“I don’t think it ever really gets “left behind”, Ruby,” he says, quoting my words.
“Caleb, you know what I mean,” I respond back, titling my head to the side. “You won’t have to deal with lawyers and the police. All of that will be over and you can focus on getting your life back. That’s what you came to California to do.”
“Yeah, and it keeps getting more fucked up.”
He’s struggling to stay positive and maybe I need to let him wallow for a bit. Maybe he needs to feel the full weight of everything in order to move past it.
The question is how long is too long?
Chapter Fourteen
Caleb
I’m sitting in the waiting area outside Ed’s office, my mind replaying over the events of last night and the fight Ruby and I had. I wish it had been as simple as me apologizing and her forgiving me, but it wasn’t. Things were still tense between us and I know it’s all my fault.
I was the one fucking everything up and even though I’d given in and called Ed back last night like she wanted me to, I hadn’t let her be part of that conversation, hiding out in her room while I had called and then not talking to her about it afterward. We’d gone to bed under a cloud of tension and then I’d made things even worse when I hadn’t let her come to the meeting today.
I was being a dick and I knew it, but I still couldn’t stop myself. Even if I knew I was ruining the one thing I desperately wanted to protect.
I exhale, my head leaning back against the wall as I stare up at the ceiling and wait for Ed to see me. This is all such a huge fucking mess and I have no idea how to fix any of it. I’d thought moving to California was going to solve all my problems, but all it’s done is make everything a million times worse.
Fuck’s sake. Maybe I should just leave. Just get the hell out of here and stop ruining the lives of everyone who gets close to me; everyone I care about.
“Caleb?”
I lift my head to find Ed standing in his office door, a casual smile on his face. Pushing up from the chair, I walk toward him, following him back into his office, where he closes the door behind us.
“Have a seat,” he says, gesturing to one of two chairs facing his desk.
I slump into one of them, my arms crossed over my chest in a way that I know screams stay the fuck away from me because I do not want to be here. Ed sits at his desk, reaching for what I guess is my file, which he opens and starts to read through.
I watch him, neither of us saying anything as my anger only continues to grow. Just as I’m about to stand up and walk out, Ed starts to talk.
“Alright, it’s good you’ve started seeing Liz,” he begins. “I’m going to ask her for a report, so I’ll need you to sign this,” he says, sliding a piece of paper toward me. “It’s just for—”
“What if I don’t want you to see anything she says?” I ask, cutting him off, my words harsh.
Ed looks up at me. “Why would you not want that?”
I shrug. “Because the last thing I need is for everyone to know how fucked up I am.” I can hear the anger and petulance in my voice, but I feel powerless to stop it because my anger feels like the one thing I have left at the moment.
Ed lets out a sigh, pushing my file away as he sits back in his chair and watches me. I can already feel his judgment, his annoyance at the way I’m acting.
“That’s not what this will be, Caleb, and it’s really in your best interests to have it there, to show people what you’ve been through, why you did—”
“You mean so you can tell everyone why I act this way,” I shout, standing now. I start to pace the room, my blood coursing through my veins, that same prickling feeling of anxiety dancing over my skin. My heart is racing inside my chest as my hands curl into fists by my sides.
“Caleb, I don’t know—”
“You don’t know anything about what I went through!” I shout, turning to him. “No one fucking does and the last thing I need is everyone finding out about it.” I can feel my chest heavy, my heart pounding inside my rib cage, my body primed to bolt and just get the fuck out of here.
“Enough!” Ed suddenly yells, shooting out of his chair.
His reaction surprises me and I freeze, the two of us now standing facing each other, locked in a standoff on either side of his desk. But it’s him who caves first as he exhales, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Can you sit down, please?”
I force myself to take a deep breath, my hands relaxing as I flex my fingers and walk back to my chair. Ed moves over to a small alcove on the far side of the room and opens a cupboard that turns out to be a mini fridge. He grabs two bottles of water before walking back to his desk and handing one to me. He then sits in the second chair next to me, cracking the lid on his bottle and taking a long sip before speaking.
“I have no idea what you’ve been through, Caleb,” he starts, his voice eerily calm, as if our previous outburst never even happened. “I can’t even begin to understand, despite what I’ve seen and heard from the media reports.” He pauses and I realize he’s talking about Providence, that he knows what went down back there. “But what you need to understand, what I need you to understand, is that I’m here to help you, in every way I can. And if that means we bring up your past and all the things you went through because we know it’s contributed to what happened with Aaron Keller, then that’s what we need to do. Got it?”
I swallow hard, trying to force my anger away. “You…” I have to pause and clear my throat. “You know what happened in Providence?”
Ed gives me a slow nod of his head. “I know about some of what happened in Providence,” he admits. “But I’m fairly certain that no one but you knows the full story.”
I look away, afraid he’ll see the answer written all over my face.
“I know it’s hard for you to trust people,” Ed continues. “But I’m on your side in all of this, Caleb and I need you to believe me when I say that Liz’s report will only be used if it absolutely has to be.”
“Will it…” I stop, once again clearing the lump that now seems to be permanently lodged in my throat. “Who will see it?” I eventually get out.
Ed offers me a small smile. “Only the judge and the prosecutor. If it comes to that,” he adds. “We can also request that your file be sealed should the charges proceed.”
I put the water bottle on the table beside me, my head now falling into my hands, elbows resting on my knees. This all feels so fucking overwhelming and out of my control. But more than anything it feels fucking terrifying, because I have no idea what’s going to happen.
Back in Providence, I’d been afraid, but my fear wasn’t of the unknown. Back then I knew exactly what I was afraid of and despite how hard it was, I somehow learned to live with that fear. Fear that I would lose the bar and our house, fear that Reid’s dad would come after me, just like he’d come after my dad. Fear that I’d fuck up whatever was left of our family’s legacy.
But this, this just all feels so fucking different, because I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen.