorry, I just miss you –“ I stop him.
“Please don’t, I asked you to come in so that we can get everything out in the open, but I’m still very upset and I don’t want anything to cloud my judgement. We have a lot to talk about and there can’t be anything to distract from that. I feel the tension just like you do, but we have to discuss what happened and I’m not sure that I’ll ever trust you again. Can you understand that?”
“Yes, I understand, and I hope with everything in me that you can learn to trust me again. I would never do anything to purposely hurt you. You have to believe me, Crys.”
The pleading in his voice is tugging at my heartstrings, and I pray with everything in me, that I learn to trust him again.
“I’m going to go change and order us a pizza. There’s beer in the fridge, so help yourself.”
I head upstairs, feeling on edge and full of anxiety. I don’t know what this evening will bring, but I want us to seriously talk, so I change into sweatpants and a t-shirt. I put a single braid down my back and remove my makeup. When I get back downstairs, Jackson is looking out of the patio doors, watching the sunset. He looks so natural standing there and, once again, I have to stop myself from touching him. “The pizza should be here soon. Do you want to eat out on the patio?”
“Yes, the fresh air will do me good and help me relax a little.”
As if on cue, the doorbell rings and our pizza arrives. I pay the delivery guy, while Jackson grabs us fresh beers, napkins, and plates. We head out to the patio and take a seat at the table. It really is a nice sunset tonight and the slight breeze is comforting.
“Crys, I know I should’ve told you that Mina and Charlene were the same person. I was hoping to handle it without you ever knowing because I was so afraid for you to get hurt or worse. She was an online date and she had this fantasy of us being more. I found out that she was in a mental institution and she recently escaped. I don’t know where she lives, and I didn’t want her to go on the run again. I wanted to take her into custody and get her the help she needs. Her story is tragic. Even with everything she’s done now, this has been going on since she was sixteen and the system failed her. I just wanted a peaceful ending to all of this, but now I know that’s not a possibility. I swear, I was going to tell you if I couldn’t get her under control. When I recognized her at your dinner party, I panicked and everything I had planned on how to handle this, flew out the window. When I took you to the club, I saw her watching us and I lost it. I was out of my mind with anger and I took it out on you. Crys, I’m so sorry for what I did. Can you please find it in your heart to believe me?”