“Let’s face it. I’m the one who’s forever going to have multiple personalities living inside. She was the normal one of us. She could’ve been so much more than I’ll ever be. She had potential. I have nothing to offer.” I hear Dylan let out a sigh.
“Do you believe your life is worth less than Tina’s?”
I crinkle my brows together, thinking about Amelia’s question. “I think she would’ve added more value to the world than I ever could.” Mom gasps, and when I turn to face her, she’s looking away so I can’t see her, but I know she’s crying. “Please, Mom,” I beg. “Don’t cry, I’m trying to be honest.”
Mom nods, but doesn’t say anything, instead offering a strained, fake smile with her eyes shimmering with tears.
“Why do you think she could add more value than you?”
“I’m…” What am I? “I’m not whole.”
Amelia looks to me, her eyes roaming over my body. “You don’t look like you’re missing any parts.”
“I’m damaged in ways I never knew I was.” I chew on my bottom lip, thinking about all of me. “Why didn’t I know about them before Tina’s death?”
“You probably did. But you buried them once he left the foster home. And then you were adopted into a loving family who welcomed you and loved you. As humans, we bury what we haven’t learnt to accept. Or what we’re afraid of.”
“I don’t know how to move forward.”
“We need to find a way for you to forgive.”
“Forgive? I can never forgive him for what he did.” Tears begin to well up in my eyes. “I may not remember, but Neve does. And I can’t, hand on my heart,” I place my hand to my chest, “ever forgive him for hurting us. I will never, ever forgive him.”
“I’m not asking you to. But I’m asking you to forgive yourself.”
I burst into tears. “I can’t. I should’ve stopped him. I should’ve yelled, and tried to get away from him.” Dylan carefully moves closer, as he slings his arm over my shoulders and draws me in for a tight embrace. “I should’ve done something, said something. I shouldn’t have allowed him to do that to us,” I say through the sobs.
“You were only a baby. A small child who looked to him for protection.”
“I should’ve done something. I should’ve killed him.” I don’t even know who I’m talking about now. I’m torn, my insides are fighting with so many emotions. “I should’ve killed them both.”
“This is survivor’s guilt, Molly.”
“I don’t care what it is. Help me make it go away.”
“Molly, the only way we can move forward, is if you face your past. Every ugly, horror-filled aspect of it.”
I nod my head. “I can’t live a life where I’m drowning in guilt and shame. But I don’t know how to breathe anymore.”
“Let us breathe for you,” Dad says.
“We all need help, Molly. Your Dad, me, and you. We’re all barely drifting through each day. But we have to keep fighting, for you and for Tina,” Mom says.
“I feel like I need to do something.” I shrug, not sure what that something is. “But I don’t know what.”
“What do you want to achieve?” Amelia asks.
“I need to do something that’ll make a difference.”
“A difference to you?”
“What happened to me has already happened, but maybe I can help someone else. Maybe I can give a voice to someone who’s going through it now, and is too frightened to speak up.”
Amelia nods. “First, you need to acknowledge what happened, Molly. Not to Neve, not to AJ and not to Kate, but to you.” She points at me.
“I acknowledge it,” I say.
“No, you need to be able to say it.”
I let go of Dylan’s hand, and stand. Zhen gets up from where he’s lying and follows me as I pace back and forth. “I’m not sure I can say the words aloud. Because once they’re out, there’s no hiding from them.”
The strongest you’ll ever be, is the day you tell everyone what he did to us. Neve’s voice is soft, but firm.
“You want me to say the words?” I ask Neve.
I want you to heal, and this is the first step to healing.
“Who’s with you?” Amelia asks.
For a moment, I forget they can’t hear Neve. I can tell them if you want.
“No,” I say. “I have to do it, or I’ll never be able to move on.”
“Who are you talking to?” Amelia asks again.
Tell them.
“Neve. I’m talking with Neve. She’s here with me.” I look past Amelia, focusing on a small dust bunny in the corner of the room. “She’s encouraging me.”
“Encouraging you to do what?” Dylan stands, and walks over to me.
I lift my gaze, and stare at him. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. My chest feels like it’s caving in. “I…” I suck in a deep breath. “I um.” I let out an audible loud sigh. “Whoa.” I click my tongue, struggling to say what I have to say.
We’re all here for you.
“We’re here for you, Molly,” Amelia says.
I let out a humorless chuckle while shaking my head. Neve, Amelia, Mom, Dad, Dylan, Kate, and AJ, they are all here for me. In a weird way, I know Tina is, too. I just need to find the courage and say the words.
“I…ah. I was, um.” A giant knot tightens in my stomach, my gut twists with apprehension.
It’s okay to say the words that have been haunting all of us.
“You’re so strong, I don’t know how you survived,” I reply to Neve.
We had to survive to keep you safe. You survived because you had to.
I lower my gaze again, tears filling my eyes. “Neve just said, they survived for me, to keep me safe, and I survived because I had to.” A few tears leak out of my eyes, and I quickly wipe them away.
Don’t wipe our tears. Let them fall. Let them show the world how strong we are.
Neve’s right. We are strong. Together, and separately. I turn so I’m facing my parents, Dylan, and Amelia. “He’s a pedophile, and he sexually assaulted me.” My body is hyperaware of every sound, every movement in the room. My arms cover in goosebumps as a bolt of ice runs the length of my spine. “He assaulted us,” I correct.
Mom is the first on her feet, pushing past Dylan as she wraps her arms around me. She extends her arms, including Dylan then Dad. I can hear her sobbing.
Dad’s breathless whimpers break my heart. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you,” he says through his own sobbing. “I’m sorry, Molly. I’m so sorry.”
The air in the room is overpowered by strain, though suddenly, I feel free. “It makes sense now,” I say while I look into the corner of the room.
“What does?” Amelia asks.
“The bunny.” I turn to Mom and take a breath. “Remember how I asked you about the rabbit?” Mom nods. “That bunny was a warning, wasn’t it?” I ask Neve.
It used to be something I found comfort in, then it became something I hated, because I knew what was about to happen.