I turn my back to him, trying to breathe, trying to shake out my arms that feel so coiled up and tense that it’s just adding to the terror inside me.
“I was doing what I thought was best,” he says quietly.
That does it.
The rage spikes through me like a shot and I whip around, slapping Dex right across the face with an open palm. The sound fills the air.
His eyes go wide, mouth dropping open. His hand goes to his own cheek where I hit him as he takes an unsteady step backward.
And I can’t stop what’s happening inside me, can’t stop what I need to say.
“I hate you,” I seethe at him.
He chokes on his breath, eyes wide with hurt, looking like he’s going to be sick.
Good.
“I fucking hate you,” I say again, then start walking off, the anger inside me an inferno, even though I know it isn’t true, even though I’m starting to hate myself instead. Maybe I’ve always hated myself.
But Dex doesn’t let things go easily.
And for my sake, I hope he never lets me go.
He grabs me by my wrists and spins me around, pressing me so my back is up against a tree, the bark digging into my leather jacket.
“You don’t mean that!” he cries out, his face inches from mine, eyes burning. “I know you don’t fucking mean that. You love me, Perry. You love me.”
Part of me is breaking down the middle from seeing the pain and desperation igniting his eyes, like my soul is being split into two.
The other part of me is this endless pit of anger and frustration and sorrow that I can’t keep under control. I don’t know why it has me like this, why it’s taking over, if it’s Samantha or if it’s just me, if there’s something truly fundamentally wrong with me, all this shit I thought I’d dealt with but I hadn’t, and it’s finally coming out.
I clamp my jaws together, the muscles straining and sore as I try to keep everything back, to stop hurting him, but fuck, I am so hurt myself.
“You lied to me,” I manage to say, breathing hard. “Why did you keep this from me? You’re supposed to tell me everything. After you were so fucking angry at me because I didn’t tell you about Samantha, now you expect to get away with this? That you’re allowed to keep this from me and it’s all fine? It’s not fine, Dex.”
He swallows audibly, his eyes watering, his hands still holding me in place with all his strength. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to.
“I did what I thought was best and I’m sorry that I was wrong,” he says, voice breaking. “I wanted to honor your father Perry. He’s my father now, too. He’s the closest thing I have to family, and he confided in me. He pulled me aside and confided in me over his own daughters. Like I really was his son.”
The rage inside is tempered, just a bit.
“I trusted you,” I whisper. “I trusted you to keep me safe.”
Now I’ve broken him. He seems to crumble before my eyes. “I’m really trying, baby,” he says, pleading. “I’m trying so hard to keep you safe.”
And that’s when I realize what a fucking burden I am.
No wonder the me in the bathtub did what she did.
One less person to worry about.
I close my eyes, my hate spreading from him to me, until I’m hating us both, and from such a deep, dark place, that I don’t think I’ll ever crawl out.
“Perry,” he whispers, putting his hands on my face. “Please. Please don’t go down this hole, don’t let it win.”
“Let what win?” I whisper.
“Your depression,” he says hoarsely. “I know what it looks like. I know what it feels like. I know that it’s not always the thing right in front of you, the thing that’s haunting you, but it’s something deeper.”
“You’re saying Samantha is all in my head?”
“No baby. No. She’s real. She’s very real. But so is this darkness within you. I feel it. I know it as intimately as I know my own. And I know we can get you out of it. Just, please, don’t turn away from me. Not now.”
I open my eyes, tears running down my face now. “You broke my trust, Dex.”
His chin trembles, his fingers pressing into my skin, eyes wild. “I know I did, baby. I know and I’m sorry. I was wrong. I should have told you from the start, I know I should have. I just didn’t know how to honor your father and you at the same time.”
“You’re supposed to honor your wife first,” I whisper. “Especially when it involves her life.”
He nods, licking his lips anxiously, still looking so pained. “I know. All your father wanted was for me to protect you. And I couldn’t even do that.”
There’s a sharp pinch in my chest, the kind that wants you to keel over.
This man loves me so fucking much. I can’t let anything cloud that. I have to find that again. I have to believe it.
“You’re doing all you can,” I whisper. “You’ve done so much for me, Dex. I’m sorry I said those things. I didn’t mean it. I don’t hate you.”
He gives me a sad smile. “I know you didn’t. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t kill me to hear it. Please don’t ever say that again.”
“I won’t.” I lift my head so it’s resting back against the tree, my eyes going to the branches above. “I’m just…so angry, Dex. It scares me. I’m angry and tired and I’m scared and…I’m just so tired of being scared all the time.” I try to swallow. “I felt like I was so close to getting everything I wanted and then…it was taken from me.”
Dex runs his hands over my hair, over my face, cupping my chin. “I’m still here.”
I lower my face and stare at him, overwhelmed by every emotion under the sun, my mind clearly not thinking straight. “Kiss me,” I tell him for the second time tonight. But this time I’m begging.
Flames run through his eyes.
Then he kisses me.
His lips bruising mine, the back of my head pressed against the tree, the bark in my hair. Whereas our kiss from earlier was soft and sensual, this one is rough, and raw, and panicked. As if there’s some hourglass somewhere that’s just been flipped over and we’re running out of time.
Maybe we are.
“I’m still mad at you,” I murmur as his mouth goes to my neck and he grabs my ass, lifting me up until I’m pressed against the tree.
“Then stay mad,” he says, sucking and biting at my skin while I wrap my legs around his waist. “I deserve it.”
The anger wants to consume me still. So does the darkness. So does desire. Dex reaches down and unzips his pants and before I can even breathe, he’s pushing my underwear to the side and thrusting up inside me.
I gasp, pain overwhelming me for a moment, my body not quite ready for the size and speed of him. Then I’m holding onto his shoulders as he slowly pulls out and pushes back inside me, tight and hard.
“Fuck,” I cry out softly, feeling like I’m being broken and mended all at once. I want this to reset what happened, I need to let go.
“Never do that to me again, baby,” he says into my neck, thrusting into me hard against the tree. “Never tell me you hate me. That’s not fair.”