He barely waits until I’ve reached him before he says, “Are you sure you’re going back out there? So soon—after what happened last time?”
“This could be the only chance we have,” I say. “If we can’t stop the rebels here, now, the sector will be lost. If they decide to aim for the dome and manage to crack it, all the ungifted will die within minutes. You know that.”
“I do. But I would rather it wasn’t you who was going out to fight.”
“Doesn’t everyone wish it were someone else?”
“Sometimes, I’m not so sure you do.”
His comment takes me aback. However, when I think about it, I realize he’s right. I don’t want to transfer this responsibility to anyone else. I want to do this myself. I want to fight for what I believe in—and protect the people important to me. Lai. Al, Erik. My friends in the Order. Even Father.
“I’ll be as safe as I can,” I say when I can find no other answer. “I don’t have a death wish.”
“I know.”
I hesitate. I still haven’t fully decided what I want to do about Father yet. I don’t know if I want any kind of relationship with him. I haven’t forgotten everything he did when I was a child. I still recall the exhilarating sense of freedom when I realized I no longer needed anything from him during that Order screening. I’m not sure I want to give that up. However, this all seems like something I can decide if—when I return. I can at least part with him on good terms.
“I’ll see you when I get back,” I say. That feels safe.
He also hesitates before answering. “Yes. I’ll see you soon.”
We hug, awkwardly and briefly, before I pull away.
I don’t look back as I head to where Al and Erik are checking their equipment. They’re both in their old officer combat uniforms with their red strips of cloth tied over their armor, the same as Lai and me. Whereas Lai’s is tied around her upper left arm and mine above my right knee, Al wears hers around her neck and Erik around his right wrist.
Al’s eyes lock on me immediately. “Everything okay?”
Her concern makes me oddly relaxed as I join them in double-checking my equipment. “As good as it could be, I suppose.”
“Glad to hear you’re as optimistic as ever,” Erik says. “You’re going to have to fill me in on the details with all that once we get back, by the way.”
I laugh. Over the course of the past few days, I’ve realized just how much I missed Erik—in some heartbeats, it feels as though he never left at all. I forget there are things he missed in his absence. Things we missed in his absence. “We’ll all have to catch up after this is done. I still haven’t had the chance to ask about your memories. Any luck?”
Erik smiles ruefully. “Some. Still missing too much to say the risk paid off.”
“I’m sure everything’ll come back someday,” Al says. She grips Erik’s shoulder, and he offers a tired smile in return.
“It doesn’t really matter if they do or not,” he says. “I don’t need them anymore.”
Al and I exchange a look of surprise; however, Erik doesn’t seem particularly perturbed by his statement. He looks over at Lai as she hugs Peter, Syon, and Clemente for a long moment before breaking off to come join us.
Her presence on my grid settles and grows calmer as she nears us. I take her hand in mine and smile at her. She smiles back, and despite her obvious exhaustion, it’s genuine.
“Remember,” Lai says, turning to all of us, “the goal is to buy as much time as possible. We’ll start with trying to negotiate. Assuming that fails, we go after the rebels’ leaders. If they fall, it should cause enough confusion in their ranks to buy us the time we need.”
Erik’s presence wavers. Lai looks to him, and I have a feeling they trade some sort of telepathic communication, because his presence settles once more. He’s still upset but more resolved somehow.
“I’ll go after Ellis,” Lai says. “She’s probably going to be coming for me anyway, so I’ll have to face her one way or another.” Before any of us can protest, she holds up her hand. “I know the risks. But this is something I have to do. Besides, I won’t be alone. I’ve asked several of the captains to help me. We don’t need to win against her, either—so long as we can hold her off until the military arrives, it’ll be our victory.”
“I’ll take Cal,” Erik says after a heartbeat of hesitation. “I think he—I want to try to convince him to stop. I think I can do it.”
Lai’s gaze is hard when it locks with his. “If you can’t, are you prepared to kill him?”
It’s an extended period of time before Erik answers. “I’ll do what I have to.”
He’s not lying, but his words don’t put me at ease, either. I’ll have to ask later who this Cal is to him.
“Dibs on my stupid brother,” Al says. She doesn’t look at any of us when she says it, and my heart goes out to her. She told us of her confrontation with her older brother a few days ago, once things had calmed down a bit, and of the things he said. Erik’s shock at their relation might have been the biggest surprise of all. After that, he spoke a lot about Gabriel and why he was with the rebels. From the way he talked, I gather they were close.
“So that leaves Joan and Devin?” I ask. I’m not sure which of the two I’d be less eager to face. However, I’ve realized a problem with this plan. I have no intention of leaving Lai’s side during this battle—but that leaves two rebel leaders unaccounted for, and both of them formidable enemies.
For the first time, Lai hesitates. “Peter volunteered to go after Devin, but I don’t like it. I know he wants revenge for Paul after what that rebel did to him. But Devin is strong, and I’m worried Peter might not be able to stay calm. I don’t think he can do it alone.” She looks me in the eye. I know what she’s going to ask of me even before she says it. “Jay. Will you help him?”
I don’t want to leave you, I think to her.
I know, she responds in my head. But this is important. We have to make sure all the rebel leaders go down. And if anything happened to Peter and I didn’t try to prevent it somehow, I’d never forgive myself. Please, Jay. This means everything to me. There’s no one else I’d trust this to.
My jaw clamps shut. I don’t want to say yes. I want to say there’s no way I’ll leave her to fight the rebels’ leader alone—especially after their last confrontation and her current state. But her presence is solid, sure. She knows what she wants. If I say no, I don’t know if she’d ever forgive me. “Of course,” I say. “I’ll do everything I can to make sure he’s safe. I promise.”
Her shoulders slump as though a weight has been lifted from them. “Thank you. And be careful. As for Joan, with her gift, she’s going to be tricky to deal with. I’ve asked two of our gifted captains to take care of her.” She takes a shaky breath. “If any of us fail, we’ll have to cover for whoever’s fallen.”
A heavy silence follows her words. Her meaning is clear. If any of us die, we’ll have to try to kill that person’s target as well as our own—with the knowledge that they killed one of our teammates.