It’s only now that I notice his eyes are shining. The lanterns’ light flickers over his face, making his features appear sharper than usual. The light accentuates the dark smudges under his eyes. His fingers tremble where they dig into my shoulders.
Despite myself, despite all that’s happened in the past several hours, my heart jerks. “It’s all right.” I put my hands over his and squeeze. “I’m okay. I’m right here.”
His hands keep shaking. “I know.”
“I thought you didn’t care.” My voice comes out so quietly I’m not certain he hears it.
However, he must, because he looks down at the space between us. Then he hugs me to him once more, and I try very hard not to flinch. When he speaks again, he’s crying. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I can’t take back what I’ve done, but please—give me a second chance. I want to make things right between us. I want us to be a family, the way a father and son should be. Please, stop fighting and putting your life in danger. Let’s go home—together.”
I should be happy. If it was the me from before this war, from before I met my teammates, I would’ve been elated. Nothing in this world would have made me gladder than to hear my father say those words.
Now, I can’t stop thinking about all the nights I was coldly brushed off by this man, so different a person now as he holds me closer, as though he’s trying to make up for my whole childhood during which he wouldn’t touch me. The four years after I joined the military, throughout which he never once contacted me. I think of Lai, who gave up everything for so many years to fight for what was important to her. Lai, kneeling, bleeding, dying.
Strangely, I remember too the time Lai and I walked back from the Order the night before we left for the rebels’ “peace negotiations,” the way she looked up at the sky far overhead, streetlights flickering softly over her face as her expression softened and she said she wanted to meet her mother again.
“Thank you,” I say. “But I’m sorry. I can’t go back with you.” I gently hold him away from me, and now that I can see his tears, this man who I can never once remember crying, my heart twists. However, I say, “I can’t run away from this fight. I won’t run from it. We’ve already lost so much; I refuse to let those sacrifices be in vain. No matter what it takes, we’ll end this war. Until that happens, I’ll keep fighting.”
Purpose swells within me and grows with every heartbeat as I look at my father. He watches me back. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel like a match of wills.
Finally, he sighs. “I can see that I won’t convince you otherwise. You’re more stubborn than I thought—just like your mother.” He smiles slightly to himself. “If that’s the case, then all I ask is that you be safe.” He looks me in the eyes and takes my hands in his. “I mean what I said about becoming a real family. After all this is over, I’ll be waiting for you. So please, please come back.”
“I will.” A knot catches in my throat as I say the words, because I know better than to promise such a thing during a war.
My father reluctantly lets go of my hands. I glance at everyone still around us, and he understands. He gives me one last hug that I stiffly allow. Then he takes his leave.
People continue to rush by us into the infirmary, and I catch the whispers of those not too distracted by injuries or wounded friends. The Order’s remaining leaders, all falling apart right here in the hall. Everyone knows by now that Lai is Walker and that she’s critically injured, that Seung is dead—and now Clemente, Peter, and Syon, the last three core leaders, are struggling to keep themselves together. What would Lai say if she were here right now?
I take a deep breath as I turn to face my friends. Peter still holds Syon to him as though he’ll never let go. Syon’s face is buried in Peter’s shoulder. My heart aches just watching them. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I have any right to.
I take a heartbeat to gather my resolve. I have to hold it all in a single point in my chest for fear it’ll disperse and I’ll lose what I need in order to keep moving forward. “We need to decide our next step.”
They all look up at me—even Peter and Syon.
I force myself to continue. “The Order needs its leaders right now. Everyone needs to hear that this isn’t the end, that we’ll be able to recover despite our losses. If we don’t do something soon, everything Lai and Seung worked so hard to build will fall apart. They wouldn’t want this.”
There’s a feeling of rightness to the words. There’s something we can be doing right now. The sorrow and pain are still there, but greater than that is my determination to keep going.
Everyone’s presences are dark with pain, but a sense of resolve slowly begins trickling through them as well.
“We must keep moving,” Clemente says quietly when our eyes catch. “I know this. I know it is what both Fiona and Lai would want.”
Peter is silent for a heartbeat before he says, “We’re not going to lose anyone else if we can help it. We need to regather and reorganize.” He looks at Syon, still wrapped in his arms, and some wordless understanding passes between them. They stand. “It’s time to get moving.”
25
LAI
EVERYTHING IS DARK. Everything hurts. My right arm burns like it’s caught fire, but I can’t move. I fight against the heavy darkness trying to drag me down. What’s going on—where am I? Fight. Run. Go.
I wake up gasping for air—I can’t breathe—I can’t escape—and almost slam my head into someone leaning over me.
Something pushes my shoulders down. I fight against it, screaming now, then sucking in air, and the force tightens, and when I try to kick back, something pins down my legs, too, and I’m twisting, trying to escape, but everything hurts and my shouts turn to cries of pain.
I dimly hear someone speaking, as if from the top of a pit far above me. “Lai—Lai, it’s okay, you’re okay, please, calm down. Everything is okay.”
Someone brushes my hair back from my face with cool, gentle fingers. The words turn into soft murmuring I can’t understand, but the familiarity of it makes me pause. I hesitate, then the fight leaves my body all at once. I sink into the ground—no, a bed. I’m on a bed.
My vision starts to clear. Jay is the one leaning over me, sitting beside me on the bed as his one hand holds my shoulder down and the other keeps stroking my hair back. He’s still speaking softly, but I can’t make out the words.
The pressure on my legs lifts. “Lai? You with us?” Al. Al is here.
I blink. I can see Jay, but everything is hazy. I keep blinking, trying to make everything come into focus. I want to see him clearly. I want to see him so badly.
“Come on, Lai.” Another voice, softer. Erik. How is he here? Am I dreaming?
“I—” I try to speak, but the words won’t come. My throat is so dry. I don’t even know what I could say anyway.
Jay reaches over to somewhere I can’t see and brings a glass to my lips. He lifts my head and supports me as I try to drink the water. I almost choke on it.