Giddy.
I’m giddy, even though Dax and I have known each other all our lives.
Even though we’ve been dating for several weeks, it feels new yet comfortable. Exciting yet natural.
I brought my clothes for work, and as I get ready, I feel like I’m floating. Like one of Jacob’s flying vehicles in Fortnite.
I check in with my mom to make sure Jacob got up and dressed for school this morning, and when she confirms he did, I promise to see her soon and head to work.
“Are you engaged yet, or what?” Sidney asks the minute I walk through the door. “Because if he’s still putting that smile on your face after all this time, Dax needs to put a ring on it.”
I shake my head. “No ring, but it’s been going really well.” I drop my purse by my desk and pace the small space. “I mean, I feel like we’re in a romantic comedy. Just skipping around on clouds of hearts.”
“Oh my God, that’s the best news. The only other news, of course, is Rory and his new girlfriend who’s half his age moving in together, but I’m excited for you, nonetheless.” She giggles warmly.
“Thank you.” I exhale and fold my hands in front of me. “Did you get the pictures I sent you yesterday? Of the mom of five, who runs her own cooking channel on YouTube?”
“Yes, and I love them, especially the one of her holding up the whisk with her six-year-old next to her. He’s too cute with the flour on his nose.” She points to my computer. “I have a few thoughts on a couple shots too.”
We get down to business, all while I count down the hours until I see Dax again.
Thirty-Six
Dax
I’m still trying to contain my smile as I drive to the clinic. I have a full day ahead of me, and I can’t help but think about Clara in my bed, night after night.
Her hair shone in the sunlight this morning.
Her pink toes peeked out from under the covers when she turned around.
Her lazy smile.
Once I put my car in park and peer through the windshield toward the tall hospital building, I take a deep breath to calm my excited nerves.
I was Dax this morning with Clara, but once I enter those doors, I’m Dr. Pearson. No distractions. No excuses.
I enter the double doors and nod to the ladies at the front desk. Tinsley rounds the corner, and her face falls when she sees me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her, and it feels like everyone’s eyes are on me.
“You need to talk to Brooks.” Tinsley wraps her arms around her stomach.
I feel the blood drain from my face.
Immediately, I head down the hall that connects the clinic to the hospital and step onto the elevator. Once the doors open, I recognize the woman sniffling into a tissue.
“Rita, what’s going on?” I place my hand on her shoulder, and dread pools in my stomach.
“It’s… Ed,” she hiccups. “He had another—” I lose the rest of her sentence in her sobs.
My blood runs ice cold as Brooks comes into view, his jaw set and eyes tired. He sighs when he sees me and holds up his phone. “I was just calling you.”
“What happened?”
There’s another round of sobs from Rita, who lays her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and give her comfort as best I can. I’ve never been good at this part. Even knowing firsthand what bad news can do to people, I haven’t been able to give the comfort I know people wish for.
Because it hurts me too. Every patient who doesn’t make it rips a hole through my soul, but I do the best I can.
I’m here for a hug if they need it.
I’ll take the punches if they need me to.
The yelling, the sobs, I’ll let them do what they need.
But as I hold Rita, Brooks’s expression becomes even darker and sadder. This round of bad news will crush me.
Once Rita pulls back, a nurse leads her away to get coffee.
Brooks leads me toward his office and closes the door behind us. “Ed had another heart attack. In his sleep. Rita woke to his cries of pain and called an ambulance.”
“Where is he? Take me to him.”
“We rushed him to surgery. He went into cardiac arrest. There was nothing more we could do, Dax.” He runs his hand down his face, and he looks like he aged ten years just this morning.
He has bags under his eyes, and he frowns so hard his narrow chin has wrinkles.
He appears as defeated as I feel.
Backing away from him, I run my hands through my hair and tug on the ends, fighting with the ache in my stomach.
I’m going to be sick.
“I’m sorry, man. I know you two were close.”
I hold my hand up to ask him to stop. “It’s not your fault. You did all you could.”
“And so did you. I wish we could save them all,” he whispers.
I thank him, then leave and head to the clinic. I barely register the beeping elevator. Reaching my office. Sitting behind my desk.
Whether it’s day or night.
All I can focus on is the excruciating defeat on my chest and shoulders.
I’d normally bury myself in medical records and journals in order to get my mind off the cases that go south. Instead of getting started, though, I sit back and stare out the window.
After a moment, I slam my fist on the desk with anger.
There’s a soft knock on the door, and I jump out of my seat. “Come in,” I rasp.
Rita comes in with a watery smile. “I just wanted to thank you for all you did for my Ed.”
I round my desk and stand in front of her. “I just wish I could’ve done more.”
She shakes her head, her eyes dark. “Ed lived a full life. Had a family who loved him. He made us all happy, even when he complained about the damn slots eating up all his change.” She exhales with a laugh, but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.
“I’m very sorry for your loss,” I manage. “Ed was a good man.”
She studies me like she’s searching for something, and I don’t know what it is. I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew why medicine sometimes failed us. Why some people receive miracles, but others don’t.
“He spoke highly of you,” she says. “He saw several doctors but never went back to any until you.”
Yet, he still died.
I grind my teeth. “I appreciate your kind words.” But they won’t take away the failure. The loss.
She squeezes my hands, and with tears in her eyes, she leaves. I’m left alone with only my devastating thoughts.
I peer outside, the sun fully up and shining. An otherwise beautiful day, but my whole body aches. It hurts for Rita and their family.
And as badly as I want to go home and sit back with a beer—a Bud Lite, Ed’s favorite—I have a job to do. I have a full day of patients who need me.
I can’t let them down.
It’s close to ten when I finally pack up to leave the clinic.
Brooks and Staci are in the parking lot when I reach my truck. They stop bickering when I approach.
Staci crosses her arms. “You’re late tonight.”
“Decided to get a jumpstart on tomorrow.” I give them a tight-lipped smile, my voice dry.
No matter how badly I try to leave Dr. Pearson inside the walls of the clinic, days like today make it damn near impossible.