I loved holding his face as he stared at me.
I loved the sound of love.
I loved the way it felt.
He kissed me again.
He then nestled his face into the curve of my neck.
His teeth grazed my skin again.
I gasped as I felt how full he was.
My hands tried to slide down his back, but they only made it halfway before he began to finish.
I froze and gasped.
Josh was heaven and hell combined.
And he was all mine.
I wrapped my arms around him.
I promised myself I would never let him go.
I lifted my head off Josh’s chest and watched him sleep.
He made me bite my lip like I was a teenager again. That time when I didn’t realize why I felt the way I felt or what I really wanted. Even though my innocence had long been taken, being near Josh back then gave me that innocence back. A different kind of innocence.
I kissed his chest and snuck out of the bed.
I grabbed Josh’s shirt off the floor and put it on. It was now my favorite shirt in the world.
I looked around the apartment. There was no way a baby would fit in here. And there was no way in hell I was bringing a baby into the apartment of cats either. That made me nervous, but it made me smile. Josh and I were going to find a place together. To have our own place. To raise our baby together.
There was no reason for me to be awake.
But it was a time when I actually didn’t feel sick. And my body felt comfortable and alive.
And maybe because I wanted to read the letter.
The second letter he wrote to Delilah. Or me. Or however anyone wanted to look at it.
I wanted to know everything about the life he had been living all those years ago. He made up a name for me to keep those guys away from me. He did everything he felt was right to protect me. But the past really didn’t matter anymore. This was about the present. The life we created and the life we were going to have.
I touched the letter and sort of wished that I didn’t want to see it as much as I did.
I thought about the first letter. What it said. What it meant to me.
The fact that it was written by Josh for me. The greatest love story I’d ever read, and it was my own.
I bit my lip again and slowly unfolded the piece of paper.
I gasped when I saw who the letter was to.
Dear Amelia,
He wrote it to me. Actually to me.
Not Delilah.
I blinked fast as I caught my breath.
Dear Amelia,
There aren’t enough words or years to truly find the right way to love you. It’s an endless journey, but the one I will take for the rest of my life. All the seconds I have and all the seconds I lost matter nothing to the seconds I dream of spending with you. The depths of the fire is where everything waits. Long fingers touching me, wanting to pull me down and pull me away.
That’s the only reason I pushed you away, love.
You couldn’t fall with me.
I live with regret.
To think of another loving you is the end of me. There is no other and there never can be. Your happiness will never be truly known or seen.
You pretended to be in the world of Delilah when you were living it all along.
You’re the pretty girl in the blue dress at the top of the hill on the spring day. You’re the pretty girl that comes racing toward me, jumping at the last second, trusting I’d catch you. And I would. I’d catch you and spin you around until we were both so dizzy we’d fall down and laugh. The clouds would spin until they turned dark and the stars would shine and buzz like the streetlight above us that night we sat together on the curb, chasing dreams in our minds but never speaking them.
I wish you could have met everyone else.
Delaney would have loved you. She would have taken to you like a big sister. She would have grabbed your hand and torn you away from me. She would have made you play all the girly games. You’d be the princess to her queen. You’d sip air that was tea. You’d laugh at her reactions. Maybe if you were there, things would have been different. Maybe you would have been that little bit of extra strength she needed. Is that even possible? I’ll never know.
Gram would have loved you too. She would have slipped an arm around you, hugged you, and whispered for you to run like hell from me. She would have rolled up a newspaper and smacked me in the arm over and over, making me promise to everything holy that I would never break your heart. She would forget about me in a loving way and take to you. Maybe if you were there, things would have been different. Your beauty and heart could have helped her laugh instead of shake. Your care and eyes could have shown her life when she was looking for death. Is that even possible? I’ll never know.
Those aren’t your scars to bear, love. They are mine. The life I had, hid from, lost, and will never have again. The only thing I’ll ever have now is you.
I folded the letter and shut my eyes.
My heart weighed a hundred pounds.
It pounded with a soft but powerful thud, over and over.
We had both been going through so much at the same time. And never once did he tell me what he was going through. He turned it all off for me. I ran to him every time it got to be too much at home. And he was always there to hug me, hold my hand, say what I needed to hear.
He gave everything to me.
And now I wanted to give everything back and then some.
I opened my eyes as I felt someone behind me.
“The only thing I ever want now is you,” Josh whispered.
I jumped and gasped.
Tears filled my eyes.
“I would live a thousand tragedies for the taste of one kiss, love,” he whispered. “I would relive everything from the first day until now just to see your face one more time. There never was Delilah. Just Amelia. Delilah was the ghost, the shadow, the broken hope that filled my heart when I told myself you would be happy somewhere else. Delilah was never supposed to hurt me, but she did. And it was my own doing. Until the second I saw you again. It came rushing back. No amount of whiskey could chase you away. You have me, Amelia. Today. Tomorrow. For as long as you want. Or need. But you… you are my forever…”
I looked down at the letter.
Josh had just spoken the rest of the letter, word for word.
I folded it back up and dropped it.
I didn’t need to read his words.
I had them to hear.
I turned to face him.
He was shirtless, because I was wearing his shirt.
He touched my sides and I put my hands around his neck.
It looked like we were doing the pathetic middle school slow dance.
Except there was no music.
And we weren’t swaying.
It was just us, our eyes, all the truths we’d always known, but never faced.
The words forever and everything weren’t good enough.
“I bet she’ll have your eyes,” Josh whispered.
“She?”
He nodded.
“You can predict the future?”
“Sometimes,” he said.
“Oh really?”
“In three seconds, I’m going to steal your breath, make your heart race, and waste the rest of these early morning hours loving you.”
“That’s a bold-”
“Three, two, one,” Josh said.
He kissed me.
He scooped me up.