I would have told my mom everything if she was still around to tell it to. I didn’t keep secrets from my parents; I didn’t need to. I wished I could have asked my mom for advice about the weird, intimate looks Tatiana and I had shared a few times, or what to do now that she was actually tolerating being in the same room as me. I’d ask her what I should do now that I know Tatiana is seeing a teacher. She’d have the perfect answer too, she always had the perfect answer.
The morning was awkward for me. It was like everything she did was tainted with an odd color, like a TV that somehow ended up on the wrong visual setting. It was just Tatiana enjoying cereal for breakfast, it was Tatiana, who was sleeping with a teacher, enjoying cereal. It wasn’t just Tatiana prattling on with her dad on the car ride to school, it was Tatiana, who was sleeping with a teacher, prattling on. What would her parents say if they knew? I could only imagine they’d be as horrified as I was, probably worse.
“What?” Tatiana snapped at me finally as we were walking into school.
“What?” I replied.
She rolled her eyes. “You’ve been staring at me with this weird look all morning. Is there something you want to say or are you afraid of telling a sadist like me?” I opened my mouth to respond, but she broke and started laughing. “I’m kidding. About the sadist thing, I mean, not about the weird look. Is there something I should know?”
Having Tatiana smile at me was always wonderful. Whether by choice, or by heavy-handed coaxing from her parents, she appeared to be letting the sadist thing go. I suppose I could take that win at least.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I lied.
Tatiana scoffed. “Well, that’s a complete lie.” I might have expected that she, of all people, would be able to read me like a children’s picture book. “But, I suppose I’m not in any position to force you to tell me the truth.” Sure you are. She flipped me the bird. “Bye.”
She turned the corner to walk away from me once we were inside the doorframe, and I suddenly felt compelled to say something. “Uh, Tati.” She turned and looked back at me, eyes wide. I was confused at first, but then realized I used her nickname for the first time since we’d parted ways the day I kissed her. “Ana,” I added quickly. “Tatiana. I have a question for you.”
She stood about ten feet from me with her arms crossed. “Okay?”
I didn’t know what to do. I’d acted on compulsion to call her name, but I couldn’t rightfully ask her in the middle of the school hallway about her relationship with a teacher. “Um.” I thought about it as deeply as I could, but no answer came to me. I couldn’t talk to her about it now, so now I had to figure out what to say. “Did you talk to Harlie recently?”
Shit. Colin. This is not a good alternate route.
Tatiana’s jaw tensed a little bit. “I mean… I talked to her the day after… you know.”
I fled from one corner and walked right into another one. “Did you say anything about… us.”
“Us?” Tatiana replied, an honest height to her voice, like she truly had no idea what I was talking about. Had I really messed everything up by kissing her back then? If I’d have known it was going to cost me our friendship, I never would have done it.
“You know what? Nevermind.” It was dumb starting this conversation right now. Any information I wanted about what happened between Tatiana and Harlie was going to have to come from Harlie. “See ya.”
I turned around without waiting for her response and started off. I felt like an idiot. Not only had I not gotten anywhere with trying to find out about Tatiana and Mr. Kepler, I’d opened a can of worms about our pasts that was probably going to bite me in the ass later. I passed my locker entirely, and walked up to Harlie, who was chatting absent-mindedly with her friends. As soon as I approached, her friends scattered like roaches when the light turned on. I must have been their topic of conversation.
Harlie turned her back to me and started sifting through her locker, even though I could see she wasn’t looking for anything specific. “Colin.”
“Can I talk to you?” I didn’t have time for fake pleasantries. “Somewhere private? There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Harlie looked over her shoulder at me briefly before grabbing something out of her locker and then slamming it shut. “Fine. Let’s go to the courtyard.”
I followed Harlie down the hallway, trying my best to ignore the points and whispers that found us as we walked. Our school was full of gossips. Harlie pushed her way through the door that led out to the high school courtyard. Our school was essentially a giant square, with a majority of each grade’s classes being situated in a different wing, along the edges of the square, with all of the electives and extracurricular classes being situated in the middle. In the bullseye of the square was a small courtyard with the greenery the gardening club maintained, and a statue of our founder. Students who needed fresh air were allowed to go out into the courtyard throughout the day, though it was mostly empty in the mornings on a fall day due to the chilly weather.
Harlie made her way over to one of the benches and sat down, crossing one leg over the other, and staring at me as though she’d already started an ‘explanation countdown timer’ in her head. Her attitude kind of pissed me off. She was the one who cheated on me.
I walked up to where she was and stayed standing in front of her. “First of all, can you drop this?” I asked motioning to her. “You kissed someone else, not me.”
“Really?” Harlie asked. “You haven’t kissed anyone else?”
“No.” The conviction in my voice was as solid as stone. “I’ve only kissed one person besides you and it was five years ago.”
Harlie uncrossed her legs and relaxed her shoulders. “Are you being serious?”
“Yeah. I’ve told you a thousand times that I take loyalty in relationships very seriously. I don’t know what you heard, but I wasn’t seeing anyone but you. I’m still not.”
Harlie swallowed hard as her mistake washed over her. “That’s not what it looked like on Saturday.”
“Yeah.” I sat down next to her. “Tatiana’s parents and my parents were really close, so we were good friends as a kid. I was feeling overwhelmed and she was helping me out. That was it.”
“You didn’t kiss?”
“No. It was just shitty timing. The only reason we were holding hands is because she had just helped me stand up.” I thought of the way I held Tatiana’s hand in mine and the way she looked at me when I did. It was hard to think that I was just confusing her feelings.
“Wow.” Harlie buried her hands between her legs and looked to the ground. “I’m sorry, Colin. I just wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. I don’t even care about that guy. I took a selfie of us and I was going to post it, I didn’t expect you to find out before that.”
“I came over to your house to talk and saw it,” I explained.
She looked up at me, and for as nasty of a person as I’d seen her be, she looked genuinely sad. “I’m so sorry. Some girlfriend I am. You lose your parents and I thank you by kissing someone else.” Her hand slid over and rested on my leg. “Is there any chance that we could…”