I nodded. "I'm not sure how many stayed down the last month or so, though. The morning sickness was more like all-day sickness and I had trouble eating."
"That happens more often than people realize. How's the nausea now?" she asked.
"A lot better. I'm still queasy in the mornings but I usually feel fine once I have some toast and tea."
"Are you limiting your caffeine intake?" she asked.
I sighed and nodded. "Yes. Believe me, everyone in the family is keeping a close eye on how much caffeine I consume." I shot J.J. the side-eye. "My brothers and this one tried to talk me into giving it up completely, which I will do if it's necessary, but everything I've read indicates that a small amount of caffeine a day is okay for the...the baby."
I still wasn't used to saying those words. The baby. As if he or she were real. You'd think after all the throwing up I'd done over the past month or so that it would seem real already, but it didn't.
Dr. Stubens nodded and gave J.J. a reproving look. "A cup of tea or even one cup of coffee per day should be fine. Once I give her a more thorough examination today, I should have a better idea if she needs to avoid it."
J.J.'s fingers squeezed mine gently and I glanced up at him. He wasn't looking at me but he was smiling slightly.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Oh, zip it," she groused. "Now, you're actively trying to make me feel old. Okay, Lee, lie back and assume the position."
I swallowed hard and leaned back on the table.
"Do you want me to leave the room?" J.J. asked me.
As I was shaking my head, Dr. Stubens said, "That won't be necessary. Stay right up there by Lee and hold her hand."
I scooted and wiggled until my butt was on the edge of the table and I put my feet in the stirrups that Dr. Stubens folded out.
"That looks uncomfortable," J.J. whispered to me.
"It's not exactly pleasant but it's not horrible either," I replied.
"And you'd better get used to it because you'll be in this position a lot over the next few months and for a couple of months after," Dr. Stubens muttered from the end of the table.
I had to laugh. She was right. I would be examined a lot over the next six to seven months.
After a thankfully quick exam, which J.J. didn't see much of due to the blanket over my upper thighs, Dr. Stubens scooted back on her rolling stool and went over to the sink.
"Help her sit up, J.J.," she commanded as she stripped off her latex gloves and began washing her hands.
When she was done, she faced us. "Everything appears to be developing well based on the exam but I would like to do an ultrasound today just to be sure. It will also give us a more definite due date. While we're in the ultrasound room, I'll also use the Doppler so you can hear the baby's heartbeat."
"You can hear it this early?" J.J. asked.
Dr. Stubens nodded. "Would you like to hear it?"
His smile was answer enough.
A few minutes later, we were in a dim room, surrounded by machines and screens.
Dr. Stubens was standing over me with a small box in her hand. A cord was attached to the box and there was a narrow contraption on the end of it that she was holding against my lower belly. Though she'd pulled my gown up, she carefully draped the blanket over my lower half.
I struggled not to make a face as she moved the little attachment against my skin, which she'd smeared with gel. The slimy feel of the gel was off-putting.
"Okay, here we go," she murmured.
The machine made a few weird noises, loud enough to make me jump, before a fast whooshing noise came out of the speaker. J.J. stood next to the table, his eyes glued to where the machine touched my skin.
"There you go. That's the baby's heart." Dr. Stubens smiled. "It's a quick one." She leaned toward me and said conspiratorially, "That usually means it's a girl, but don't take that as golden, okay?"
I nodded and bit my lip, tears forming in my eyes. Dr. Stubens seemed to take that as a reply and looked toward J.J.
"Wow," J.J. murmured.
I looked up at him when he spoke. He sounded awed, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"That's amazing," he continued. His hand found mine and squeezed before he looked from my belly to my face. "That's our baby."
The amazement in his eyes was what did it. His excitement and joy in hearing our child's heartbeat was obvious. I'd been fighting him every step of the way, struggling to keep a part of myself separate, just to prevent this moment.
The walls I'd built around my heart years ago crumbled and opened. I was in love with him and I'd done my best to convince him that our marriage was merely a formality and wouldn't last.
I had no clue what I needed to do next.
"Okay," Dr. Stubens said. "Let's just turn this off and get you cleaned up and then you can see the baby!"
J.J. released my hand and sat in the chair a few feet away, looking shell-shocked.
As the doctor cleaned the gel off my belly, she leaned over me. "That actually happens a lot. It's doesn't seem real until you can hear it or see it, does it?"
I shook my head at her, trying to be discreet as I wiped a couple of stray tears from my cheeks. She smiled at me and patted my shoulder. "Just take it as it comes, Lee. It will be okay."
She finished cleaning me up, pulled down my gown, and moved to the end of the bed where she sat on a rolling stool.
"Okay, boys and girls, let's get a look at this baby."
Dr. Stubens pulled out something she called a wand. My eyes got big when I saw how long it was and she smiled.
"Don't worry, Lee. It's not as scary as it looks and it doesn't hurt. I promise."
J.J.'s eyes were just as big as mine when I looked up at him. I bent my arm at the elbow and held my hand up to him. He stood from his seat and took it, still looking a little shaky.
"Now I really feel the need to apologize," he whispered.
I giggled but the sound was cut short by Dr. Stubens turning back toward us.
"At this stage, I could probably get a picture of the baby with an external ultrasound, but I prefer certainty, so we're going to take pictures and measurements internally today. Starting with your next visit, your ultrasounds will likely be external only. I say likely because I can't predict the future or possible issues you might have." She exhaled and smiled at us both. "That doesn't mean I foresee problems. Mom is young and healthy and Dad is, too. Now, are you ready to see the baby?"
We both nodded and Dr. Stubens helped me put my feet in the stirrups again but I was grateful that this time I didn't have to scoot down until most of my butt was hanging off the table.
"Okay, I'm inserting the wand now," she said.
I inhaled and exhaled, slow and easy, but as she'd promised, it wasn't painful or even uncomfortable. Just strange.
In a few seconds, I completely forgot about the peculiar feeling because she turned the screen more toward us and pointed to it.
I'd seen a few ultrasound picture examples online when doing my research on pregnancy, but this was different.
This was my baby. J.J.'s hand tightened on mine and I looked up. No, our baby.