“The other thing,” Ed continues, his voice kind, sympathetic almost, “is that everything that happens in this room, stays between you and me.”
I lift my head at his words and he offers me a smile. “Really?”
“Yes, really. I’m bound by client confidentiality, Caleb. I can’t say anything to anyone about your case or you.”
I take in a deep breath at his words, my body relaxing just a tiny fraction, almost as though I’m giving in just a little and accepting that I have to trust him if I ever want this to go away. “Okay,” I finally concede.
An hour later, I walk out of Ed’s office. I can still feel the anger and anxiety swirling inside me, but it’s a little duller now. We’d talked for a long time after I’d calmed down. Mostly about my case, but also about my sessions with Liz and what and how Ed would do with the report that she’d provide him.
I’d told him that Liz had mentioned PTSD and Ed had nodded, before explaining to me how that would help because it was trauma I hadn’t dealt with that undoubtedly impacted my behavior the night I caught Professor Keller outside Ruby’s window.
It was hard to sit there and listen to him talk about me like that, as though reaffirming that my brain really is a fucked up mess and it made me do stupid shit like beat the crap out of someone in a blind rage. If he and my therapist could see that, what the fuck would the cops investigating this case think? Or the judge or anyone else sitting in that courtroom?
What does Ruby really think?
As soon as my thoughts go to Ruby though, my anger is replaced with an overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt at the lie I’d told her last night, at the way I’d spoken to her when she called me out on it.
Guilt at the way I couldn’t even keep my promise to her about being honest about my feelings for more than a few days. Guilt at the way I’d left this morning, shutting her out when she asked if she could come along to this meeting.
It’s like I was giving her an excuse to break up with me. And even though that’s the last thing I want to happen, in that moment I still felt like I needed to give her that opportunity. Give her an out in case that’s what she was looking for.
My phone chimes out with a text message as I’m making my way to her car, which of course she’d lent me even though I was a total dick to her this morning about not coming with me to see Ed.
God, I really do not deserve this woman.
I pull my phone from my pocket as I unlock the car and slide into the driver’s seat.
Ruby: I hope the meeting went well…I’m sorry about this morning, about just expecting I would come along.
My heart twists inside my chest at her words, at the way she’s apologizing to me when really it should be me groveling to her. Kissing her ass even and begging her to forgive me for everything. Just as I’m about to type out an apology of my own, another text comes through.
Ruby: Also…I love you.
Her words just about break my heart and as much as I can sit here and tell myself I don’t deserve her or anything she offers me, I also know I’m too fucking selfish to give her up. Taking a deep breath, I type out a response to her.
Me: Have lunch with me? I’ll fill you in.
Me: And Ruby, I’m the one who’s sorry. I was dick...again and I shouldn’t have done that.
Me: I love you too.
I exhale, waiting for her reply, the phone in my hands as I stare at the screen and the floating bubbles that tell me she’s typing out a message.
Ruby: How about the place we went on our first date? 20 mins?
Me: Thank you. See you soon.
I spend the drive over there rehearsing the apology I know I need to give her in my head. By the time I park, my anxiety has been replaced by nerves, my head a jumbled mess of all the things I know I need to say to her. Locking the car, I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and walk slowly toward the restaurant, tucked down the alleyway.
Ruby is waiting out the front for me and when she turns to me, I open my mouth to speak first, “Ruby, I’m—”
My words are cut off by Ruby as she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls my mouth to hers, kissing me deeply. I let out a groan, slipping my arms around her waist and pulling her even closer, my whole body finally relaxing.
“I’m so fucking sorry,” I whisper, pulling back as I lean my forehead against hers. I feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life apologizing to this woman.
She smiles up at me, her eyes meeting mine. “So am I.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
“I do, Caleb,” she says, brushing a hand against my cheek, as she pulls back a little more. “I know I can be a pain in the ass about this, but—”
“I know you only mean well,” I say, cutting her off.
Ruby smiles up at me. “I do, but I also have to remember that the way I deal with something is not the way you deal with it.”
“I’m really not trying to be a dick,” I admit. “I know that’s exactly what I am, but I’m not actually…” I trail off, not sure what the fuck I’m even trying to say anymore.
Ruby brushes her lips against mine in a soft kiss. “I know this is hard for you,” she whispers against my lips. “Just remember, I’m on your side and I’m not going anywhere. No matter how hard you try to push me away.”
I exhale, burying my face in her neck as I pull her against me. “I don’t deserve you,” I mumble into her skin.
Ruby’s hand moves to the back of my neck, squeezing gently. “Yes, you do.”
Chapter Fifteen
Ruby
New Year’s Eve is usually a time when I’m home with Mila and the two of us are off getting drunk in tiny sequined dresses and too tall shoes. It’s not like I miss that, but things just feel weird and different. I miss my parents and the quiet comfort of their house. I miss Mila’s loudness, something I thought I’d never say, along with her ability to just be there with me. She may be my opposite, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t somehow exactly what I need at times.
I wonder what she’s doing tonight? If she bought the tiny dress and high heels and if she wore it out to a party? I wonder if my dad looked at her like she was crazy and made some snide comment about putting on a coat? I wonder if my mom shooed him away and told Mila to go, slipping her extra cash and a reminder to call if she needed anything?
All of these things seem so far away, and in a way, so childish when I think about what Caleb is dealing with. I have no right to sulk in my own sadness or want things I know if I really wanted, I could have. But still my chest tightens and I feel my eyes begin to sting with tears.
There’s more here than just missing my family and the stupid sequin dress. I feel alone because I’ve put so much into helping Caleb that I’ve forgotten how to take care of myself. I feel worn out and spread thin, and at times I feel like the world won’t cut him or our relationship a break.
He met with his lawyer the other day and whatever happened there made him rethink the way things have played out between us over the last week. He came home and apologized to me, which is a huge step, but still fraught with holes, because today he’s still in bed at noon.