“Well, that’s the other reason Mark needs you in Virginia, and I’m here to drag your ass down there. You’re the best at what you do, and we need your help with a high profile personality who doesn’t seem to be what he claims. We’ll pay you, of course…”
“Of course… But not enough money can make me go back to Virginia. You know it. Mark knows it. And Elaine’s parents should know better than throwing a memorial for their daughter. She would have hated the idea.” I finally put the glass down on the bar and walk away, to my office. Going to Virginia means talking about her, seeing our friends, visiting her parents, shaking the hands of people who loved her, loved us, and I can’t.
I can’t be the Oliver they knew. I can’t be the Oliver I used to be. I killed him the same day I killed my fiancée. I destroyed him the same way I ruined my life.
“Ol,” my sister knocks quickly and appears before me with my son in her arms. I already know what she’s going to tell me, and I don’t like it, but I also know I have no counterargument to it.
“Go ahead, give me your lecture,” I sigh.
“You keep saying you’re healed and all good to go, but by refusing to set foot in Virginia, you show me that you aren’t. So I’m going to put my foot down and be extremely clear with you. If you’re as good as you claim, then you’re going to Virginia because Pat and Sue need you there. Also, Mark and Jackson have a job for you. Or, I’m dragging you to therapy once and for all. Because if you think I’m going to let you pretend everything is fine now that you’re responsible for my perfect nephew, you’re wrong. He deserves the best version of you, and I want my brother back. Not the washed up version of this scaredy-cat who lets my husband, a rock star, beat him up. For a former SEAL, you’ve become a shadow of yourself. Go hang out with Mark and get high on adrenaline again. Jump from buildings like you used to, drive fast, accept the risks you could control so well all but that one time. I’m sure your employees can manage the bar while you’re away. Just go. Find yourself again and leave Aito here. You’ll catch up with him later.”
“I’m not leaving Aito here.” I snap.
“You’re certainly not taking him with you. Lars and Naomi won’t allow you to travel with the nanny after you’ve fucked the last ones. No way. And you can’t take him with you and work at the same time.”
“But it’s my two weeks. I don’t want to miss a thing.”
“Stop using him as an excuse, Ol. He should be what gives you the force to heal, not what anchors you in the superficial life you have.” Always wanting to prove her wrong, I swallow my fears of leaving Aito behind and going back to Virginia and nod.
“Good,” Jackson says from the threshold of my office. “I have a few things to do in town and some friends to see, but we’ll leave tomorrow. 0800. Be ready.”
He tilts his head toward me and takes his phone—certainly to call Mark and tell him his mission accomplished.
Anna gives me Aito and tells me to call Naomi to arrange everything before leaving, as if I don’t know I need to tell the mother of my son that I can’t take care of him for the next two weeks.
Or longer?
Jackson didn’t say how long Mark needed me for. And in a way, I know they did it on purpose, so I’ll call my old buddy. Mark knows how to get me out of my comfort zone and hand me the parachute I need to land better.
I shiver at the idea and bring the head of my son to my nose. Breathing in the baby smell, I find the peace I need to get ready for a trip to my former life, to see Mark again, to face Elaine’s parents and all of our friends.
Nestling him against my chest, I close my eyes and dream of a different life where Elaine is here with me, raising Aito.
Because it’s a dream, I don’t have to figure out why my kid is half Japanese and if I cheated on her. Musing over a life that can’t be, I shut my brain down and try not to think about what is expected of me tomorrow, the day after that, and in the coming weeks.
Slowly Elaine disappears from my thoughts, and the faces of our Virginia entourage come to haunt me, and with them all the explanations I never gave and the blame I never shared.
Maybe this trip is not a way to finally grieve, but a way to expose the fraud I am. By running after phonies for years, I never thought I would become one. But maybe it’s time to show the world I’m not who they thought I was.
After all, I’m only a coward, a quitter, a deserter.
Someone who couldn’t face the death of the woman he loved.
Chapter Two
TESSA
“No!”
“Tessa, be reasonable for once. You need to stop all the crazy and calm the fuck down. I would hate to have to call your mother.” Quinn says, towering over me as if he was responsible for me. I guess that’s what he believes. That’s what happens when your fiancé asks his buddy to look after you if anything happens to him and then dies.
“Look at you, all mighty and happy, daddy Quinn. You’d better not dare! Tell me... Don’t you miss the rush of doing something dangerous? Don’t you miss jumping off planes and running through fires? I won’t stop. I won’t quit. I won’t rest. You only live once, Quinn. You, more than the others, should know that.” I cross my arms on the sofa and raise an eyebrow at him to calm down. Of course, he doesn’t.
“Listen, Murdock,” I growl, hearing the stupid nickname Quinn and Mark gave me since King died, and I decided to live my life fully. “Ashton and I are worried —”
“More than worried,” Ashton pipes in behind her husband. We’ve become close in the past few years, but not enough for her to lecture me. I won’t let anyone stop me.
“More than worried,” Quinn picks up where he left off. “We said nothing when you quit your well-paid job and went to travel the world to heal.” He quotes the word “heal” as if it isn’t what I did. I roll my eyes at him. He’s such an idiot. “We still said nothing when you came home, didn’t go back to be a mechanical engineer, and decided to be a bartender, a receptionist, a nanny, or whatever keeps you busy. When you started your daredevil way of life, we shut up as well. I said nothing when you tried parachuting and bull riding. I said fuck all when you said you cliff-dived in Thailand and water rafted in Canada. I get it. The adrenaline, the desire to feel alive after what happened to you. I. Get. It. But racing cars? What the fuck, Tessa?”
“Is it because I’m a woman?” I stand. Quinn may be impressive with his dark, buzz cut hair and muscular arms, but he doesn’t scare me. He can growl and snap, but he won’t bite. And if he does, I’ll bite back.
“It has nothing to do with you being a woman, and you know it.” He steps closer and crosses his arms as well. I roll my eyes once more.
“You know I used to test drive the cars I engineered anyway. What’s the difference?” I ask, puffing out my chest.
“The difference is, you were not driving a car built by God knows who at 200 mph.”
“It’s 160, Ladykiller. I mean, I will get to 200, but I need to practice a little more.”