But what if I’m right and I choose not to do anything?
My fingernails dig into my palm. If I don’t act now, what else could I lose? It’d be better to fight to protect what’s important to me than to not even try and lose everything left that I love. Jay was right. I can’t just sit here and indulge in my own self-pity anymore. I can’t stop here. Not yet.
I take a steadying breath. I can do this. I stand. It takes a few seconds to steady myself. Losing my arm was my only serious injury; the rest of my body has mostly healed, but I still feel like it hasn’t. Standing is disorienting—and makes me immediately irritated. The disconnect between remembering how easily, how thoughtlessly I’ve always moved clashing with how I feel in this moment cuts deep.
Then Erik is there beside me, holding out his arm for support. I take it.
We head into the hall, and I try my best to block out the panicked thoughts of everyone nearby rushing into my head. The questions, the fury—I can’t handle it right now. I have to stay focused.
As soon as Erik opens the door to the meeting room, loud conversation bursts out. Everyone still crowds around a now-dark monitor, talking over one another, trying to figure out what to take care of first. I spot Jay and Al standing next to each other, then find Trist and Peter, near the front, trying to gain calm, with Syon nearby.
I let out a long, steadying breath before I raise my voice. “Quiet.”
When everyone immediately falls silent and turns to me, I realize how uninspiring I must appear as a leader. I just rolled out of bed and I’m sure I look it. My bandaged stump of an arm is in clear view for everyone to see. But I straighten my back. I try to emanate the feeling of control I’d always felt prior to our huge loss. It doesn’t come as easily now, but I find it.
“I think Ellis’s broadcast is a distraction,” I say, pushing past my nerves. “It’ll throw the sector into chaos and confusion. People accusing each other. No one trusting those in charge. No one knowing what to do. It’s the perfect chance to deal Sector Eight a death blow.”
“But why would she—if she knew all this from the beginning, why didn’t she reveal it right away?” Erik asks. His question reflects everyone’s confusion. “She never even told me about all this.” I didn’t get the feeling Gabriel or the others knew, either. “Why would she even want this war on the sector when she could’ve just tried to overthrow the Council from the start? She could’ve done so much more to get peace for the gifted with this. She didn’t need war.”
“I have no idea what she’s thinking,” I say. “Maybe it’s because she’s more interested in wiping out the ungifted than getting them to live with us peacefully. But this is just like the negotiations meeting she staged. Why else wait until now to reveal such important information? This is nothing but a distraction for a bigger goal. We can’t fall for it again.”
The mood in the room shifts. The uncertain thoughts from when I first entered are still there, but sharpened with new purpose.
“Rowan, Navarro, find the files Ellis released and check their authenticity,” I say. I don’t leave myself time to question whether or not anyone will listen to me. “See if you can trace them back to their source—not the rebels, but to the cameras they were originally taken from.”
“Roger,” Rowan says with a salute. Navarro nods.
“Amal, you and the other captains gather everyone in the Order for an emergency assembly. We need to talk about Ellis’s broadcast before panic spreads.” I pause. “Along with some other important things moving forward.”
“Understood,” Amal says.
I open my mouth, close it. When my voice comes out again, it sounds less steady. “The rest of you, stay. We need to talk.”
Everyone rushes out of the room to follow my orders. I try to meet their eyes as they pass me by—I owe them that much, at least, having abandoned them after that last battle—but they’re all focused on setting out to accomplish their tasks.
Once it’s only the seven of us left, I look to Trist and Peter and Syon. I’m at a loss for words. All the times they came to visit me over the past few days, I didn’t know how to face them. I didn’t know how to talk about Fiona. But somehow, it was like they understood. They were quiet in their encouragement but strong. They really believed in me, even when I didn’t. Up until I saw Ellis’s broadcast and knew what she was going to do, I didn’t think I’d get back up. But somehow, they did.
“Good to have you back, Lai,” Peter says with a grin. Trist smiles as warmly as ever at me. Syon is more subdued, as always, but he gives me a small nod. I know he’s still mourning. Fiona was as close to family as he’d ever had. But he’s still moving forward despite that.
“It’s good to be back.” I take a deep, shuddering breath. When I speak again, my voice sounds stronger in my ears. “We need to plan a counterattack. I doubt Ellis will try to be sneaky; there’s no need for her to be since the sector will be in a state of chaos after that broadcast. We need to talk to Austin and coordinate with him and the military, but—I think we’re going to have to face the rebels head-on.” I hesitate for the first time since I started talking this out. “If anyone is willing to go back into battle.”
It’s a lot to ask of people who’ve already lost so much. Too much. Will any of them believe me about Ellis’s imminent attack? Will any of them even be willing to follow me into battle again? I doubt it. I don’t know if I would. But at the meeting, if it looks like everyone would rather have a new, better leader, I’ll step aside and let them choose someone else. The Order is more than me. It should be led by someone who has everyone’s trust.
You were wrong about me, Fiona. The Order doesn’t need me. It’ll continue on no matter who’s leading it, so long as that person has everyone’s confidence.
“I’m sure there are people who still want to fight,” Al says. She’s grinning fiercely. She’s been quiet but supportive the last few days, but this is the first time I’ve seen the fire back in her since our lost battle. “The Order’s made up of a bunch of survivors and fighters. I think you’ll have more takers than you think. Besides, it beats the alternative. I’m sure they all know that.”
Her confidence sinks into me, grounds me. How is she so good at that? “You’re right,” I say. “We’ll need a plan before we can convince everyone, so we’ll concentrate on that for now and go from there after the meeting. Jay—” I turn to him without thinking, but as soon as I see him, I flinch. We’ve spoken since our fight after I first woke up, but it wasn’t really ever quite right. Is he sick of me by now? Is he tired of my indecisiveness?
But when I lock gazes with Jay, his eyes are soft. His hands are clasped in front of him as he awaits orders.
I swallow. “Jay, I need you to meet with Austin as soon as we figure out details here. If we’re going to have any chance of pulling this off, we’ll need the military’s help. The Order alone can’t win this.”
“Of course,” he says. “Just say the word.” I’m … sorry for getting angry at you before. You were hurting. Of course you were. You needed time, not me exploding on you.