I want to run to him, cling to him for dear life, but I try to gain control of myself, not wanting him to see the panic I feel now winding its way out of my body.
I’ve overreacted and nothing good can come of that, but I’m so relieved to see him. I have to suppress the tears that want to flood my eyes. He can’t know I was frantically looking for him and if he does, I’m not sure I can keep the conversation I had with Reid a secret.
I hate the way I reacted. The last thing Caleb needs right now is my manic ass adding fuel to an already on edge fire.
When I reach him, I swallow hard and find myself not breathing, and it takes everything in me not to gasp out loud and suck in air.
“Seriously, Ruby. What are you doing out here?” he asks me again, his eyes wide as he looks me over, checking to make sure I’m okay. I can only hope I’m a good enough actor to convince him I’m fine.
“I woke up and you weren’t in bed. I came looking for you,” I say, trying to control the shakiness that seems to scream loud and clear in my own ears.
“You sounded scared when you called my name. You sure you’re alright?” He slings his arm over my shoulder and guides me back toward the house as if we aren’t standing outside in the alley behind our house at three o’clock in the morning. Everything about this moment feels weird and unnatural.
“Yes, I’m fine. I guess I was still sort of asleep when I came out here,” I lie, shaking my head. “It sort of felt like a dream, I guess.”
“Okay,” he responds, but it feels like he doesn’t believe me either.
“What were you doing out here?” I’m afraid of his answer and I feel my ragged breathing returning as I wait for him to respond.
“There was someone out here.” His words are said with such certainty, with such conviction that I find the need to shoot off a rebuttal immediately even though I know it’s the wrong thing to do.
“There was no one out here.” The way it comes out is defensive and I look away from him as we walk back into the house. “You’re just…” I stop myself before going any further because I know what I’ve just done.
I’ve invalidated his feelings. I’ve made him feel like he needs to second guess himself and I’ve placed it in his head that he’s crazy. I can see all of this by the look on his face. His eyebrows are pinched together, his lips set in a firm line. And even though I’m silently telling myself to pull it together, my throat begins to burn with the start of tears.
I burst out crying and not because I want him to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to deflect what I said and in turn have him comforting me. The fear has turned me into a big fucking mess and I need to apologize to him immediately.
“Ruby, baby, what’s the matter?” Caleb asks, pulling me into his arms, the look of anger now gone and all I can feel and hear is sympathy.
“I’m sorry,” I blubber out, sobbing into his chest, my tears soaking him. “I never should’ve said that to you. I never should’ve made it sound like…”
“Ruby, please. It’s okay. I just want to know why you’re so upset.”
I want to confess everything to him. I want to tell him I worry someone from his past is after him and now they’re after me too. I worry he’s not stable enough to hear something like that. I worry he’s too on edge to handle anything out of the ordinary even though he seems okay.
His response to me asking him why he was outside in the middle of the night was so calm and controlled that I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s me who’s overreacting to things. Caleb hasn’t overreacted to anything, but I’m sitting here waiting for him to.
I’m the problem. Not him.
“I’m just tired. I was worried when you weren’t in bed,” I admit, because I was worried about him not sleeping, but then things changed.
I’m letting my own fears cloud my judgment and make me a panicky mess, but not only that, I’m not trusting Caleb to make sound and logical decisions.
Maybe there was someone outside, actually after what happened this morning, I have no reason to doubt him. But telling him that is something that walks a fine line and may add to his fear of being stalked.
“Let’s go back to bed before we wake up Sie and Reid,” he now says, his hand falling to the small of my back as he guides me back toward our bedroom.
“Why did you think someone was outside?” I ask, as we lie down next to each other in the dark, my breathing returning to normal, my tears now gone.
“I heard someone talking outside the window. I listened for a few minutes and when it didn’t stop, I went out to look. There was a guy pacing in the alleyway on his cellphone. He saw me, waved a hand in apology and went into a house a little ways down.”
Everything about what Caleb says is logical and normal, and even he doesn’t seem worried about it. The way I reacted was wrong and stupid.
“I’m really sorry I started crying and…” I stop, steeling up the courage to admit to him I was scared. “And I was scared. I was scared something had happened to you. I worry so much about you, Caleb, and I know that’s stupid and motherly and annoying.”
I press my body against his, kissing his chest and his neck and his face over and over until I know he feels my apology.
“It’s none of those things. If anything, they make me realize how lucky I am to have you, to have someone who worries about me and wants me to get better.”
“I want everything for you and I want to be here with you through it all. Even if I panic sometimes.”
I smile up at him even though I know it’s hard for him to see me in the darkened bedroom. I kiss his lips now, his hands tangling in my hair.
“We’ll get through this together, Ruby.”
Chapter Thirty
Caleb
“Last exam today, right?” I ask, lying in bed, my hand tucked behind my head as I watch Ruby get dressed.
She glances over at me. “Yes, thank god,” she moans, rolling her eyes dramatically, even though she’s smiling.
I laugh, a part of me also grateful it’s nearly over. It’s been a long few weeks of studying and finals for all three of them and I know they are all counting down the days until they’re done.
It’s also been a strange week, at least for me anyway. Although she hasn’t asked me any more about it, I know there are still unspoken things on both sides since Ruby found me wandering around outside in the middle of the night, supposedly checking on the noise I heard in the alley.
I wasn’t entirely truthful when I said it was some guy on his phone who just waved and went into a house farther down the street. I mean there was a guy out there, but he wasn’t on his phone and he didn’t give me a friendly wave and casually walk off.
He bolted.
Took off running down the alley like he wasn’t supposed to be there and I’d scared the shit out him when I found him. I’d started to run after him, but I wasn’t wearing anything other than a pair of boxers, my feet bare and I knew there was no way I could go after him like that.
I don’t have any idea who the fuck he was or what the hell he was doing, but the second I heard Ruby call my name, heard the fear in her voice, I knew I wasn’t going to find out that night. Not when I could tell she needed me more.