Dr. Stubens was speaking but my brain had difficulty comprehending what she was saying. Something about pictures for us to take home.
What caught my attention was her voice when she said, "Well, I believe your calculations were correct, Lee. You're measuring right at twelve weeks. You've made it through your first trimester, which is wonderful." She hit a few keys on the keyboard and a strip of black and white images printed out from underneath. "Now, I'll let you get cleaned up and I have a bag full of pamphlets and information for you to take home and read. I'll go over a bit of it with you, but as I recall you are excellent at research and fully capable of going through the material on your own."
I nodded, numb and still coming to terms with the fact that the image on the screen, the little blob of stubby arms and legs and an obvious head, was my baby.
"Next time you come, we should be able to tell the sex of the baby!" Dr. Stubens exclaimed. "Please tell me you want to know," she said.
J.J. looked at me. "What do you think?" he asked. Then, he grinned. "Never mind. You like to plan and make lists, so I'm pretty sure you'll want to know."
I nodded and realized I'd barely spoken since we came in here. "Yes, I want to know," I said to him.
"Wonderful!" Dr. Stubens exclaimed. "Well, here's a towel to clean up with. Once you get back to the room, go ahead and get dressed and come into my office, okay? We'll go over everything there."
With that, she left me alone with J.J. in that dim room.
"You okay?" he asked when the door shut behind her. "That was the first time you've spoken since we came into this room."
I started to nod but licked my lips. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just...trying to get my head on straight."
"I know what you mean," he said.
I sat up and glanced at the towel, then at him.
"Oh, uh, yeah. I'll turn my back, okay?"
I nodded and as soon as his back was turned, used the towel to wipe my belly one more time and then between my legs. I remembered seeing baby wipes on the wooden bench in the changing area of the exam room and suddenly understood what they were for.
I balled the towel up and got to my feet. "Done. There's baby wipes in the changing area, so I'll finish cleaning up when I dress."
J.J. opened the door for me and did the same when we reached the changing room. "I'm going to the restroom while you get dressed," he said. "I'll wait out here until you're done."
I nodded and went inside the room, shutting the door behind me. Once I was safely ensconced in the changing area, I sat on the wooden bench and exhaled hard.
I wasn't sure what to think about first—the fact that I was having a baby, one I was beginning to love and want more than I ever thought possible, or the realization that I was in love with my husband.
A husband I hadn't wanted or expected.
The only thing I knew with certainty was that I had no clue what to do next.
There was no plan for this. No list I could make to help me get through it.
Loving J.J. just was. There was no controlling it or managing it. I had to figure this out as I went along.
Which meant that I was probably going to mess it up.
16
It turned out that being in love with J.J. was a lot easier than I expected.
Mostly because he made it that way.
As our first week together slid into two, then three, I realized he wasn't putting on an act or trying to get on my good side.
J.J. had always been one of the best boys my brothers had brought home when we were young, and it seemed that he was one of the best men I knew now that we were adults.
Not that he was perfect. Lord, the man was far from it.
He left his shoes in the strangest places. Sometimes he would kick them off in random spots in the house. Once even my bedroom when he'd come in looking for me.
I'd learned to pay attention to where I was walking because I often tripped over them if I wasn't.
Then there was the fact that he had to have the remote for the TV in his hand at all times. Even when he asked me to choose what we were going to watch next. The remote didn't leave his hand, he would just scroll through the menu until I saw something I liked the look of.
You also couldn't argue with the man. He was reasonable all the time. And mule stubborn. That was how we ended up having our first semi-fight.
It was a semi-fight rather than an actual fight because he refused to argue with me.
One afternoon, J.J. came home early from work with a strange expression on his face.
I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating a snack and studying for an upcoming test. Okay, so it was still a few weeks away, but if I started studying now then I wouldn't have to cram later.
"Hey," I said when he came in. "You're home early. Everything okay?"
True to form, he kicked his shoes off right inside the door. I gave them a pointed glance, which made him laugh, and he used his toe to nudge them against the wall and out of the way.
As he set his laptop and lunch bags on one of the chairs, he answered me, "Yeah, everything's okay. But I just realized something—I need access to the bills so I can pay them."
I frowned at him. "I have them on auto-pay," I replied. "You don't have to worry about them being late or anything."
"That's not what I mean," he said with a sigh. "I'm living here, eating food, using electricity, water, Wi-Fi, etc. and I need to contribute to that. There's also the fact that I'm established in my job and making more money. You should be saving your money to finish grad school and invest in your future."
I put the apple slice in my hand down and studied him. "I'm fine with you paying half the bills, but there aren't that many and they're not a lot of money."
"Lee, I need to at least pay the utilities, taxes, and for the groceries. If you want to continue to pay for your cell phone and car payment, that's fine, but I know you want to finish grad school and doing that with a baby is going to be hard enough. If I take over some of the bills, you can drop some of your cleaning clients and focus on school and making sure you're getting enough rest."
I stared at him, my mouth opening and closing as I tried to process everything he just said without my head exploding.
Finally, I said, "If I want to continue to pay for my cell phone and car, that's fine?" I asked.
I'd thought that my brothers were the only ones who could make me lose my temper, but I was wrong. I was dangerously close to losing my cool after just a few minutes of conversation with J.J.
He didn't seem to realize that he'd stuck his foot right in the middle of a pile of manure with that statement. "Yes."
"First, I don't have a car payment. Second, I do pay insurance on it and I will continue to do so. Third, what do you mean, 'drop some of my cleaning jobs?'"
J.J. stared at me in consternation. "Lee, I'm not trying to tell you what to do."
I raised my eyebrows at him, and he exhaled.
"I'm not, I promise. I'm trying to help. You're pregnant and you won't be able to continue hard physical labor for much longer."
"And who's going to clean our house?" I pointed out. "Pregnant women have been cleaning their own homes for centuries now."