"What if I kill him?"
"You can try. But I'm going to kill him first."
Chapter Forty-Six
Oliver
The buzz of my cell interrupts the grunge anthem bouncing around my room.
Holden: You're a fucking idiot.
No argument here.
Oliver: And?
Holden: Is this your idea of making things right?
Oliver: Do you have a point?
Holden: Do you love her?
Oliver: What does that matter?
Holden: Daisy already knows.
Fuck.
Holden: Yeah, dumping her best friend at a party she's attending… not the most subtle move.
Maybe.
Holden: Pretty fucking stupid. Even for you.
Oliver: Learned from the best.
Holden: I'm flipping you off.
Oliver: It's true.
Holden: Okay. I did this first. I'm a disloyal bastard. But now you're a disloyal bastard too. So we're on even ground.
Oliver: Yeah.
Holden: I risked fucking up Daisy's relationship with you. You risked fucking up her relationship with Luna.
Oliver: I get the point.
Holden: You're fucking stupid.
Oliver: I got that already.
Holden: Do you love her?
Oliver: Still don't see how that matters.
Holden: Yes or no?
Why does he want to know?
And what does it matter? This is what makes sense. No matter what anyone else thinks.
Oliver: This is what's best for her.
Holden: Because…
Oliver: Do I have to spell it out for you?
Holden: Yeah. You know I'm barely literate.
I don't want to chuckle, but I do.
Holden: Does it go. I-A-M-A-N-I-D-I-O-T?
Oliver: You got it.
Holden: What? Some bullshit about how you're a fuckup and she deserves better and whatever?
Oliver: Yeah.
Holden: You're probably right.
Oliver: Thanks.
Holden: But shouldn't that be her decision?
Whatever.
Oliver: Is she okay?
Holden: No. You dumped her in the backyard. And she sat there for like three hours. You're an asshole.
Oliver: But she's safe?
Holden: Staying here for the night.
Oliver: Oh.
Holden: Daisy's pissed at you.
Oliver: Really?
Holden: No. It's worse. She's disappointed.
That is worse.
Holden: Get the fuck over yourself, Oliver. I didn't tell you to pull this martyr bullshit. I said if you love her, go for it. You love her. So go for it.
Maybe it's good advice. I don't know.
It's too late.
And I'm too fucking tired.
I lay my cell on the bed. Close my eyes. Try to picture something besides the hurt on her face.
Fail entirety.
I sleep in fits. A few minutes here. Half an hour of listening for the door there.
I'm not sure what I want to hear. Silence. Daisy's light footsteps. Luna's steady ones. Her storming into my room to tell me I'm an asshole.
That she isn't taking my bullshit at face value.
That she isn't going to leave until I do better than I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
And I can't do better.
Holden's voice echoes through my head.
If it's something real…
Fuck you for hurting her.
Shouldn't that be her decision.
I pick up my cell. Check for any word from him. Or her. Or Daisy. Or anything.
Holden: She fell asleep on the couch. Looks peaceful. Like she's dreaming of kicking your ass. Did I mention that you're an idiot? And you need to fix this?
This is supposed to fix it.
To keep them from crumbling completely.
What is it they say? Cut off the arm to save the body? Some shit like that.
But maybe it's something else.
Maybe it's not that I want to hurt her less in the long run. Or save her and Daisy's friendship.
Daisy already knows.
And—
Maybe it's not about her.
Maybe it's about me.
A knock on the door interrupts me. That can't be her. Unless Holden fell asleep too. Unless she found his phone and sent false information to launch a stealth attack.
"Oliver." Dad knocks again. "Can we talk?"
Fuck, how did he get involved? I pinch my forearm. Will myself to wake up from this nightmare.
No good. I'm still sitting on my bed, my fan muffling the rest of the world but failing to cool me.
I'm hot all over. But it's not because I'm filled with thoughts of fucking Luna.
It's something else.
"Yeah." I pull on a t-shirt. Sit up straight.
Dad opens the door. Flips the light. He bends, picks up two mugs of coffee, holds them up like beacons of light.
Like father, like daughter. I guess she learned that from him.
"Is that a bribe?" I ask.
He half-smiles. "It's more that you look terrible."
"It's the middle of the night."
He nods even so. Moves into the room. Offers a cup to me.
"Thanks." I take it. Drink with greedy sips. It's not as good as the coffee I make, but it's strong and dark and hot.
He sits at the desk. Sips slowly. He's still in his pajamas. A t-shirt and long pants. No robe today. It's too hot up here. Or maybe he knows it makes him look like an old man.
He's not the most stylish guy, but he usually looks pretty good. He's a lot like me, really. Keeps it simple. A suit or part of one or jeans and a t-shirt.
Though that's rarer.
Seeing him casual. Open. With his guard down.
I haven't given him a reason to let his guard down in a long time. It's on me. But… it's on him too.
"Here to ask me to turn down the grunge?" I take another sip. Will the coffee to ease the knot in my stomach. It doesn't. That's not one of coffee's strong suits.
"I know better."
"And you like it."
"Where do you think you first heard it?" He raises a brow. "I was never as cool as you, Oliver, but I was with it once upon a time."
"Were you?"
He chuckles. "Went to all the local shows. Knew all the best artists. Had the prettiest girl on my arm."
"Was that what you loved about her?"
His eyes turn down. "I was young. It didn't hurt. But even then, fuck, you might not remember what your mother was like before she started using. She was a force of nature."
"A wildfire?"
He nods. "I thought of her as a hurricane. And all I wanted to do was dance in her storm. She was so vibrant and alive. I didn't know that was possible."
"Did you come here to reminisce?"
"Maybe." He folds his hands in his lap. "Luna reminds me of your mom. When she was that age."
"You're telling me I have an Oedipal complex?"
"You do want to kill me."
I can't deny that.
His eyes meet mine. He studies me for a moment. Considering something. Then he says the last thing I expect. "I owe you an apology, Oliver."
What? He owes me an apology?
That's a first.
"You're a lot like your mother," he says.
"A drunk?"
"A force of nature. A stiller one maybe. But just as stubborn and tough and strong."