“What about us? Are you dedicated to us?”
“Of course, I am.” I run my hands through my hair and pace. I’m exhausted, and my feet are heavy. My brain is fuzzy, and I know I shouldn’t be having this conversation with her like this.
I can’t fucking think straight.
“This is really why you never committed to any relationship. It wasn’t because of me. It was your job.”
“Don’t.” I rub my eyes.
“Don’t what? Speak the truth? Because it is true, right?”
“Don’t use my job against me. You of all people know what I went through to get here, and you know how hard I’ll work to keep it.”
I brush past her, fuming.
It’s misplaced. I’m not mad at her. I get that she needs me, but days like yesterday, losing a patient, it always weighs heavily on my chest like I’m crushed under a boulder. I can’t easily explain it.
I don’t want to run from her, but I need space before I completely lose it and say something I regret.
I need to leave before she says something she regrets.
Thirty-Nine
Clara
I might say something I’ll regret, but I follow him to the living room, anyway.
He can’t run away from this. I won’t let him.
The way he walked in here tonight broke my heart. He’s burdened. Haunted. And when he told me a patient of his died, I knew that was why.
“I don’t know how to navigate this with you.” I lick my lips, trying to make sense of the jumbled thoughts in my head. Trying to go easy on him because I know he’s hurting, but we need to talk about this. “I’ve always known you were busy, and I’m not trying to make you choose between your career and us. But, Dax, we need you too.”
“I’m going home. Let’s sleep on it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Don’t walk away from me.”
“What do you want me to say? That I’ll drop a case to go to brunch with you? That I’ll ignore my phone when patients need me? What do you want from me?” His chest rises and falls rapidly as he opens and closes his fists, the veins popping in his forearms the longer he does this like he’s getting ready to draw blood.
“That’s not what I’m saying, and you know it.”
“It sure sounds like that’s what you’re saying.”
I take a deep breath to try to calm my voice. “You’re right. You should go. Get some space. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
He pauses, intensity radiating off him in waves.
Without another word, he opens the door and leaves me standing with my heart in my hands, wondering if he’ll come back to stitch it up like he did little Ms. Rainbow.
“What do I do?” I switch the phone to my other hand. “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“Maybe not, but you know Dax,” Willow says. “He’s tightly wound, and normally, he’s good about keeping his work and personal lives separate. But sometimes, it’s too much. One seeps into the other, and usually, he brings his work into his personal life. Never the other way around.”
I gulp as Willow’s voice fades.
“I don’t have the answer, but just be there for him as best you can. He needs you. You’ve always only ever been the one to keep him sane.”
“No pressure.” I exhale with a slight laugh.
“Talk to him.”
“I will.”
“And, Clara, be gentle. He might act all big and bad, but underneath, he’s always hurting. You’ve eased some of that since you two got together. He’s actually happy, despite what depression his job might bring. But he still has his days when the hurt wins.”
“You’re right.”
“Damn straight.” The line grows quiet, and then she sighs. “I’ll say one last thing and then butt out. You mean a lot to him, and I know you love him. Just think about where you see yourself in five or ten years. If my brother’s in the picture, go to him. Make this work. But if it’s too hard—if you don’t like his schedule and the stress—leave before he gets hurt even worse. Promise me.”
“I promise,” I rasp.
“Call me anytime, honey.”
After I hang up, I consider the weight of her words and my promise, and she’s right. I either need to accept this part of Dax’s life and hope Jacob understands as well, or I need to end this.
I nod like someone else is in the car, then hang up.
The thought of breaking things off with Dax makes me want to vomit.
But am I strong enough to live like this? To talk him through his outbursts? To go hours, sometimes days, without speaking to or seeing him? What about Jacob?
How will we be a real family?
We haven’t had the family dynamic I’ve wanted for a long time, but with Dax, we are a family.
But last night is making me question our future for the first time since we got together.
I sigh, hopping out of my car, ready to head up to the offices of Modern Family. Before I reach the front door, I decide to change direction and walk down the street for a coffee. I need the extra caffeine boost today. My worries kept me up all night.
I saw Jacob’s disappointment every time I closed my eyes.
Dax’s tormented expression.
Our fight echoed in my head.
I walk down to the coffee shop, inhaling the fresh air, and pull my coat tighter around me as the cold wind swoops by.
Once I open the door to the Better Buzz, I’m immediately assaulted with heat and the smell of brewing coffee beans and fresh baked goods.
The lights are dim.
The chatter offers peaceful background noise.
It’s oddly settling and cozy.
I wave to a few parents whom I recognize from Jacob’s school, then order my coffee.
My thoughts and questions swirl in my head as I wait. I sift through every angle, every scenario, to decide what I’m going to do.
One picture in particular comes to mind—Dax and Jacob. Dax has always been good with Jacob, but here lately, I’ve seen more to their bond. It’s special, and they really care about each other.
Dax thinks of Jacob as his own. I can tell in the way he talks with him. He watches Jacob like Sidney watches Luke—with pride and love.
My stomach flutters just as my name is called. Coffee in hand, I put my sunglasses on and walk out of the Better Buzz. My coffee warms one hand, and I stuff the other in my pocket. I should’ve remembered gloves this morning, but I was in such a fog and eager to call Willow that I forgot the temperature had dramatically dropped overnight.
“Clara? Clara Morgan?” A woman stands from her table and wraps her arms around me, but I freeze. She seems familiar, but I can’t place her.
“Yes. H-Hi,” I stutter. My voice is muffled by her hair. So much hair.
Wait… I know this hair. I’ve been envious of its volume and natural hazelnut color before.
She pulls back but holds my free hand.
“Oh my God, Dani.” I shake my head, my vision suddenly becoming clear. Dax showed me a lot of pictures of her, but it’s been a while. “How are you?”
“I’m great. Living in Riverville now. I opened another location for my salon.” She smiles widely, and I’m almost glad I’m wearing sunglasses to shield me from her bright teeth. She could be a model, with her perfect hair and grin.