I tried to push down the lump in my throat as I shook my head stiffly.
"Then what?" she breathed, a V forming between her eyes. "Is it because of...what you did for me?"
"No," I growled, capturing her hand and immediately kissing the tips of her fingers without thinking that move through. But I didn't regret it, because regardless of Maverick and her, and however that shit made me feel, I would never have taken back what I'd done for her tonight. "I'd cast a hundred bodies into the ocean for you, little one."
"You can tell me whatever it is," she swore. "There's nothing in the world we can't share with each other. Remember when I thought I was dying because I got my first period? And you took me to the clinic and brought those maxi pad pee catcher thingys your mom uses and I put like four in my panties?"
I snorted. "Yeah, that was a weird day."
"Totally weird," she agreed, her cheeks colouring a little as she giggled. "And we shall never speak of it again. But I swear I can handle any shit you're going through. Is it a dick thing? I definitely don't have much peen-formation to go on, but I am all ears and zero judgement."
I shook my head, breathing another laugh as she caught my hand and squeezed it. I could feel the words welling up in my throat. Part of me wanted to confront her, to hear her confirm that she'd chosen Maverick once and for all. But I also knew it would be more painful than seeing it with my own eyes. And maybe I wanted to hold onto the peace in our group just a little longer. Until the truth came spilling out like oil and polluted everything we'd built together.
I'd known this day had been coming, but I just hadn't been ready for her to choose anyone other than me. Fuck, should I have acted sooner? Should I have tried to tell her how I felt, shown her how much I cared before Maverick had staked his claim? I'd considered it a thousand times, but I always came back to the same fear. I didn't have shit to offer Rogue. I couldn't buy her flowers or take her to nice places. She was the sort of girl who deserved the good stuff. And I'd hoped that maybe one day I'd have enough in my pocket to treat her right. That maybe I'd have had time to become someone before I lost her. But now it was all fucked and I was out of the running before I'd even had a couple of dollars to rub together. I wanted to hate her for that. But I didn't. I loved her like I loved nothing and no one else. I would've done anything just to fucking...
I pulled her closer, tugging hard enough to make her stumble and cursing myself internally, but testosterone was raging in me and demanding I do something. Anything to just make her see how much she meant to me.
"Woah, watch it Hulk, you're stronger than you realise these days," she teased.
"Do you like that?" I blurted and I swear a fire literally started on the back of my neck. Fuck. My. Life.
"What?" she snorted. "The Hulk? I'm more of a Batman girl myself."
"They're not even the same world. Batman's DC and Hulk's Marvel." Why am I talking about superheroes right now??
"You just spoke Latin to me, dude," she said with a smirk. "So, what's the Green Power Ranger? Is he Marvel or DC?"
"What?" I shook my head, totally losing my line of thought. "He's not either of those fucking things," I snapped, getting angry as I couldn't manage to align my thoughts and say what I really wanted to say. What was I planning anyway, to bear my heart like some soppy twat and let her watch as she broke it?
"Woah, did I touch a nerve? Are the Power Rangers like, blasphemous to Batman or something? They could totally beat him though by the way. Sorry not sorry."
"I don't wanna talk about the fucking Power Rangers," I snarled.
She bit her lip, smothering a laugh. "Shit, I so did not realise how much of a comic geek you are and how much you hate the Power Rangers."
"I don't hate the -" I stopped myself mid sentence, turning sharply away from her, taking out my pack of smokes and lighting up another one. "Forget it."
"Chase." She moved to my side, rubbing shoulders with me. "I know what this is about."
"You do?" I asked, my heart rising into my throat to just beat there like a fleshy lump of meat that I couldn't swallow properly.
"Yeah." She looked at me seriously, her eyes large and open, reminding me of a dawn sky that was full of a million possibilities. "It's because I never gave your mom's pee pads back, isn't it?"
I roared a laugh, shaking my head at her and dropping my arm over her shoulders, glad for an excuse to just forget about the pain in my heart for now. "Yeah, little one. It's been killing me ever since. I gave you a whole pack. You can't have used them all."
"I stuck the last of them to Rosie's forehead and cheeks while she was sleeping. Put two on the soles of her feet too. She fell right on her ass when she leapt out of bed the next morning. Ka-donk. I wish I'd thought to keep one for myself too, because I about pissed myself laughing."
I chuckled, holding her tighter, wishing I never had to let go as I leaned in close and whispered in her ear. "You wanna know a secret?"
"Always," she said, nodding firmly.
"I stole another pack from my momma after that day I took you to the clinic and carried them around in my bag for like three months 'cause I thought you might bleed out on me if I didn't have them."
She threw her head back as she laughed and I grinned at her. "You're too cute, Chase Cohen."
"I think stupid is the word you're looking for." Not that I knew a whole lot more about periods and wombs and all that mysterious girl stuff that went on between their legs. But Google had given me a few clues since then. Though whenever I searched terms like how do vaginas work, or what's a vulva, I inevitably ended up on porn sites and well...that only ever ended one way.
"Hmm...." She smiled at me and for a single, fleeting moment that smile lit up all the shadows inside me and made me forget she'd chosen my friend over me. "Let's settle on stupidly cute and leave it at that."
I released a breath of amusement as we headed past the fortune teller. "So are you gonna throw away your fortune tonight too?"
"Nah." She snuggled in close under my arm and it felt so right that it somehow fractured my heart even deeper. Please don't leave me. "I don't wanna piss off any kind of higher power right now."
"Come on, you don't really believe in that shit, do you?" I cocked a brow at her and she shrugged.
"Better to be safe than sorry tonight."
"I suppose, but there's not much I can do either way. If there's a hell, I'm pretty sure my daddy bought me a ticket the day I was born," I joked, but she didn't laugh.
"Don't worry, Ace, if there's a heaven, I'll steal us all a ticket. And if that doesn't work, we'll sneak in the back. Just like always."
"I'll hold you to that," I teased.
"Good. Because wherever I go, you all go too."
I nodded, but my heart ached as we walked back to the arcade. Because I already knew she couldn't keep that promise. And soon enough, our perfect little world was going to crumble. Maverick was the only one who'd be walking away with Rogue at his side. I just wished I could figure out a way to stop time before then. Or better yet, go back long before she'd made that choice and ensure she made a different one. But time always just kept moving in one direction, and I knew for sure that fate and destiny were bullshit. Because my fortune card had said in the end I'd fly, but I was already falling. And it looked like it was a long fucking way down with nothing but rocks at the bottom.