Grayson stopped at the bottom of the steps. His heart ached so much, he didn’t doubt it showed in his eyes. “Why?” He didn’t say more. His voice wouldn’t let him. But Grayson didn’t think he needed to clarify, since they both knew why he was there.
“I’m sorry for the way things ended, but I just can’t.”
Grayson needed more than that. “You just can’t what?”
Finley openly eyed Grayson’s injuries and then scrubbed at his face. “Any of this. After watching Coby die, I just don’t have what it takes to get left behind again. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough to risk my heart again. I thought I could, but I just can’t.”
Grayson nodded. He understood this part. Grayson had been here his whole life. Completely unwanted. “That’s fair. I got left behind when my parents died, so I get it. I understand not risking your heart again. But for the record, I also know that means you never really loved me.”
Finley jerked, as if Grayson slapped him.
Grayson didn’t stop. “You’re almost twice my age, and I know—realistically—that means you’ll likely die before me, but that still didn’t stop me from loving you. If you can stop yourself from loving me, then you never did.”
“It’s not that I don’t love you.”
“It is,” Grayson said, cutting him off. A sad smile pulled at the corners of Grayson’s mouth. It hurt his face. “I should know. No one has ever loved me. I know exactly what it feels like when it’s happening. It feels just like this.”
“Grayson, I—”
Grayson walked away. He might not be able to make anyone love him, but Jacob had finally taught him one lesson. Grayson knew now he shouldn’t keep trying.
Finley had always been great at hating himself. Still, as he watched Grayson walk away, he hit a new low. It wasn’t that he didn’t recognize that he had completely self-destructed the first moment he thought he might get hurt. Finley one hundred percent knew that. But Finley hadn’t truly accepted how cruel his decision had been. He wanted to chase after Grayson, but not only did he not deserve forgiveness, Finley knew Grayson was better off without him. But fuck if he didn’t miss him. Finley had never wanted to hold and comfort someone so badly in all his life. He had lost that right.
Despite knowing Grayson deserved better than him, Finley couldn’t let Grayson go completely. He dug out his phone and texted Benji.
Finley: Grayson just left.
Benji: That’s sad. I hoped you would take one look at him, fall to your knees, and beg forgiveness. You really were such a cute couple.
Finley: He deserves someone younger and less fucked up. With that said, is there any way you can send all his bills my way? I want to take care of him.
It took Benji a few minutes to answer. Finley watched three dots jump on his phone, showing Benji typing, and he knew he was about to get told everything he deserved to hear. Finley sat still and waited. It was the least of his penance.
Benji: I don’t know. When I left Silas, it hurt a lot that he thought his money could make up for anything. I mean, I don’t mind sneaking you his medical bills, but don’t think that makes up for what you’ve done. Grayson threw all his toys and pajamas away. He disabled his website and is looking into jobs. You broke everything beautiful and unique about him and I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you you’re bad for that. It was your job to keep him safe. Silas and I trusted you with him. Now he feels wrong for being the person you claimed to love. You know what? You’re right. He deserves better than you and I’m mad too. I used to feel very different from everyone, so I’ve been in Grayson’s shoes. You were supposed to be his daddy. You failed him.
Finley’s throat swelled as he read Benji’s words. He knew it was all true. Finley had failed. That was the truth of the entire situation. He was supposed to keep Grayson safe, and he hadn’t been there to do so. Just like with Coby, Finley had been a complete failure when it counted the most, and it was too much. Without thinking, Finley’s fingers moved across the phone. He found himself admitting the darkest thoughts in his head.
Finley: That’s what I do. I fail people. I couldn’t save Coby from dying and I wasn’t there when Grayson needed me. I don’t know how to fix anything because I’m useless when things get tough. Grayson thinks I never loved him, and I did that. He’s the perfect one. I’m the mess. He shouldn’t have looked my way. I have no business trying to take care of anyone. I can’t even take care of myself, so tell me what I’m supposed to do because I don’t know anymore.
The three dots jumped and then stopped. Finley growled and fought the urge to chuck his phone across the yard. Everyone was done with him, and he didn’t blame them, but fuck. Too much had happened to him in the last year and a half. He was broken. Just as Grayson had begun putting him back together, Grayson had almost died too. It was no one’s fault Finley couldn’t stop punishing himself for his inability to save Coby. He wished… he didn’t know what he wished. That wasn’t true. Grayson knew exactly what he wanted, and it wasn’t fair. He wanted his snuggly Grayson back. He wished for a second chance. Finley wanted to prove he wasn’t the piece of shit he had turned into since Coby died. His phone dinged, saving him from a complete meltdown now that truth hobbled him.
Benji: Do you love him?
Finley: Yes.
Benji: Do you want him back?
Finley: Yes.
Benji: Then I’ll help you make it happen.
A tear slid down Finley’s cheek, and he swiped it away. He had barely been holding himself together for a while. Now he let himself admit the truth: he had been stupid and wrong. The pain came next. His heart shattered. He had really let fear beat him and his sweet wee one had paid the price. Finley might never get to hold Grayson again. He drew a stuttered breath and another tear fell. Finley wouldn’t survive this life without Grayson, and he didn’t know if he could make it right. He was an idiot.
Chapter Ten
Silas and Benji’s property was surrounded by a tall stone wall. Finley was a big guy who wasn’t built for scaling unscalable fences. But there was no length too far for him to go to get to Grayson. Finley measured the exact feet of the fence, starting from the left back corner until he reached the spot Benji had told him to climb. He jumped and snagged the edge of the wall before hauling himself upward. It took several minutes and a long leap of faith, but he managed to hit the spot where Benji had disabled a camera. He only had a ten-minute window before Benji would reactivate the security for that corner of the yard. Benji couldn’t and wouldn’t risk their party guests’ safety for longer than that.
While sticking to the planned route, Finley high-tailed it through the backyard until he reached the house. From there, it was only a matter of acting casual and joining the crowd. Also, he needed to avoid running into anyone who might recognize him before he found Grayson.
Even though Benji claimed Grayson had thrown away his toys and whatnot, Benji had also promised he would get Grayson to the playpen tonight. Finley didn’t waste any time. He didn’t know how long he could stay before getting busted for party crashing, so he headed straight for the back corner of the ballroom where the Littles played. Finley spotted Grayson immediately. Despite being in the playpen area, Grayson wasn’t dressed like everyone else. He wore jeans and a t-shirt. Finley’s chest hurt. Grayson looked miserable. He kept his broken arm against his body, as if keeping it safe, while the other men crawled around him, trying to get him to play. As Finley moved closer, he spotted Silas sitting nearby, playing with Benji. His steps faltered, but he didn’t stop. Even when Silas’ chin lifted and his lips parted in surprise, Finley didn’t hesitate to jump the wall of the pen to get to Grayson. Grayson barely spared him a glance when Finley sat beside him.