I turned and looked down the long hill.
I had nobody I cared about anymore in my life.
Except her.
Except Amelia.
Except… Delilah…
We stopped outside her house.
“Hey,” I whispered. “You need to stay away from the people I hang out with.”
“What? I never go near them.”
“I know you don’t, Amelia. But just… never go near them.”
“Josh, what’s wrong? You seem different tonight.”
“I just have a lot on my mind. I got into a fight with them.”
“A fight?”
“I punched Nash in the face. Then Murph took me down. It was a mess. Abel broke it up and they took off.”
“Are you okay?”
Amelia’s eyes shined in the night.
I nodded. “I’ll be fine. Those guys are trouble.”
“And you hang out with them.”
“Don’t worry about that part.”
“Are you trouble?”
“I don’t know what I am anymore,” I said.
I don’t know what you are either, Amelia. I told the guys your name was Delilah. And it’s really fucked up because they wanted to know your fake name, but they think your fake name is your real name.
“I’m sorry to bother you.”
I squeezed her hand tighter. “You never bother me. Ever.”
“There are other girls, Josh. Girls your age. I know that. I know you’re not… I mean, we’re not together.”
I swallowed hard. “What are you worried about?”
“What I am to you. Or why I keep running to you. I’m a burden.”
“You’re not a burden, Amelia. Ever.” I touched her hair with my other hand. “I promise. And someday all of this will make sense. I’ll tell you everything. Right now though all I care about is you being safe. Getting sleep.”
“Will you walk me in again?” she asked.
“Of course I will. Is your father here?”
“No. He’s gone for the night.”
Inside the house, we found Amelia’s mother on the couch, asleep. The TV was on, the glow of the screen making shadows dance on the walls.
We went upstairs and I sat on the edge of Amelia’s bed as she fell asleep.
I had, in a strange way, gotten used to the smell of her house. But nobody like Amelia should have to live in a house like this one.
Maybe changing her name was a good thing.
She could change her name and run away with me.
We could just leave.
Tonight.
Right now.
I couldn’t save Amelia…
But maybe I could save Delilah.
Chapter 46
Even More of These Words
NOW
(Josh)
The letters were never supposed to be seen by anyone but me. But it had gone too far. And if I had known sooner that Amelia had found the first letter, none of this would have happened.
But here we were.
In love. Yet hurt and confused.
She was pregnant.
With my baby.
I had never once in my life thought about having a family. I never envisioned myself in the same shoes as my father. To have the capability to stay or go, to love a family or leave a family. Or to just have that sick power to walk away and start over because things weren’t perfect.
There wasn’t a doubt in my body that I wouldn’t love the life inside Amelia. It was instant. The second I saw the picture of the pregnancy test, it was like someone snapped their fingers and the entire world changed.
“What is this?” Amelia asked me as she held the folded-up piece of paper.
“It’s the letter to Delilah,” I said. “The one I just wrote. You've been obsessed with her. So, there you go. Read it.”
“You said you were giving it to her.”
“And I just did, love,” I said.
Amelia shook her head. “What the hell are you talking about, Josh?”
I looked beyond Amelia and saw her cat loving roommate slinking her way toward us. She had a bag on her shoulder and what looked like a yoga mat or something rolled up under her arm.
“I’m just going to take off,” she said to Amelia. “Give you two some space.”
“Won't you miss your cats?” I asked.
Amelia’s roommate looked at me with a vicious look on her face.
“Are you okay here?” she asked Amelia.
“I’m fine,” Amelia said.
Her roommate left as I kept my eyes on Amelia.
“Grace has been the only one there for me,” Amelia said. “You refused to answer your phone. Remember?”
I curled my lip. “For good reason.”
“Why? What good reason could you have?”
“The truth,” I said. “That's what I always wanted to keep you from, love. The damn truth. But you always kept coming back. And there was nothing I could do short of hurting you, but I knew you were already hurting badly.”
“So, the night I tried to kiss you? I offered myself to you.”
“We were young,” I said.
“No, we weren’t,” she said. “We knew what we wanted.”
“And you didn’t know what was happening in my life. You thought I was a knight coming to save you. Guess what, Amelia? There were monsters after me too.”
She swallowed hard. “And now?”
“Your memory is the monster,” I said. “That’s why I lost myself so badly. There was nobody else but you. I thought I could get over it. Get away. Find a new life. But then I felt like my father. So, I went looking for you. I broke into your old house, Amelia. That’s where I was. And Aaron saved my ass. Now I talk to someone as a promise to Aaron so I could figure out my past. But there’s nothing to figure out. It’s either I have you now or I never have you again.”
“You don’t love someone else?” she asked me with big, innocent eyes.
It took me racing back in time to us standing there in the woods when she tried to kiss me.
“You’re Delilah,” I said.
“How? Why?”
I sighed and rubbed my jaw. “That’s what we used to do, Amelia. Any girls we liked we would have them make up a name. It was stupid. I never understood it. I never wanted you near those guys or what I was doing at that time. I told them things…”
“You told me that before,” she said.
“But not everything. I told them we were in love. So you were off limits. I made sure they didn't come near you and you didn't go near them. I told them your name was Delilah so they would have no clue who you were. And when you were gone… I was gone… the only way I could forget you was to think of Delilah. But then it wouldn’t stop. I loved you, Amelia. I still love you. The nights walking with you. Walking you to your bedroom. Waiting for you to sleep. I replay everything. I hate myself for not taking your father down when I had the chance. I hate myself for not taking you when I had the chance. But my father… my sister… my grandmother…”
I lost my words and my voice.