Lucas disappears into his room and I pull on my boots and coat. Outside, it’s clear and bright. The dogs, snuggled up in the warmth, are reluctant to join me, but they still make the effort. I cross to the barn and go along the gates, looking into each pen to make sure that everyone is present and correct.
When I get to Fluffy, our mum-to-be sheep, I stand and look at her growing tummy. I should get the vet out to look at her and make up a lambing pen. We take in orphaned lambs nearly every year, but we don’t often have them of our own. Seems as if everyone is getting pregnant round here.
And then a thought makes my stomach go cold.
When did I last have a period?
I try to calculate back. With all that’s been going on, with Lucas, Alan, Shelby and Christmas, I admit that I’ve not paid much attention.
When I work it out, my heart is in my mouth. The truth of the matter is that I’m very, very late.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Bev is back and she’s all bouncy. ‘I’ve been busy over the weekend, Mols,’ she announces. ‘I’ve got the open day all planned out as well as what we’re doing with the kids. Shall we go through it this morning?’
‘I’ve got to pop into town,’ I say and my voice sounds tight even to my ears.
She spins round and stares at me. ‘What?’
‘I’ve got an errand to run.’
My friend frowns at me, as well she might. ‘You never “pop” into town. Any errands there are you get me to run.’
I shrug.
‘Tell Aunty Bev,’ she says, hands on hips. ‘What’s going on?’
I look round, checking there’s no one in earshot, even though I know that all the students are packed off to their tasks for today. ‘I have to buy a pregnancy test.’
Bev’s eyes widen. ‘For you?’
‘Who else?’
Her eyes travel to my belly. ‘You’re not, are you?’
‘That’s exactly what I need to find out.’
‘Fuck me, Molly,’ is her verdict.
‘I know.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ she says. ‘The bloody nativity can wait. This is more important. The Hot Mayor can hold the fort for a couple of hours.’
I’m dreading the day that the Hot Mayor has to go back to doing whatever it is that mayors do, as he’s proving himself to be very handy round here.
‘We’ll go in my car,’ Bev says. ‘Get your coat on!’
So we leave Matt in charge with promises to be as quick as we can and drive into the town centre at breakneck pace. I stare out of the window as the hedges whizz by and Bev’s brakes burn. My mind has been in turmoil since last night. I hardly slept a wink. How can this have happened? I know what you’re thinking – the obvious way. But we’ve used contraception. Has it failed me? Don’t you get other symptoms with pregnancy – morning sickness, sore boobs, that kind of thing? I feel nothing. I’m just the same as I ever was. Shouldn’t I know? Shouldn’t I be feeling something? Shouldn’t I be aware if life is growing inside me? Instead, I am numb from head to toe.
‘It will be fine,’ Bev says, sensing my inner panic as only a best friend can. ‘Whatever happens, it will all be fine.’
Bev screeches into the supermarket car park and throws her Fiesta into the first empty space we come to. Then we march into the store and straight to the pharmacy counter. There are a baffling array of pregnancy tests on the shelves and I gaze blankly at them.
‘Get this one,’ Bev says and grabs a box. She thrusts it into my hands and steers me to the counter where, on autopilot, I pay.
I could have gone to the little chemist’s in the village, but I don’t want anyone there knowing my business. It feels very public here but at least it’s anonymous. No one in this place has a clue who I am.
Clutching my paper bag bearing my test, I say to Bev, ‘I should go to the loo.’
‘Not here!’ Bev tuts. ‘You can’t find out if you’re preggers in bloody ASDA! We’ll go to that nice café down the road.’
So she grips my elbow and we rush out and head down the road to the café which is deemed a good place for a life-changing event. The window seat is empty again, which is a bright spot in a terrifying morning.
‘Off you go,’ Bev says.
‘What do I need to do?’ I whisper.
‘Pee on it,’ she whispers back. ‘Then wait a couple of minutes. That’s it.’
‘Come with me,’ I beg.
So we put our coats over the backs of the chairs to save the table and disappear into the loo together. The space is cramped and it’s all pink and the smell of pot pourri makes me feel nauseous. My chest is tight and I feel barely able to breathe.
‘Go on.’ My friend nods to me in an encouraging way. ‘Do it.’
I shut myself into the cubicle and, as ordered, pee on the stick. When I come out, it’s already showing the result and my hands are shaking.
Bev is waiting anxiously. ‘Well?’
‘I’m going to have a baby,’ I say.
‘Right.’ She wrings her hands. ‘This calls for a cup of tea.’
I nod.
Then she pauses and adds, ‘Are we celebrating?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. Part of me is thrilled, the other part is utterly terrified. This wasn’t planned, of course not. And it’s not the thought of a baby that scares me, it’s what Shelby’s reaction will be. I know that he doesn’t want children. It’s not part of his life-plan at all. I’ve even been frightened to tell him that Lucas is about to become a dad. How can I tell him that both he and his son are about to be daddies? This is too difficult.
Bev hugs me tightly. ‘Well, I think we are,’ she says. ‘Let’s have cake too.’
We go back into the café and I sit at the table, stunned, while Bev fusses with ordering tea and cake.
She brings back two brimming mugs and huge slices of Victoria sponge. I stare at it blankly.
Bev pushes the cake at me. ‘You’re eating for two now.’
‘I can’t face it.’
‘Has it sunk in yet?’ she asks.
‘No.’ I shake my head, bewildered. ‘I don’t have time to be pregnant.’
Bev smiles at me. ‘Life has a way of laughing in your face. We’ll find time. That’s the least of your worries. How far gone do you think you are?’
‘I don’t know.’ Perhaps it was the romantic night we had at Homewood Manor. Were we as careful as usual then? I think so. But clearly not. Here I am lecturing Lucas about using contraception when I should, obviously, have been listening to my own advice. ‘It can’t be very long.’
Shelby and I have barely seen each other recently, let alone had time to do anything else. The ‘occasions’ are few and far between, so that should make it easy to work out. But I can’t think straight, at the moment.
‘Difficult question,’ Bev says, ‘But do you want to keep the baby?’
Then I get a rush of love, of emotion, like I’ve never experienced before and I know one hundred per cent what my answer is. ‘Yes.’ Tears well in my eyes. ‘Yes.’