I stroked my fingers through the soft grass and felt a calmness settle over me.
“I know you’re probably looking down on me and thinking I’m making a right royal balls-up of it all. Maybe I am, but I can only go on what I feel, and after doing the right thing for so long, I want to do what I want for a change. What feels right for me. Choose a path that hasn’t been dictated by anyone else. Damn it, Brodie, even my school years were controlled by you. You wouldn’t let me be in your class. You shut me out for the most part, and now I know why.”
This was the part I was dreading. Telling him that I knew what he had done and trying to come to terms with it.
“Why did you do it? Why would you want to make another person feel so shitty just to make yourself look big in front of your friends? Friends who were really crap at having your back, by the way. Do you know what Jensen did? Did you watch him hit me? Brandon did. He’s also been the only person, apart from Emily and Ryan, that’ve stood by me through this. You have really shitty taste in friends. I sometimes find myself wondering what it’d be like if you’d been on their side, the Renaissance men, I mean. How different would our lives be now? You’d probably still be here for one. But I can’t change anything and daydreaming about what ifs isn’t ever going to bring you back or make anything about this feel right.
“I guess what I’m trying to say, in my rambling, bumbling way, is that I forgive you. I forgive you for the God-awful mistakes you made back in school. I know that deep down you were a good person. You did something wicked. So, so wrong. But that’s your cross to bear, and if there is a heaven, I’m pretty certain you’ll be doing everything you can up there to make amends.”
I glanced up at the sky, the weight of guilt already drifting slowly away.
“He made mistakes too, but he’s a good man, Brodie. I know you and he would’ve never seen eye-to-eye. You’re probably pulling your hair out right now and telling me it’s too soon, I don’t know him, he’s using me. But I don’t feel that.”
I took another deep breath and tried to make sense of my puzzled mind.
“I’m not here looking for your approval. I know you well enough to know you’d never give it. I’m here to tell you that he makes me happy. If he ever stops making me happy, I’ll walk away. After everything I’ve been through, I’m finally beginning to accept my own self-worth. I deserve more. I lived in your shadow for long enough and I like having the sun on my face for a change. I’m not saying I don’t miss you every hour of every day, because I do. There’ll always be a part of me that feels empty and lost without you. But he makes those dark days more bearable.
“He never meant for any of this to happen. I know there was no love lost between the two of you, but he isn’t a killer. If he could go back and change it, he would.
“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’m with Brandon now. But I don’t want you to think this means I’ve forgotten about you, or I condone anything about that night. Life is shit sometimes, but we have to make the best of what we have. This is me making the best of it.”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling, thinking about the chocolate bars, and then all the online messages, and the way he’d treated me since he’d stepped out of the shadows to face the music.
“He reminds me of you. He’s a little off-the-wall sometimes, and he hasn’t got the first clue about dating. He says stupid shit because he doesn’t think, but it isn’t because he’s thoughtless. He acts before he engages his brain, just like you. He puts everyone else before himself, and he gets it wrong probably more times than he gets it right, but that’s what I love about him. He’s real, Brodie. What you see is what you get. He might be a little rough around the edges, a little coarse for some people, but not me. I like him. A lot. Hell, what am I saying? I love him. And I am one hundred percent dreading telling Mum and Dad about this.”
I peered over my shoulder to see Mum and Dad sat huddled together on a bench in the gazebo, both of them staring right at me.
“I think I’ll need to work up to that one, but coming here today and telling you is a start. Another step forward.”
I pushed myself up off the floor and ran my hand over the top of his gravestone.
“I’ll see you soon, Brodie. I love you, bro.”
I made my way over to my parents, and Dad stood up and held his arms open, ready to hug me. I buried my face in his chest and breathed him in. There was a serenity inside of me that I hadn’t felt for a long time. Whether that was because I’d lifted some of the burden from my shoulders after talking to Brodie, or because being held by my dad always made things feel less hopeless, I didn’t know. To be honest, it was probably a mixture of both of those things. I was lucky I had such supportive, loving parents. Brandon didn’t have that, and the thought made me ache for him. It made me want to hold him in my arms and give him that feeling that he’d missed out on all his life.
I pulled away, but my dad kept his arm around my shoulder.
“We’re doing okay, you know,” he said. “Our little family is doing okay.”
Mum sniffed back a tear, and I smiled.
“I think I might join you the next time you visit Doctor Meredith.”
Mum’s face lit up.
“Are you sure, Harper? I mean, I would love that, and Meredith had reserved a space for you, in case you ever changed your mind. She’s ready whenever you are.”
“I wasn’t ready before, but I am now. I think counselling will help me to come to terms with things and remember Brodie the way I want to.”
Dad squeezed my shoulder in support and Mum stood up to give me a hug.
“This is the best news I’ve had in a long time,” she said. “I love our little family. I love you both so much. Brodie too.”
She started to cry, and we held each other. Just like we had done on the day Brodie died, and at his funeral after that. We’d hold each other up for as long as we needed to until we could each stand tall again in our own right. Because that’s what a family does.
It works together.
It builds you up.
It gives you strength when you don’t have any of your own. I wanted that for Brandon too. And maybe, in time, we could build that together.
I didn’t want to leave her like I did. I stayed awake half the night, watching her sleep and stroking her hair because she just looked so damn beautiful. But in the morning, I heard the front door close, and I knew I had to get out of there. I didn’t want to put her in a position where she had to smuggle me out or lie to her parents. So, I did the decent thing, and I climbed out the window. It wasn’t like I was going into her garden blind; I knew it like the back of my hand.
It hurt like hell to go without saying goodbye though. I wondered if we’d ever get to a point where I could walk in through her front door, say hello to her mum and dad without them wanting to gouge my eyes out, and just be what I wanted to be to her.
Her boyfriend.
Someone she leaned on.
Her everything.
I dropped by my nan’s for a quick shower, threw on a clean t-shirt and some sweats, and then headed over to Zak’s place. The lads had been blowing up my phone since I’d switched it off yesterday, and they were having a meeting this morning to discuss some bullshit I couldn’t even focus on. All I could think about was what her face would’ve looked like when she woke up and saw that I’d gone.