He nodded, but I knew it would take more than my words to convince him. Luckily, I had all the time in the world to show him with my actions.
“We’ve both been hurt, in here…” I pressed my hand over his heart. “But together, we can find the happiness we deserve.”
“I hope you’re right, little warrior.”
“I am. I know I am,” I said and gave him a soft, gentle kiss.
We’d taken another little step towards healing. Okay, I tell a lie; it was a big fucking step. Huge. But lying in his arms, I knew we’d be okay. We hadn’t had the most conventional start to our relationship, but it was ours. It was us. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Who cares about the start anyway? It’s the ending that everyone wants, and Brandon Mathers was my happy ending.
I woke up with a start when I heard the noises downstairs indicating that my parents were home. My heart and brain went into overdrive and I rolled over to wake up Brandon, but when I turned, I saw he’d already left. My open window gave away his preferred method of escape.
It made my heart sink seeing where he’d lay, and when I reached out to touch his side, I could still feel his warmth. He hadn’t been gone long. In fact, I bet he’d heard my parents coming home and decided to do his Spiderman disappearing act. I couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t going to be the easiest thing to convince my parents that I hadn’t gone totally bananas in my decision to be with Brandon. They were already questioning my sanity, so this wasn’t going to help my case.
Still, I didn’t want to hide away. I’d done enough of that for the past few months to last me a lifetime. I wanted this to be a new beginning. Lord knows we deserved it. I was fully prepared for people to say it was too soon, or that I was with him because he reminded me of Brodie. But I didn’t care for gossip. Never had. At the end of the day, people would say whatever they wanted. I couldn’t control that. All I could control was my happiness, and at that very moment, I was the happiest I’d been in a long time.
I heard a soft knock on my bedroom door and I sprang out of the bed and grabbed my dressing gown to cover myself. When I opened the door, I saw both Mum and Dad on the other side staring hesitantly at me as if they were trying to gauge what mood I was in.
“Hey. Did you have a good spa break?” I pulled my robe tighter around myself and prayed there was nothing behind me that’d give away what I’d been doing while they were away.
“It was nice.” Mum snaked her arm through Dad’s as she spoke, and for the first time in months, I took a really good look at them both and noticed how tired they were. There were wrinkles around their eyes that I hadn’t noticed before and a darkness deep within that made me feel guilty. Guilty for the stress and worry I’d given them on top of everything else they were coming to terms with. Life for them was bad enough. They didn’t need any extra worry.
“We’re going to see Brodie in about an hour. We know you don’t like going back there, but we thought we’d ask if you wanted to tag along. No pressure. Just don’t want to keep anything from you, Harper.” Dad took a deep breath after his little speech and peered nervously down at the floor.
He was right, I didn’t like going there. But today, I felt I had to make the effort. There were things I needed to say to Brodie; secrets I needed to get off my chest. I also wanted to show my parents that I could be there for them too. It must have been hard for them to go there as often as they did. It was a constant reminder that they’d lost such a precious part of their lives.
“No, I’ll go with you.” Mum’s eyes went wide as I spoke and Dad’s face shot up in surprise.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m sure. We’re a family. You shouldn’t have to do it alone.”
“We’re never alone.” Mum gave Dad a look that radiated love and made me feel warm and hopeful. “We always have each other.” Then she turned to me and reached out to squeeze my arm. “Always.”
When we got to the churchyard, Mum got busy cleaning the leaves away and brushed over Brodie’s headstone to make sure everything was up to her standards. Dad took the old flowers out and went off to collect water, striding towards the communal tap with purpose. And I stood there in a daze, watching this strange ritual they had that I knew nothing about.
“Did you want to start cutting the flowers down? I’ve got scissors in my bag.” Mum pointed to the rucksack on the floor that she kept in the boot of the car for their visits.
When I knelt down to look inside, there were shears, a scrubbing brush, cleaning products, and everything else she’d need to keep Brodie’s graveside looking immaculate.
“I did buy some fake flowers in the week. I thought I’d save those for winter though, just in case we ever get snowed in and can’t make it up here.” She ran her hand over the marble headstone and touched the lettering that spelt out his name. “I like to keep you looking good, don’t I, Brodie?” She sighed.
I opened the bunch of brightly coloured flowers and started to trim the stems.
“Zinnias,” she said, like I knew what she was on about.
“What?”
“They’re zinnias.” She nodded at the lively explosion of colour nestled inside the bouquet. “They last the longest. Or at least, that’s what google told me. I know it’s silly and he’s not really here. But this is all we have now. Doctor Meredith said it helps to be able to talk to him. I like to talk to him here.”
Dad came up behind Mum and bent down to kiss the top of her head. “Whatever helps to get us through the day, hey?”
We worked together in silence for a few minutes, cleaning, trimming, and arranging everything. When the last flower was set in place, Dad gathered up the discarded cuttings and rubbish and stood up.
“Shall we take these to the bin and then have a little walk around? Give Harper and Brodie a few minutes alone?” he asked Mum.
“I think that’s a good idea,” she replied, although she looked torn between wanting to stay and leaving us behind.
“Thanks.” I stayed sitting on the ground next to Brodie’s grave. I was grateful that they were giving me some time alone. The things I wanted to say I didn’t feel I could say in front of them.
“We’ll be over there when you need us.” Dad pointed to a gazebo in the middle of the graveyard, with benches evenly placed around the edge. “No rush, love.”
I watched them walk off and when I felt satisfied they were far enough away not to hear me I turned to look at the cold marble.
“I never thought I’d be talking to you like this, but then I didn’t expect a lot of things to happen recently. I think I’ve gone through every emotion there is since you left us.
“I hated you for leaving. I was angry that you did this to us and to yourself. Why didn’t you ever listen to me? I had a bad feeling that night, but you wouldn’t stop and…” I took a breath. I needed to slow my racing thoughts and jumbled words.
“What’s the point in hashing it all out again? One of the main things I’ve come to learn through the heartache, anger, loss, and guilt is acceptance. Acceptance for the things I can’t change. For the life I have to live now. You were always going to do what you wanted to do and that’s okay. It was your life to lead. But now, I have to lead mine.”