I walked aimlessly until I came across the small church. The children’s hospital was outside of Denver off the highway in Aurora. It was more in the suburbs and located next to a small neighborhood. The church wasn’t one of the big stone ones decorated with ornate stained glass and bell towers. It was small, white, and blended into the rest of the established neighborhood with ease. I don’t know why my feet seemed to guide me toward it, or what kind of resolution I was looking for, but I felt compelled to go inside.
However, if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have had any luck at all lately. The doors were locked, and I was left standing out in the cold, looking up at the building as if it betrayed me. I had to fight the urge to kick the sacred building, and I reminded myself that I wasn’t really a religious man, but right now, I needed to amplify whatever faith remained as much as possible.
I swore loudly and spun around in a rush when a hand suddenly landed on my shoulder. It was probably a good thing I didn’t get inside of the church, considering I’d definitely just taken the Lord’s name in vain. I pressed a hand to my racing heart and took the heavy canvas coat Remy’s mom handed me.
“It’s Rome’s. It’ll probably be too big on you, but you shouldn’t be out in this weather without a coat.” She lifted her pale eyebrows and skimmed her gaze over my short hair and bare hands. She shook her head and clicked her tongue. “Getting your kids to wear a hat and gloves when winter rolls around is apparently a job that never ends.” She looked at the closed doors of the church and back at me. “If you’re going to be out here for a bit, let me go find the things you need to keep warm. You won’t do your baby any good if you end up with a cold and can’t get in the room to be with her.”
I puffed out a breath and watched as it filled the air between us, making Cora’s face slightly fuzzy. Mother and daughter bore a striking resemblance to one another, so even though Cora Archer came across as fierce and protective, she still looked a bit like an adult version of Tinkerbell. They were both adorable, even when they were concerned and anxious. Cora’s worry for me was clear in her multicolored gaze, and I felt it hit me in the center of my chest like a balled-up fist.
I blew out another breath and tilted my head back to look up at the sky. “I just needed some air.” I put the too-big coat on and shoved my hands in the pockets. It was still warm, making me wonder if the small woman had ripped it off her husband’s body to bring it to me. “I’ll go back in a minute. Just need to clear my head a bit.”
She nodded and rubbed her hands together. She looked at the small church and then back at me. “None of the Archers are very religious. But we have a lot of faith. Faith in each other. Faith that things happen for a reason. Faith that we will all find our way to where we’re supposed to be. Faith that things will work out even if they seem impossible.” It was her turn to blow out a breath that fogged up the space between us. “I’ve been where you are right now, Hyde. I watched Rome slip through my fingers the night he got shot. And I watched Remy struggle to find her way back from the brink. I felt hopeless and wondered if there was anything I could’ve done differently to prevent the people I loved from getting hurt. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of them because I couldn’t protect them. Eventually, I realized I couldn’t stop a bullet, and in Remy’s case, all I could do was help her treat her disorder; there is no stopping it. You’re in the same situation, Hyde. You can do your best to prevent Hollyn’s illness from getting worse, but she’s always going to be at risk. You can’t stop every bullet that’s going to come her way. She’s so young, and there are going to be so many more trials ahead of both of you. You can’t tear yourself apart each time something bad happens. She needs all of you to help her fight, not what’s left after you shred your own soul into pieces.” She flashed a sardonic grin at me. “I learned that lesson the hard way.”
This was such a different conversation than the last one we shared over a serious matter. Back then, she seemed to share my concern that I was the root of the problem and made everything worse. Now, she told me I needed to pull it together and be totally present for better or worse. Nothing replaced being there for Hollyn while she was fighting to survive. And while I might not be able to stop a bullet with my bare hands, I could definitely stand in front of her and shield her from the blow as much as possible. I was a much bigger target, after all.
“I just feel like I should’ve done more.” I sighed and dropped my head so I was looking at the ground instead of the sky. Both were gray and barren because of the weather. “I understand why you wanted me to leave all those years ago. I want to remove whatever might harm Hollyn from her life, including me. If her mother was still alive….” I shook my head and trailed off. I couldn’t even say the words, so there was no way in hell I could actually hand my baby over to someone else without a fight. “Maybe she would have had more of a chance to be healthy and happy. It’s hard not to wonder if I’m enough.”
Cora moved to stand directly in front of me. She lifted her small hands to my face, clasping my cold cheeks between her palms. She was short enough she had to lift up on her toes to get a good hold, and I found myself unable to tear my gaze away from her two-toned one.
“You are enough. Even when you doubt yourself and blame yourself, you are enough. All she needs is you. She just needs you to love her, Hyde. Even when you feel like you aren’t sufficient, she’ll never know the difference. She’s fortunate to have so many people waiting to show her how special she is. She will never question how important she is, how vital she is to your life and your happiness. I know it was different for you because you remember your mom and the choices she made that hurt you, but Hollyn will only know you and the way you love her. Never give up on her or yourself.”
I nodded and felt the hot burn of tears behind my eyes. What she was saying made a lot of sense, but I still struggled to convince myself that I could be everything Hollyn was going to need me to be. My face was squeezed lightly as Cora dropped her voice and asked me in a solemn tone, “You want to know how I know your love is going to be enough for Hollyn?”
I sniffed and blinked hard against the water in my eyes. My throat was burning, and my chest felt like it was about to cave inward. “How do you know?”
She patted my frozen cheeks and then moved her fingers so she could force my head upward, so I wasn’t looking at my feet.
“Because your love was enough for Remy. It’s always been all she ever needed to feel complete. I don’t think either of us knows how many times you saved her when she was younger. But I’m certain I could’ve lost her if she hadn’t had you. I regret a lot of my actions from the past, but making you feel like you hurt her rather than helped her is at the top of the list. If I’m the reason you doubt yourself now, please don’t. I promise you that there is no better champion for Hollyn than you. You need to love yourself as much as you have always loved my daughter.”
I let out a long, slow breath and let her words seep into the places inside of me that had long been empty and uncertain.
“I really have always loved Remy in my own way. She’s what kept me going, even when we were apart. She’s always seen the best in me, even when I couldn’t.”