“Jackson, I need you to leave.”
Jackson
I must’ve been hearing things. “Did you just say I need to leave?”
“Yes, Jackson, you need to leave.”
“I don’t understand. I thought we were working through this and what we just did meant that you forgive me. I’m confused.”
“I know you are. And I’m sorry.”
Waving her hands around, she says,
“This should’ve never happened, but being near you is too much. We should’ve just talked on the phone. That way we both could think clearly and not let our physical needs get in the way. I’ve been missing you so much this past week and I got caught up in the moment when you touched me.”
“You were caught up?”
I get up and start putting my clothes on.
“Look, Crys, I get it, but I’m so confused right now. With everything going on with Mike’s case and with Mina, I can’t afford to get distracted. I wanted us to start healing from this together, but you’re obviously not ready if you can ask me to leave after what we just did. I’ll leave, but until I handle the other things I have going on, this can’t happen again. As a matter of fact, I don’t think we should see each other for a while.
“Jackson, wait, please let me explain.”
“I can’t be here, I’m sorry. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk. Until then, I’ll have an officer escort you to and from work.”
I walk out and can hear her calling after me as I descend the stairs, but I need to get out of here. I lock up the patio doors and am leaving out the front door when I see her standing on the stairs with tears streaming down her face. She looks gorgeous and I just want to take her back upstairs and make love to her all night, to let her know that we’re going to be okay. But she just destroyed me and for the first time, my faith in us falters. I walk over to her, grab her face, and place a gentle kiss on her lips.
“Set the alarm after I go.”
With that, I walk out the door and drive away, uncertain that I’ll ever see her again.
Chapter 22
Jackson
I have to make myself stop thinking about her. After what we just did, I feel so confused and unsure. I mean, she gave everything to me. I felt her give in completely to me and then she asked me to leave. Is this a game to her? Did she regret it? I don’t know what point she’s trying to get across, but I can’t deal with this right now. The bust is happening tomorrow night and I have to be focused on that. It would’ve been good to have this thing with Crystal settled, but I guess all good things must come to an end.
Crystal
I feel sick. What was I thinking leading with those words right after we made love? I’m such an idiot. I know he’s confused right now, and I have to find a way to explain. I run upstairs to grab my phone to call him. After several rings, it goes to voicemail. I leave him a message.
“Jackson, I didn’t want you to leave like that. I promise, it’s not what you think. Please come back and let me explain. I love you and I want to fight for us. Please, just come back.”
I wait and I wait, but I never hear from him. I’m alone and I have no one to blame but myself. I’m going to give him space and then try to reach out again. I don’t want this to be over. I was so angry with him and I just needed some time to think. Our relationship is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, and I want this. I want him. Big fat tears fall onto my cheeks as I cry. I need my girls to help me get through this. I messed up, but I know without a doubt that Jackson and I belong together. The doorbell rings, bringing me out of my pity party. I grab my robe and head downstairs. I breathe a sigh of relief as I see Jeffrey on the other side. I swing the door open and when he sees my face, he opens his arms and envelopes me in his warmth.
He lets me cry for what seemed like hours and when I finally calm down we talk.
“Jeffrey, I totally messed things up with Jackson.”
“Oh honey, what happened?”
I lay it all out for him. This huge mess that I made and have no idea how to fix.
He’s quiet for a moment and then he says,
“Why did you ask him to leave?”
“Because, I needed some space to think. I can’t think clearly when he’s around and I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling was really what I wanted. Not just a result of him fucking me and making me forget.”
“Maybe you should’ve explained to him what was going through your head. That you want to take things slower instead of asking him to leave. If you love him, then that is what will help you make the right decision, with or without him screwing your brains out. Relationships are complicated as it is, I mean look at us and what we went through. If we had communicated and been honest with our feelings, we probably would’ve had our chance at real happiness sooner, rather than later. You can’t assume anything when it comes to men. When we’re hurt, we would rather deal with it alone instead of trying to figure it out. Give him time to work it out and I promise he’ll come around. It may take more time than you’d like, but it will be in his own time when he’s ready.
I know that Jeffrey is right, but I feel like I’ve lost him. We spend the rest of the evening talking and watching movies. Jeffrey stays the night with me, and it feels good to have my friend here to comfort me. He wraps me in his arms, and I fell asleep with renewed faith that this will all work out.
I wake up the next morning and I feel a little better. I decide not to text Jackson because I know today is a big day for him. I don’t want him to have any distractions. I’m so nervous and to not be able to share my feelings with him is torture. I should be telling him I love him and that I’ll be praying for him, Javi, and the rest of his unit. I should be telling him that I won’t fall asleep until he slips into bed and kisses me while he makes love to me. But, no, I screwed this up big time and I can’t be selfish right now with wanting to hear his voice. I get up to use the bathroom, brush my teeth and head downstairs. When I get to the kitchen, Jeffrey is making us breakfast. He makes the best California Omelet and I can’t wait to dig in. I grab us mugs for coffee and apple butter for the toast.
“You look tired,” Jeffrey says.
He’s slicing some fresh avocado and jalapenos for our omelets.
“I know. I slept well, but I’ve been exhausted lately. It’s probably all of the stress.”
“I can only imagine. Especially with having this Mina person posing as a temp. I mean that is some crazy shit!”
“I know, right! She changed her identity and moved here for Jackson. As crazy as she is, the woman is smart, but she’s dangerous.”
“Sounds like a lethal combination if you ask me. She’s been plotting this for years, left a trail of bodies across the country and outsmarted the FBI for this long? The woman is a criminal genius!”
“As if I need reminding! I did kick her ass though.”
We both start laughing as Jeffrey places my breakfast down in front of me and I feel sick to my stomach. The smell causes a wave of nausea like I’ve never felt before. I make a beeline to the downstairs bathroom and make it just in time to throw up. The bile stinging my throat and making me gag even more. There’s nothing in my belly, so I have a fit of dry heaves. Jeffrey comes running in with a wet washcloth for my face. The coolness brings some relief to my hot face. I sit back against the wall and he’s staring at me.