I walked to a wall and was eye level with a basket of kittens. Little, fluffy kittens.
Amelia’s hand touched my back.
Every muscle tensed.
“Just tell me why then?” she whispered. “Why didn’t you find me? Why didn't you tell me this?”
“Tell you what?” I asked. “We were both apart. I put myself too close to the edge with those guys I ran with, so I took off to save myself. I had no ties after my grandmother passed away. She was in so much financial trouble the house was taken. And what I did to you…”
“You were protecting me,” Amelia said.
I turned and looked down at her. “I was protecting myself. I didn't know how to love someone like you. Yet I couldn't stop. So, I fell in love with someone else. I fell in love with Delilah. A made-up name for a person who was so real. So perfect. And beautiful.”
“Where did you get the name?” Amelia asked.
“My sister and the girl that used to live next door,” I said. “It just came to me one night. It was the night I told you I punched Nash. And then Murph jumped me. Things got so intense. So, I made up your name and they took off. I realized there was nothing I could do for you then. But I couldn't get away. I kept looking for you. Waiting for you. And we kept hanging out. In little chunks of time that somehow made up for the rest of the shit happening in my life.”
“I wish I knew,” she said. “Everything. I wish I knew about your father and what he did. I wish I knew about Delaney. And your grandmother. I wish I could have been there for you, Josh. You were the strength for me. I used to talk to stuffed animals. I used to make up stories to ease mine and my mother’s mind. But it was you… just seeing you. Being near you.”
My hands reached for her face.
She gasped and her eyes went wide.
My thumbs slid along her cheeks.
I looked down and tried to picture her belly full and round. A life inside her, kicking, waiting to come out and change the world we knew.
“I’ll always love you, Amelia,” I said.
“Josh… everything you said in that letter… was for me?”
“I would dream of you,” I whispered. “You and my sister. All the time. I was on a plane. I guess I was escaping or taking you with me. And maybe in some messed up way I wanted to have you and Delaney. She wouldn’t have cancer. We could be a family. But you would always jump out of the plane. Or you or Delaney would be flying next to the plane. And I could never get to you. It was like I had to say goodbye, but I refused so I had to live it all out…”
My thumbs moved along her cheeks again.
“That’s you, Delilah. You’re the ocean. The waves. The horizon. The sunrise and sunset against the wall, defying all process of life and infinite space. You’re the hope, the danger, the sadness, the love. Except you’re not sadness, Delilah. I’m sadness. You’re happiness…” I quoted from my own letter. “That's you… Amelia.”
“Oh, Josh,” she said.
She moved at me just like that night in the woods.
My hands slid down her body, cresting over her breasts for a split second as I gritted my teeth. My hands settled at her ribs and I held her away.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Read the letter. Then let me know what you want to do.”
“Josh…”
I slipped away from her. “Delilah is gone now. Forever. She was the one thing that protected me from myself. It's not fair to ask you to step into those shoes, love. But just know I will always love you and I will always love our baby.”
I left the apartment, leaving Amelia with nothing but a letter… and an unborn life inside her.
My lip curled again.
Maybe I was just like my father.
Always walking away.
I sat on the floor with my back against the bed.
There were notebooks and sketchpads, scribbles and drawings, words and none of it made sense. Even the bottle of whiskey next to me made no sense. I had taken only a few sips before quitting on that. So, to sit there sober with a clear head was not the norm for me. I had no desire, not even for a cigarette.
All I wanted was the taste of Amelia’s lips.
Her body.
I wanted to stare into her eyes.
Hell, I wanted to gently rest my head against her belly and listen for the heartbeat of our baby. Which was impossible to do because it was impossible to see or hear, but it was there. And I would wait forever to hear that heartbeat.
I just needed her to read the letter and understand everything. The man she knew and the protector she craved…
I shook my head.
My chance had come and gone again.
She wanted to kiss me. She wanted to jump into my arms. She wanted me to carry her to her bed and show her how much I loved her, needed her and craved her. Yet again, the need to save her kept me from acting.
The idea of Delilah had become such a part of my life… the only one who understood it was Aaron. I trusted him with who Delilah was and he was always there for me. Even the night I got into trouble, he was there. He told me right then and there that I needed to find a way to let her go. For good. To let it all go.
I tried.
But there was no letting go.
My father could burn in hell.
Delaney was a little angel somewhere, beautiful, but the sadness of her death would forever exist in me.
Gram… I only hoped she was with Delaney wherever that was.
But Amelia? Delilah?
There was no way of letting her go.
She thought I was saving her.
When, in reality, she was the one saving me.
I reached for the bottle and there was a knock at the door.
I got to my feet and raced to the door.
When I opened it and saw Amelia standing there, I didn’t know what to say.
I had a million things to say, but didn’t know what to say first.
“You’re here,” I said.
“I’m here,” she said.
“Did you read the letter?”
Amelia showed me her hand.
The letter was folded up.
“No,” she said. “I don’t give a damn about Delilah.”
“Amelia…”
“I love you, Josh,” she said. “And look what we’ve done together…”
“You should read the letter,” I said.
“Why? It’s written to someone who doesn’t even exist. But we exist.”
I inched a little closer to her. “She exists, love. She always did. That’s what you need to understand. She was the driving force behind every decision I ever made in my life. The good and the bad. I never wanted someone the way I wanted her.”
“And now?” Amelia asked.
“It’s the same way, love. Nothing has changed.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Josh. Everything has changed. And we have our chance…”
I reached for Amelia’s hand. I slipped my fingers into hers. I turned and brought her with me, walking her to the large window. Outside, it was dark and quiet. We were hidden away from the world that had worked so hard to hurt us and confuse us.
“I only ever wanted to save you, Amelia,” I said as I stared out the window. “The night I stopped you, that was part of it. If you really tried to come with me or run away with me, nothing good would have happened. I hated myself for what happened that night too. I forced myself to stay away from you. But you never left my memory. You became Delilah and then you showed up all this time later. Everything I’ve ever drawn, painted, photographed, it’s all been in your honor somehow. Every time someone tells me how great something looks, I think of you. I’ve never loved anyone like you. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone else but you.”