Just thinking about it has my heart pumping. 200 mph will give me the jolt of electricity I need to feel alive. Life has been quite dull since King died, and if I die tomorrow, I prefer to at least take a chance on life.
I’m a little wild, so what?
It’s not like I’m playing Russian roulette with a gun to my temple.
I know what I’m doing.
I push the limits in the confines of sports that have rules to follow.
I’m not suicidal, nor do I want to die. I just want to feel alive.
Not that I’ve said anything to those two. They’d drag me to therapy.
“Look, Smurfette,” Ashton loves giving ridiculous nicknames. Since I dyed a few strands of my blonde hair blue, I became a Smurf. As she has red hair, I gave her a new nickname as well.
“Yes, Azrael?” It’s the mean orange cat in the Smurfs. I smirk, knowing she hates it. Ashton grunts to prove me right.
“All we’re saying is that you’re maybe pushing your luck a little too far. I know you love cars, you love driving and living on the edge, but racing cars is a little dangerous.”
“More dangerous than giving your life for your country on a mission gone wrong?”
Quinn and Ashton look at me with sadness in their eyes. Yeah, I’m playing the dead fiancé card. I’m not a widow per se, we weren’t married.
A fact King’s mother reminded me of over and over.
She always disapproved of me and our relationship, so when the time came to help each other through the burden that was King’s passing. She shut me out and made me feel like the dirty piece of gum under her shoe.
Which I was.
He hadn’t even told her we were engaged.
I swallow the ball of anger and disappointment I still feel about the way I was treated after his death and breathe in.
“Of course not. But we’re highly trained for that, and we don’t do it for the thrill,” Quinn says more softly than before.
“Right…” I want to call bullshit, but we had this fight so many times, I prefer to back down. We don’t see eye to eye on the subject.
If I knew I was with someone that could die, if I knew the risks he took and why he took them, in hindsight, I came to realize that I was maybe lying to myself thinking I was strong enough to shoulder it. If his death has taught me anything, it’s that life is too short to cry over people and get trapped in a relationship. Move on. Live your life to the fullest. Embrace who you really are.
“Maybe you could talk with Mark again about working for them as a receptionist?” I look at Ashton with daggers in my eyes.
Glorified babysitting. That’s what this is.
Because I know how to pick up a phone, Ashton and Quinn want me to work at Cole Security Forces, so Mark and the guys can keep an eye on me at all times.
Our friend Natalie works there too. She went through agony when her husband disappeared. So talking to her should help. Doesn’t matter that the guy came back and was PTSD as fuck. Doesn’t matter she fell in love with someone else and now lives happily ever after.
They all tell me she can relate.
But can she?
“If I work for Mark, it won’t be to answer a damned phone… Now, if it’s for you two to be up my ass, I have better places to be. I was telling you guys just to let you know why I wouldn’t be around much over the next month or so, not for me to get a stupid lecture on my way of life. But thank you, I feel so much better knowing you got my back.” I pass them and make my way to the door.
I was never close with my family, so if I were to lose my closest friends, it would be hard, but I’d never stand in the way of someone rejecting who I am or how I live my life.
“Tessa, don’t…” I shake my head for them to stop speaking. I understand their worries. I understand Quinn made a promise he needs to uphold. I understand we became friends more because of circumstances than by choice. But I can’t have them telling me that I need help, that I need to talk to someone, that I need to calm down. Not again. Not ever, again.
Driving away, I’m not surprised to get a call from Mark. Of course, Ashton called him to talk about my new endeavors. Of course, he decided to call me.
“Murdock,” he says when I pick up. Again with that stupid Marvel nickname.
“What do you want, Dixon? I’m letting you know I’m not in the mood for yet another lecture about racing cars.”
“Oh, I know. I’m not calling for that. In fact, I need a favor.” As suspicious as I am of Mark and his intentions, I’m curious how I could help him.
“I’m listening.”
“A very good friend of mine is arriving in town tomorrow. Quite a sad story. His fiancée died in a car accident five years ago. Because you’re not interested in men, and it seems he’s taking to bed anything with a pulse, I thought you two could meet.”
“And share stories of dead fiancés?” I deadpan. Why the heck would I take care of a lost manwhore?
“Not really. He’s coming because we need him for a job, but from what I’ve heard, he doesn’t drive anymore since his girl died. Guilt and some unresolved shit that I hope I can help him get through. Anyhow, I thought maybe you could be his driver. We’ll pay you, of course.”
“What does he do now, and where does he live to be able to live without driving?”
“New York. Where else can you live without a car? And he owns a bar there. But he’s a former SEAL and former consultant for us.”
“Will I be able to help him?”
“As soon as you pass the psych eval, maybe. You’ll have to wait for him anyway, wherever he goes and whatever he does. Sometimes it might just be to drive him to the office, other times maybe something more exciting.”
Mark is dangling a carrot in front of me, and I can’t resist. He knows it. I know it. And I let him win.
“Okay… When does this start?” I mumble still reluctantly for the sport of it. I won’t show Mark how excited I am to finally be considered for a job at Cole Security Forces for something other than answering the phone. Not an office job but something where I still have my freedom and make more money to pursue my hobbies. That’s a good deal.
“Come tomorrow first thing in the morning, and we’ll fill in some papers and speak with the psychologist. If he clears you, you can start the next day. I’m going to get Oliver settled and catch up with him on his first day. Haven’t seen him in five years.”
“Oh, Mark is missing his friend… That’s cute, Dixon.”
“Shut up, Murdock, or I’ll fire you even before you’re hired.”
“Yes, Boss.”
“Better. I’ll see you tomorrow, Tessa.”
“Mark?”
“Yes?”
“Thank Ashton for talking to you, and thank you for the opportunity.”
“No problem, Murdock. Whatever others think, you’re family, and we always take care of family.”
Hearing Mark say that almost brings tears into my eyes. Quickly, I ward off my tears and cough not to have my voice crack when I say goodbye.
Once home, I try to find any information about the guy Mark wants me to drive around.
More out of boredom than curiosity.
Or maybe I’m a little curious.
We all know each other pretty well around here, but I’ve never heard of someone losing his fiancée to a car accident. Checking the local newspaper, I find a small article—not much more than ten lines—on a car accident on the interstate, but no names were revealed.