"It's not Patrick."
"Then what?" I tug at his hoodie.
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?"
His shoulders fall. "I can't."
"You can't?" My fingers close around his wrist. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Luna, don't."
"Don't what? Call you an asshole? Tell you to fuck off? Ask where you get the nerve? You can't? Uh-uh. You can't leave me with such a weak explanation. We talked about this. We agreed. We knew it was fucked up and that we'd have to tell her eventually and we still agreed—"
"I'm sorry."
"No." I hold on to him as tightly as I can. "You don't leave with I'm sorry, I can't. You do better."
He says nothing.
"Oliver. At least look me in the eyes."
He turns to face me. Looks down at me with all this hurt in his eyes. "I wish things were different. I wish I was someone else. Not your best friend's brother. Not an alcoholic fuckup. Not someone unable to reconcile this. But—"
"Ollie, you're not—"
"I need to be someone who deserves you. And I'm not. It's just a matter of time until you figure it out. Why break Daisy's heart in the process?"
"But—"
"I'm sorry, Luna. Really." He slides his hand into his pocket. Takes a step backward.
"You think that matters?"
"No. But this is the best I can do."
I wait for him to explain, to expand, to realize he's being an idiot.
But he doesn't.
He leaves me there in the cold, dark side yard.
Alone with the hurt welling in my chest.
Chapter Forty-Five
Luna
"Luna?" Daisy's voice echoes against the stone wall. She whispers something to someone. Then her footsteps move closer. "Luna." She rushes to me. "What happened?"
I shake my head.
My best friend drops to the ground. Sits next to me. "Did someone—" Her voice drops off. That unthinkable tone. Did someone hurt you?
Not the way she means. I shake my head again.
"Talk to me." She turns to someone. A tall figure cast in shadow, standing at the edge of the backyard. "You're not hurt?"
"Only my heart." My laugh cracks. My throat is sore. Raw.
"You don't have to tell me what happened."
"Good."
"But you do have to move."
"No deal."
She half-smiles. "You're going to stay here all night?"
I nod.
"Aren't you cold?"
I motion to my flannel shirt.
"They're prepared for cold weather in Seattle."
"Exactly."
"I'm not." Daisy motions to her bare legs. "And I'm not going to leave you here."
"Okay."
"I'll have to ask Holden to bring a blanket."
I shake my head.
"How about we go home?"
"I can't go there."
She makes that hmm noise. It's different than Oliver's or Gabe's. But it carries the same implication. I see what's going on here, even if you don't want to admit it. "You can go to Holden's room."
I shake my head.
"The couch."
"Is everyone gone?"
She nods.
"It's not a problem?"
"Is Holden going to be upset I'm hanging out with you instead of fucking his brains out?"
"No. I don't care if he's upset."
She laughs.
"But… if you are…" Finally, I look at her. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"But I… I broke the girl code."
"I know."
"You do?"
She nods. "You always look at Oliver like you want to fuck him—"
"I do not."
She nods you do. "But yesterday… it was different. Like you knew what it was like to fuck him and needed it again."
"What does that look like?"
"You two dressed as each other's favorite musicians."
Fuck, it sounds obvious like that. But I didn't think…
I guess I didn't think.
He just… the way he smiles when I tease him about his love of Nirvana—
It's such a beautiful smile.
Even if he's an awful asshole for leaving me here.
"Holden has had this self—righteous look every time he glanced in Oliver's direction. I asked him about it. And he tried to lie, but… he's not as good at playing coy as he thinks." She offers me her hand. "Come on. Couch. Blanket. Dark chocolate. Coffee."
"Coffee?"
She nods. "Coffee."
I take her hand.
She pulls me up.
I follow her into the house.
It's night and day. No longer party central. Just a quiet remodeled bungalow with an empty couch and a huge TV and a few too many bottles on the counter.
Daisy sits me on the couch. Pulls a blanket over my lap. Whispers something to Holden. "He's going to make coffee."
"Oh no."
She laughs. Sits next to me. Rests her head on my shoulder.
Guilt wells in my chest. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry."
"Are you mad?"
"Not mad… just…"
"Disappointed?" I ask.
She doesn't say, but it's all over her face. "More in him. Especially with…" She motions to Holden.
"But in me too?"
"You could have told me, you know? You could have trusted me to act like an adult. To handle a surprise without breaking."
"I didn't think you'd break."
"Maybe, but I… I love you, Luna. You're my best friend. I'm not mad you slept with Oliver."
"Not at all?"
"No. It's kind of weird. But I can get over that… but you could have told me. I wish you had."
God, it's worse that she's not mad. That she's disappointed. "I'm sorry. It wasn't that it would hurt you. I just… didn't want things to change."
"Me either."
"But they… they already have."
"Yeah."
"It sucks."
"In some ways." She looks to Holden. "But in others…" She half-smiles. "You look more grown-up too."
"The hair?"
"And the clothes. And the makeup. And the way you sit tall."
"I always sit tall."
"Yeah, but you're sitting taller. There's something about you. Like you know how to handle everything the world throws at you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Or maybe it's just the hair." Her laugh is soft. "It is really fierce."
I blink back a tear. "I wish you'd seen it sooner."
"Me too." She rests her head on my shoulder. "I miss you all the time. I'll still miss you. Even if you keep sleeping with my brother, you'll always be my best friend."