Because without her…there is no me.
Chapter 93
Cole
It’s eerily quiet in the small chapel.
Looking around, I realize it’s completely empty.
Must be a sign.
The doctor asked to speak to Sawyer’s parents privately a little while ago. I’m hoping it’s because they have some good news.
But just to make sure…I’m here.
“Let’s get one thing straight,” I tell the large cross on the altar. “I don’t believe in you…but she does.”
And I believe in her.
“Unfortunately, she can’t be here, because she’s not doing too well at the moment.” I kneel down in front of the altar. “Bottom line…I need you to fix her.”
I need her back.
“Unlike me, she’s a really good person. She’s caring and compassionate. She’s—” Emotion clogs my throat, so I clear it and try again. “She’s everything I’m not in all the best ways.” My vision goes hazy and I hold out my arm, bracing myself against a pew. “Here’s the thing…I promised my girl forever and always, and there’s no way I can give that to her if she’s not here. Therefore, I need you to do the right thing and fix her. Not because I deserve it…but because she does.”
On shaky legs, I stand, pure rage mixed with panic now flowing through my veins. “Don’t you take her from me, motherfucker. You took my mom and Liam…but I will not let you take her. I will fight you tooth and fucking nail.” I glare at the cross. “Each and every one of them. Do you hear me?”
Blowing out a breath, I shove my hands into my pockets. “Glad we reached an understanding.”
I turn to walk away…and find Mr. Church standing there.
I expect him to start yelling at me, but he doesn’t.
With a heavy breath, he starts walking down the aisle. “I haven’t stepped foot inside a church in over two years.”
“Why?”
He walks to a pew in the middle row and takes a seat. “Let’s just say God and I had a little disagreement about something.” He looks up at the cross. “I wish I had forgiven him sooner…maybe then I wouldn’t be here begging for his forgiveness now.” Sad eyes turn to me and he pats the space next to him. “Come have a seat, Cole.”
I don’t like the feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach. “Why?”
“I know you want to fight everything in the world right now. I get it. But I really need you to sit down, son.”
Begrudgingly, I do.
I look at him the second my ass hits the wood. “What did the doctor say?”
He visibly swallows. “What I’m about to tell you is the hardest thing…” My throat knots up when he grips the pew in front of him. “She fought so hard…but she…”
The room starts spinning. “Why are you talking about her in the past tense?”
“The doctor…a whole team of them actually…they don’t think she’s coming back.”
Then they don’t know my girl.
“They’re idiots—” I start to say, but he cuts me off.
“It’s been seven days, Cole. If she was going to make it…she’d be giving us signs by now.” A guttural sound leaves him. “Jolene and I…we don’t want her to be in any more pain.”
No. This can’t be happening.
I stand up. “Fuck you.”
“I know you’re angry—”
I’m so beyond angry they haven’t invented the word for it.
“She’s your daughter. How could you just—”
“I am doing what is best for her.” He rises from his seat, tears welling in his eyes. “I was there when that special girl came into this world. The moment she took her first breath. I never planned on being there for her last.” He places both hands on the pew, his body heaving with sobs. “But it’s not up to me anymore.”
He’s wrong. “Yes, it is. You don’t have to—”
“I will not make her keep fighting when it’s clear she’s had enough. I won’t put my baby girl through that.” He bangs on his chest. “Trust me, it’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life.”
“Then don’t make it.”
Don’t take her from me.
“I don’t want her to suffer any longer. If God wants her home…it’s out of my hands.”
The tone of his voice makes it clear it’s his final decision.
“Fuck your God.”
I feel like my chest is made out of glass and he just took a sledgehammer to it.
I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating.
No…not suffocating. Breaking. Bit by bit. Piece by fucked up piece.
“They’re removing the ventilator and shutting off the machines within the next hour or so. You can be there if you want, but I understand if you can’t.”
Everything passes in a whirl as I trudge up to the waiting room.
Given everyone’s eyes are puffy and glassy…I take it Jolene told them all the news.
Expression full of sorrow, Jace walks over and wraps his arms around me. “I’m so fucking sorry, Cole.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a priest with a bible in his hand talking to Sawyer’s grandfather and uncle.
The very same priest who presided over mom and Liam’s funeral.
No.
Pushing Jace out of the way, I march over to Sawyer’s goldfish tank of a hospital room and bang my fist against the glass. “You fucking promised.”
My voice is so thick with tears they’re the only words I can get out.
She made me promise not to leave her…and I made her promise not to ever give up on me.
But only one of us is breaking theirs.
Wherever she goes…I go too.
Because without her there is no me.
Chapter 94
Cole
I’m running as fast as I can, but not enough to outrun the pain pummeling me.
I’m dizzy and nauseous as I swing open the front door to my house and fly up the staircase.
If by some crazy chance Heaven does exist, I know that’s where Sawyer will be.
I can’t say the same about myself…but it doesn’t matter.
Living in a world without Sawyer isn’t an option for me. In fact, it’s my very definition of Hell.
And what I’m about to do? Well, that’s just my karma.
I grab the rope from under Liam’s bed.
I found it a few weeks after he was gone…turns out he took it from the garage. Almost like he’d been planning it for some time.
The broken thing in my chest feels like it’s going to explode as I open the closet door.
My mother used to tell us the most profound love stories were also the most tragic.
Me and Sawyer’s love story is no different.
But as pissed as I am that our time together was so short…I am so fucking grateful I had the chance to love her at all.
I only wish she loved herself enough.