They both look up as I walk in. “Hey,” I say. “Thanks for inviting me to the party.”
“It’s a pretty lame party if you ask me,” Erik says. He tries to give his old carefree grin, but it looks so fake it hurts. “But you’re obviously welcome to join us.”
I sit on the other side of Jay, and no one says anything for a long time. For some reason, that feels better. I thought I wanted to talk, but sitting here, I realize I just wanted company. I don’t want to think about whether Lai will pull through or not, because I don’t want to think about what’ll happen if she doesn’t. I don’t want to try to talk because whatever comes out would just feel fake. So I stay with my teammates, and we support one another the only way we can right now. By being there.
28
ERIK
IT’S AGES BEFORE I can see Lai without any of her other friends around. Okay, so a couple days. But it feels like forever with everyone rushing around while I have nothing to do. I offer what info I can about the rebels, but it’s nothing I haven’t already told Lai at some point in the last three months.
Being here in Regail Hall for the first time ever is weird. Lai described it to me before, but it’s nothing like actually being in the underground tunnels myself. It’s hard to get used to. Having Jay and Al around helps. But the rebels’ underground base was one huge open space—none of these maze-like halls. And all the strangers walking around. I feel like an outsider. I’d mostly gotten used to the rebels’ faces. Guess now I have to start over from scratch again.
At least I don’t have to worry about Ellis spying on us. I’d wondered how it’d work with her butterfly snooping around in my shadow, but I forgot that that part of her gift only works if she has the person’s permission. When I retreated with the Order a few days ago—definitely thinking I did not want the butterfly around—I saw it shoot out of my shadow like it was ejected. So that’s something good, at least.
Jay was also telling me about some guy named Noah in the military. Apparently we used to be friends before I lost my memories. But for the first time, I’m sick of faces from the past I can’t remember. Right now, I don’t want to know anything about him or what he knows about me. There’s enough crap going on in the now.
Once I finally get to see Lai, just the two of us in her room, I don’t know what to say. She looks way better than she did when she first woke up. But the dark smudges under her eyes are even worse than before, and I have a hard time ignoring her missing arm. The last time I met Lai in good shape was when we all said goodbye and I went off to the rebels. She was a hell of a lot more confident then. I used to always be annoyed by that confidence and her stubbornness, but right now, I’d give just about anything to see some of that come back.
“So,” I say. “How’re you feeling?”
“Better.”
“Really? ’Cause I kind of have my doubts.”
“Don’t you always?”
“Only when they’re warranted.” I smile.
After the smallest pause, she returns it. “I’m sorry I dragged you into all this, Erik. I shouldn’t have put you in such a hard, dangerous position. Especially when I knew you’d be betraying your friends over there. But I’m glad you’re okay. And back with us.”
Cal and Gabriel’s faces flash in my memory. The smile takes more effort this time. “It’s good to be back. But I knew what I was getting into when you made that offer. It was my choice. And I don’t regret it.” I hesitate. My voice lowers. “Except at the end. I should’ve told you not to plan a counterattack. I knew Ellis was plotting something, but I—”
“You had no way of knowing she’d trick you and most of her other trusted friends,” Lai says. “That she would lie to all of you is what threw everything off. You couldn’t have known.”
“And neither could you,” I say. “So stop blaming yourself for it already.”
She just stares down at her hand.
“Everyone’s waiting for you, you know. It doesn’t matter if you can’t fight or whatever right now. Everyone just wants to see you up and at ’em and spewing your usual arrogance again.” I roll my eyes. “Even I can’t believe how much I want to hear your spiel of invincibility.”
Lai cracks a grin, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Things must be really bad if you of all people are saying that, Erik.”
“Yeah, well. I want you back. So does everyone else. If it helps get your ass in gear, I’ll admit to it.”
She laughs. But it’s not out of agreement.
“C’mon, Lai. We all make mistakes. No one’s going to hold it against you.”
“I know,” she says quietly. “It’s just—what if I fail again? What if I can only lead the Order to failure? If everything falls apart because of me, I don’t know what I’d be living for anymore.”
“Even if you fail again, you have plenty to live for. We’re all here for you, you know. You don’t have to take on everything by yourself. Me, Jay, Al—all your Order friends. You don’t have to do this alone.” I laugh. “No one here would let you do it alone.”
Finally, Lai’s smile is genuine. It’s still not really her usual self, but it’s the closest I’ve seen in a while. “Thanks, Erik. I appreciate it.”
“You know I’ve got your back, Lai.”
I’m about to try getting her to come to the leaders’ meeting that’s happening a few twisty, turning halls away—I sure as hell don’t want to go since I hardly belong here and barely know anyone, but it’d be good for Lai—but before I can say anything, the screen in the corner of the room flickers on. Lai and I share a frown.
“Does it usually do that?” I ask.
“Never.”
There’s not a whole lot of time to work it out, because then Ellis’s face is on the screen, and she’s smiling that too-familiar sharp smile that makes my skin crawl. “Good afternoon, Sector Eight. My name is Sara Ellis, leader of the rebels, and I have a message for you.”
29
LAI
MY STOMACH LURCHES at the sight of Ellis. Everything around her is dark, but she and the desk she sits at are in clear view. If she sustained any injuries in that last battle, there’s no sign of them now. She took so much from me and I couldn’t even give her a wound serious enough to last a week. Have I always been this weak? She looks tired, though. Much more so than I remember her looking during our fight.
“What’s going on?” Erik asks.
I can’t take my eyes from the screen. “I don’t know. Ellis has probably hijacked the broadcasting network—likely every monitor in the sector, if even we’re getting this.” If Ellis could hack even us …
“I do apologize for forcing your attention like this,” Ellis continues. Her eyes glint like a Feral’s about to pounce. “But I think everyone will find what I have to say very … enlightening.”
This can’t be good. Is there a way to shut down the broadcast? If I could get Rowan—no. I can’t give anyone orders anymore. I only ruin everything.