“Should I talk to Neve with Dylan here?” I really don’t know what to do.
“I think you should speak with Dylan first, and ask him what he wants. From what I’ve seen of him, I think he’ll support you any way he can.”
I let out a chuckle. “Do you have any idea how hard this is? Every decision I make is a decision for four people, not just one. I have to consider what AJ, Kate, and Neve want whenever I make any type of choice or arrangement.”
“Molly, you have something that’s not common. Thankfully there’s a wide community of other people who have DID. Have you considered reaching out to them and making contact with others?”
“What do I say? Hey, I have DID. Want to compare notes?” I laugh at how stupid that sounds. How ridiculous. “Do you realize how much of a loser that makes me sound like?”
“What are you saying, that other people who have DID are losers?”
“No, that’s not what I meant.”
“What about if by you reaching out, you unknowingly give somebody else the courage to do the same?”
“What do you mean? Like someone else is afraid and doesn’t want to tell?”
“That’s precisely what I’m saying.”
“Well, that’s dumb. Why wouldn’t someone try to reach out for help?” Amelia tilts her head, and her eyes widen. “Oh, yeah, I get it.” She used my words against me. Smart.
“It’s certainly necessary you speak with all the others. And Dylan, but also reach out and ask the DID community how they manage having a healthy sexual relationship with their significant others. Because sex is also about intimacy too. It’s not all based on the act of sexual intercourse all the time. For Neve and you, you’ll have to find the balance of when Neve comes forward, and when you do.”
I shiver in disgust. “I don’t ever want Neve to be there for that. She’s only a child.”
“I think you’ll find Dylan won’t want that either. But have the conversation with him first. You both need clear boundaries and plans. What if Neve does come forward when you’re being intimate with Dylan? Both you and Dylan need to have a plan at how to handle that if it does happen. But the plan needs to be discussed with Neve, too. It’s only fair for her to have input. And she needs to know that you want intimacy with Dylan.”
“I don’t want her exposed to that. We need to talk about her staying away when Dylan and I… you know.”
“Neve is her own person. She may be young, but you should give her the option of what she wants to do. And before you think it, I’m not condoning her joining you and Dylan when you’re intimate. I’m saying she needs to feel like she’s being heard.”
“I think for Neve, it’ll be traumatic, and I’m really worried for her.”
“Talk to her. And next time I’m here, if you’re both okay with it, I can talk to her too. Perhaps, involve Dylan too.”
“This is never going to be easy, is it?” I ask sighing heavily.
“Easy? Life isn’t easy. Instead, this is a long, tedious journey and no one has a road map. Don’t expect each of your alters to automatically fall in love with Dylan just because you have. They all need to develop a relationship with him, just like you did.”
“What if this is too much for him, and he wants to leave?” I keep beating myself up over this.
“Relationships break up all the time. But a relationship based on trust, and in this case, strength, has less of an opportunity to crumble. You’re stronger than you think, Molly. The biggest thing I think you have to remember is to be patient with your alters. Remember that for the most part, they’re reactionary. These last two months have been a learning curve for everyone. You can’t expect for everything to be smooth and easy. It never is.”
“I feel like I have no control over myself.”
Amelia laughs. “Does anyone have control over themselves? Life is a series of events. Some good, some not. But other than waking up every morning if you’re lucky, you have no say in anything.”
I screw my nose up. “That’s quite pessimistic, isn’t it? So negative.”
She laughs again. “I’m a realist, Molly. I like knowing that each day, I have no idea what challenges will present themselves. We have to arm ourselves with knowledge, because knowledge is the ultimate power. If you choose to remain unschooled, then others will always find a way to take advantage of you. Equip yourself with power. Become an ultimate weapon. Because once you learn to understand AJ, Kate, and Neve, your life will become a lot less stressful, and a lot more enjoyable.”
“You make it seem easy.”
“Never easy.” She holds a finger up at me. “Just not impossible.”
I sit back down, and look out the window again. The tree is still moving in the wind, but somehow it doesn’t look as menacing as it did before. “I’ll talk with Dylan, and listen to what he wants to do. I keep giving him the option to leave, but he doesn’t want to take it.”
“Why would he? He loves you. You’re a beautiful young lady, both inside and out.”
“Because this is hard.”
“Yet, not impossible,” she reminds me.
It’s my turn to smile. “Nothing’s impossible,” I say. “I once read something on social media that says it’s only impossible until it’s not. I thought it was stupid when I first read it. But now, I understand it better.”
“How are you feeling about finding the person who did this to you?”
“Hard question,” I answer candidly. “I’m not really sure. I know Kate wants him dead. I’m concerned for Neve though. I’m not sure how she’s going to cope.”
“But she has you, Kate, and AJ to help her through.”
“Truth be told, I’m not even sure how I’m going to cope. I know this is something that has to happen. Because honestly, I’d feel worse about myself if I found out he had children of his own and he was…” I close my eyes, still finding it difficult to say the words. I take a several deep breaths. “…touching them. Especially if I could’ve done something to stop him. The guilt would eat me alive.” I open my tear-filled eyes to look at Amelia. “But in a way, I never want to see him again.”
“Your emotions are all normal. You’ll go through so many, and sometimes all in the space of moments. There’s something you have to tell yourself, and AJ, Neve, and Kate need to listen.”
“What?”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“What if…”
“Nope. Stop right there. There’s no other version of that statement. It was not your fault.”
“But…”
“No.” She shuts me down again. “It was not your fault.”
My hand flutters to my mouth, I nervously run my fingertips across my lips. My muscles all tense, and I’m overwhelmed by with reluctance to believe the words Amelia is desperately trying to get me to understand. I avoid her eyes, putting off responding.
“It was not your fault,” she says again.
I blink several times, keeping the tears at bay. I lift my hand, stopping Amelia from repeating herself. A shudder rips through my shoulders, making them tremble. “I need to get out of here,” I say as I stand.