I don’t think I could say no even if I wanted to. “Yeah?”
“Before the Adderall, how often did you think about your weight and food?”
I try to calm my shaking hands, but it’s no use. “A lot.”
She scribbles something else down in her notepad. “Weekly? Daily? Multiple times a day?”
“At least once every hour,” I admit.
Nodding, she smiles sympathetically. “Eating disorders aren’t always anorexia or bulimia, Sawyer. And to be frank? It sounds like you have some major issues with not only food, but how you view yourself.”
She’s not wrong.
I blow out a ragged breath. “Yeah…you may have a point there.”
She places her pen and pad down. “I have to ask you another very serious question.”
“Okay.”
“If I told you—after you’re discharged, of course—that I wanted you to come to my inpatient eating disorder clinic for three weeks…and then meet with me for weekly sessions after. What would you say?”
I’d say—holy shit…that’s a lot to take in.
“I’d say I’m nervous,” I settle on, before it occurs to me. “I’d also say I have graduation coming up and—”
“We can have your school send your assignments to the clinic so you won’t fall behind.” She folds her hands in her lap. “But the thing is…this won’t work and I can’t help you if you don’t want it. You have to want it.”
Tears prickle the back of my throat. “I know I want to feel better about myself. I know I don’t want to go back to using Adderall to lose weight.”
“That’s a good place to start.” Looking at her watch, she says, “What do you know, I have the next hour free. Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?”
Part of me wants to run away from confronting these issues because it’s scary as hell.
However, the biggest part of me, the one beating in my chest—the one that almost died because I never felt good enough—wants to get better for myself.
And for the people I love.
Chapter 96
Sawyer
I’m about to stand up and get some walking in, because despite how sore I am, these dang nurses keep insisting I move around, when there’s a soft knock on the door.
“I can come back if you’re busy,” Bianca says.
She looks like she’s about to make a dash for it, but I halt her. “No, come in.”
She takes a few timid steps inside. “I just came because I wanted to make sure you were okay. I would have come sooner, but I figured I’d give you a few days to adjust and—”
I stop her because she’s starting to ramble. “I’m glad you’re here.”
She fidgets, looking so uncomfortable I have to stifle a laugh. “I’m sorry about all those mean things I said. I didn’t…I just wanted to help you get back at those bitches. I didn’t mean to…I didn’t think—”
“It’s okay.”
I know deep down—way deep down—Bianca meant well.
“I…um. I hope we can still be friends. I understand if you don’t want that.” Her eyes become glassy. “But, I uh…I don’t really have a lot of people I trust—”
“Of course we’re still friends,” I assure her.
This girl is out of her mind, but I know there’s a huge heart underneath all her bravado.
Her face lights up. “Really?”
I’m about to answer, but before I can blink, she puts her arms around me…sort of.
It’s the most awkward hug I’ve ever experienced in my life, but something tells me Bianca doesn’t do it a lot—or ever—so I’m okay with it.
This is a big step for her.
“I’m so glad you didn’t croak. It means I still have time to talk you into getting side bangs.”
And there she is.
A sigh escapes me. “Yes, yes, you do.”
We break apart and she ambles to the door.
“Oh, before I forget. Do you remember when I called you a five?”
“Yeah.”
She averts her gaze. “Yeah, well…I was a fucking idiot.” Those brown orbs find mine. “Truth is…you’re really a ten, Church girl.”
My mouth drops open in mock-shock. “Wow, a ten?”
“Well, a nine point eight.” She winks. “You’ll be a solid ten after those side bangs.”
Cole’s brows furrow. “Need anything?”
“I’m actually kind of…hungry.”
I’ve been snacking on hospital food for the last six days, but I’m so over it.
My appetite is back with a vengeance and this girl needs some real food.
He smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I bet. The food here sucks. Want anything in particular?”
“I’ll take whatever. As long as it’s not oatmeal or soup.”
“You got it.” Dipping his head, he gives me a quick kiss. “Be back in a bit.”
God, I love him so much, sometimes I feel like I could burst right open like a piñata at a kid’s party.
Settling back against the bed, I reach for the remote.
I’m about to turn on some reality TV to pass the time when there’s a knock on my door.
Oakley.
I was hoping he’d come visit me.
I’ve wanted to make things right with him so badly, but I didn’t want to do it over the phone.
He deserves a face-to-face apology.
I quickly sit up. “Hey.”
His expression is so somber my heart falls.
“What’s wron—”
I don’t even get the words out before he’s wrapping his arms around me so tightly, I can barely breathe.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer.”
I have no idea what he’s talking about. If anyone needs to apologize, it’s me.
When I pull back to look at him, there are tears in his eyes.
It breaks my fucking heart.
“For what, Oak? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I never should have gotten you the pills. You almost died because of me.”
Humble pie for one, please. “No. I almost died because of me. You only got me Adderall because I asked you to.” I frame his face with my hands. “I’m the one who’s sorry. The manipulation…the awful things I said. I didn’t mean any of it.” Now I’m the one who’s crying. “Not a damn word. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. I’m so sorry I hur—”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Cole growls.
I snap my gaze to the door. “Whoa. What’s your problem?”
Cole slams the bag he’s carrying on my tray table. “I don’t want him anywhere near you.”
Yeah, something is definitely wrong.
Oakley’s about to leave, but I tug on his arm. “No. You stay.” He looks like he wants to protest, but I don’t let him. “Please.”
Anger flashes across Cole’s face. “Oakley’s the reason you almost ended up in a coffin and you want him to stay? What the fuck, Sawyer?”