I grin and leaning down, I whisper the words to her again, each of them punctuated by a soft kiss. “So. Fucking. Sexy.”
“God, Caleb,” she murmurs, her arms tightening around me as she pulls me closer, our bodies fusing together as we both push aside all the things running through our heads, all the things we don’t want to talk about tonight and instead get lost in each other.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ruby
Being with Caleb feels like home, like nothing bad can ever happen to us. If we just stay here in bed, wrapped up in each other, maybe time will heal all of Caleb’s wounds.
“Ruby,” Caleb murmurs, my name a desperate plea, a cry to soothe him, to be closer to me. “You’re everything to me.”
I take in what he says, basking in his words as he pushes inside me, slow and deliberate. The day’s events melt away, forgetting all the awfulness that somehow seems to plague the relationship we’ve started. Keeping secrets is not ideal, but in the end, keeping this from Caleb isn’t about trying to hurt him.
It’s about helping him move on, not falling victim to ideas and thoughts that may never amount to anything. No good can come of indulging his fears and we both realize that.
I pull him closer, consumed in him, wanting to be more exposed and open, I push him back, my hands resting on his chest. He needs to feel how much I need him, how much we need each other. This isn’t just about him, but about me too and the way my life has changed since he came into it. I feel like I have someone who understands me, someone who will be here through all the good and bad things that happen in my life.
I’ve never felt like I belonged to someone like the way I feel with Caleb. All my life I never realized I would suddenly find that a piece of my life was missing and I would find it in a guy. My connection to Caleb is intense and all-consuming, but I don’t care. I want our attachment to swallow me, to drown me, to consume me.
Caleb falls onto his back and I straddle his hips, looking down at him, my lips swollen and every nerve in my body on fire. I shift so he’s inside me again, both of us moaning out loud, my head falling back as I enjoy the moment. I never want this closeness to end.
“Start moving, Ruby,” Caleb whispers, his hands gripping my hips, the warmth of his fingers searing my skin. And do I as he says, moving up and down slowly, riding him as his eyes focus on mine, watching me, watching my body move above him.
The way his eyes trail over every inch of my skin sets me on fire and the sheen of sweat that now graces his chest has me moving faster, building to our ending.
“Caleb, I…” I start to say, wanting to tell him I love him, but something about it feels scary, like I’m making things move too quickly, even though we can both feel what is happening between us.
We move even faster, Caleb’s hips now pushing up to meet mine. The sound of our labored breathing and soft moans filling the room, and then we’re both coming, groaning in pleasure.
The air between us is calm, the room dark and even though our breathing is still coming hard and fast, there’s a sated feeling of exhaustion and peacefulness.
While he’s still inside me, my hand trails over his chest, resting against his heart and I feel the quickened pace of it beating. Without words, the love between us swells, growing until the emotions pass between us without saying the words.
“I’m going to sleep well tonight,” Caleb says, breaking the silence as he pulls me toward him, kissing me softly, his lips lingering against mine.
That’s all I want for him. I want him to sleep soundly, to find his peace and if that’s within me, and what I can do for him, then we’ll do this every night.
“So will I,” I whisper back, my lips brushing his as I smile against his mouth. “I don’t care if we never keep normal hours and if I wait up for you and we have sex every night at midnight as long you’re next to me when we fall asleep.”
“I’ll always be here, Ruby. You’re my everything.”
I wake several hours later to the sound of movement, the sound of feet walking through the house. The floor creaks in spots in the kitchen and while the house is old and during the night it tends to make noise, what I heard was definitely not that.
I roll over and find Caleb’s spot empty and my heart instantly drops into my stomach and recovers seconds later, pounding hard and fast in my chest.
I hate when he wakes in the night and leaves our bed. It’s a sign he’s stressed and can’t find the words to share it with me. He’s still learning to cope and when sleep won’t come, he either tosses and turns, worrying he’ll wake me, or he leaves the bed.
But leaving never leads to sleeping. I’ll find him on the couch, the TV playing at a low volume while he stares at it, almost unaware it’s even on.
These are the times I worry about him the most because without some sleep, even just a little, his rational side tends to wane. These are the times I try to intervene and get him to talk to me, and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s my desperate attempt to talk him off the ledge.
He’s never taken it so far that I fear for his safety, but there have been a number of days where he can’t function normally. He struggles to get out of bed, to keep normal hours, and I know his job doesn’t help with that, but it’s something he needs. He needs the structure and stability, so if he’s still in bed when I get home from class, I make him go running with me or at least get outside.
There’s something about tonight that feels different than the other times I’ve found him on the couch. There’s a panic that seizes my chest, tightening painfully, predicting an outcome that has my heart pounding.
The house is dark when I quietly walk out of the bedroom and down the short hallway, through the living room and into the kitchen. The only light glows dimly from under the cabinets, something we started leaving on since Caleb moved in.
The back door to the house is open and back porch light is on, and for a split second I consider running to get Reid. But everything about that feels wrong, like I’m tattling on Caleb, like I don’t trust that he might just need a second to himself.
Despite the racing of my heart and the sweat that has now begun to dot my forehead, I walk toward the back door in the hopes of finding Caleb in the alleyway.
I’d be lying if my thoughts weren’t suddenly consumed with that silver Audi from this morning. My hands grow clammy and my breathing is shaky. In my brain is that car, and I’ve created what the person behind the wheel looks like. Something I pieced together from Reid and my conversation and have now decided has to be the reality of the situation.
Caleb isn’t safe out here and I find myself practically running out into the alley and when I call out his name, my voice is shrill and unnaturally loud in the stillness of the night. When he doesn’t answer, I find myself gasping for air, a whine leaving my mouth uncontrollably.
“Caleb!” I call out, my words loud and echoing and there’s no way Reid, Sienna or neighbors can’t hear me by now. I’m now running past the small garage at the edge of the alley, my legs shaky and my heart racing.
“Ruby?” he finally calls back, my name a wash of confusion on his lips. “Ruby, what are you doing?” I can hear him, but I don’t see him until I turn around and find him standing behind me.