“I felt the same. Some days the chat would go darker, but there was always someone in there to lighten the mood. Does Alan still go in there?” She smirked, and I could tell she probably had a few Alan anecdotes to share from her own visits to the forum.
“Fucking Alan? Yeah. He’s a one-off, isn’t he?”
“That’s putting it politely.”
We both laughed nervously.
“Do you ever go in there now?” I hoped she didn’t. I didn’t want to share this with anyone else. I liked having it all to myself. My secret haven. The thought of Legion chatting with her made me uncomfortable.
“No. Not anymore. But it helped me at a time when all I was capable of was talking online. I liked the anonymity.”
I felt a little lighter hearing that.
“Me too,” I admitted.
Mum strolled back in with a tray loaded up with mugs of tea. She’d also added some Kit-Kats and Chocolate Mini Rolls.
“Help yourselves, girls,” she said and took her own mug off the tray then left us to it.
“Your mum is lovely. If we were at my house it’d be china cups, plates of biscuits, and don’t slouch while you’re sitting on the sofa, dear. I love a Mini Roll.” Emily leant forward to grab one off the tray. Then she sipped her tea and started to peel the wrapper off.
“It’s lovely to see you, and thanks for thinking of me, but I’ve got a feeling there’s something you want to tell me and you’re stalling,” I said, as Emily averted her eyes and shoved more chocolate into her mouth to give her some thinking time.
“Well, I was thinking of coming to see you. You know, to check on how you are. But you’re right, there is something I need to let you know about. I wanted to tell you before you heard this from anyone else.”
I put my mug down and sat forward.
“Spill it. What’s going on?”
Emily took a deep breath and fixed her eyes on me as she spoke.
“He’s back.”
She didn’t need to say who he was. I knew. And hearing her say he was back made the bottom of my stomach drop out and a wave of nausea engulf me. I started to shake, as if he was going to walk through the door at any minute. It was crazy because, in my mind, when he’d invaded my thoughts, my privacy, and my fucking home, I’d wanted him to come out and face me. I wanted to stand in front of him and give him both barrels. Destroy him with the force of my anger. But hearing he was back, actually living and breathing, walking around Sandland like Brodie never existed, that bothered me. I didn’t want to see him, not really. I didn’t know what I’d do if and when I did. Was he laughing about us? Did he think this was all a big fucking joke?
“Have you seen him?” I asked.
“No. Not yet. But Ryan has and he said he’s pissed but he wants his life back.”
“He wants his life back.” I shook my head, exasperated at what she’d just told me. “He’s lucky he has a life to come back to. My brother doesn’t. Neither do I most days.”
“Oh, Harper. I’m so sorry.” Emily scooched down the sofa to sit right next to me and take my hand in hers. “If it’s any consolation, Ryan told him he has to stay away from you. He warned him. You are off-limits. It was part of their agreement for his return.”
I knew that was bullshit. If Mathers wanted to get to me, he would. No one told Brandon Mathers what to do.
“It’s fine. Well, it’s not, but I’ll survive.” I slipped my hand out of hers and sipped my tea, but it hurt to swallow with the golf ball of anxiety in my throat.
“Ryan said he can tell he’s full of guilt. For you, I mean. He feels guilty about what happened.”
“And he should be.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to think he’s waltzing around town with that swagger of his and giving it the big I am. He isn’t the same. That’s what Ry said, anyway.” She shrugged. “And there’s one other thing you should know. He’s going back to fighting.”
I never expected he’d stop. That man was a walking weapon of mass destruction and his fists were locked and loaded. I felt sorry for the next sucker who ended up in the ring with him.
“He hasn’t learnt his lesson then.”
“Nope.”
“It’s all about the money and the notoriety with him, isn’t it?” The guy’s bravado would always overshadow any guilt he might be putting out there. In fact, I reckoned the guilt was all for show. Something he felt he had to do to be accepted back into the fold of his little fucked-up crew. Once the gossip died down, he wouldn’t show an ounce of remorse, only swagger.
“Actually, that isn’t why he fights, but it’s not my place to talk about that.” Emily blushed and went back to fidgeting again, wringing her hands in her lap and biting her lip.
I should’ve known Emily would be on his side, keeping his secrets, and trying to defend him. I wanted to challenge her on it, but I didn’t have the energy. She’d think whatever the fuck she wanted to. It didn’t matter what I had to say.
“I don’t care anymore.” I sighed. “He can take all the hits he wants, as far as I’m concerned. That man is dead to me. I don’t ever want to see him. I hate him and everything he stands for.”
Emily hummed out some weak form of agreement and we sat there, finishing our tea in silent contemplation. Eventually, Emily piped up first.
“If you want to get that first meeting over with, there’s a party next week at the waterworks. Brandon’s doing his first fight there. You should come.”
“Why would I want to meet him? Why would I put myself through that?” I couldn’t believe they were laying the bloody red carpet out for him like that. Making his return something to talk about. He left for a reason. He didn’t deserve any recognition for his comeback. I certainly wasn’t going to be there to see all that fake fanfare.
“I just thought it might be better on your terms. You wouldn’t have to go up to him or speak to him. But maybe seeing him in a crowded room might help fight some of those demons you’re wrestling.”
Like it was that easy to get rid of my demons. The devil appeared in many forms, and in Sandland, his face was one of them. Why would I purposely put myself through that?
“I appreciate the offer, but I’d rather avoid him completely. Thanks though.”
I thought that’d be the end of it, but she wasn’t giving up easily.
“I hear what you’re saying, but you won’t be able to avoid him forever. Sandland’s a small town.”
Just watch me.
“You’re talking like he has some effect on my life. He doesn’t. He wasn’t a part of my life before it all happened and he isn’t now. I’d rather forget he exists.”
I was lying, of course. Brandon Mathers consumed ninety-nine percent of my thoughts. Actually, since chatting with Legion, it was probably slightly less, but still, he was dominating my life. Forgetting he existed would be like forgetting to breathe.
After a while, Emily stood up to leave. She’d achieved what she came to do; she’d told me about his return. But she seemed disappointed that I didn’t see him the way she did. She obviously had empathy for whatever it was that made him tick. I just saw that tick as a time-bomb ready to go off and destroy everything that I loved now he was back.