That’s when his nightmares had started. That had been the start of it all.
Zoe shook off the dark memories and focused on what she had learned about the way the process worked. There was something Dr. Holbert had said that was ringing in her ears now. “Trust is essential, Evelyn. Do you trust me?”
“Everything okay over here?” Seeley said, joining them and yanking Zoe from her mind.
“I have an idea.” She looked to Lucy. “You trust me, right?”
“Of course,” Lucy said.
Zoe turned to look at Seeley. “I need you to back me up.”
“With what?” he asked.
Zoe started back toward the barn, and the other two followed. She stepped inside, Lucy directly behind her, and Gina looked up to meet them.
“This isn’t working,” Zoe said.
“RMT takes time—” Gina started.
“Yes, but she doesn’t trust you. So if Lucy tries again, I’m going with her.”
“What?” Lucy exclaimed.
“That’s not possible,” Gina said.
“Not physically, but with my voice. I’ll guide her through. She trusts me,” Zoe said.
“You have no experience—”
“I have some,” Zoe pushed back. “And I know Lucy, who she is now. I’ll guide her or she doesn’t go back in.” She turned to make sure she had Lucy’s approval. The girl nodded, and Zoe felt her confidence grow.
“This is ridiculous,” Gina said.
“This is the plan,” Seeley cut in.
Zoe glanced back at him.
“They do this together,” he continued, “or not at all.”
Zoe couldn’t help but give him a small grin. He nodded to her, and a small chip of her distrust fell away. In that moment she was glad he was there.
The three of them looked at Gina. And after a moment of staring at them in disbelief, she shook her head and conceded. “Fine. But if things go awry, I’m taking over.”
Lucy wrapped her hand in Zoe’s and smiled. “Ready?” Lucy asked her.
“Ready.”
TWENTY-ONE
I WAS SITTING on the bench between two worlds. But it felt different—the air, the wind that brushed over my shoulders. I wasn’t sure if the change was real or just in my mind. I was struck by the absurdity of my own thought and laughed out loud. Everything was in my mind.
“What’s so funny?” came the all-too-familiar voice.
I turned my eyes, and like every time before, she was there. The little girl in the unicorn T-shirt.
Lucy, can you hear me? Remember you aren’t alone.
Zoe’s voice filled me with warmth. Small and inside my brain like Dr. Loveless’s had always been, but more connected. Like her voice was a part of me.
“Yes,” I answered, “I can hear you.”
“You’re talking to yourself again, weirdo,” the little girl mocked.
This is your mind. You’re in charge here. Focus on level one.
I brushed the mean girl’s comments away and returned to the task at hand.
Let’s talk through what usually happens next.
“I follow the girl into the city, through the crowd.”
“Hey,” the girl said. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.”
Maybe don’t follow her then.
“But she takes me to the box.”
Have you tried going anywhere else?
No, I always followed the girl. I glanced down to ask the child what else was here, and for the first time she wasn’t there. In her place was a wasp. Black and yellow striped, crawling along the wooden planks of the bench toward me. Faster than I could move, it was on my hand, crawling across my skin. I froze, watched it creep over the soft flesh that covered my fingers. I wanted to swat it away, but for some reason I thought better of it. Maybe it was supposed to be there.
A moment passed as the wasp searched for something, and I remained perfectly still. Then as if I knew its thoughts, I knew it wanted to sting me, and I couldn’t have that. Faster than humanly possible, I lifted my opposite hand. The world slowed. I watched the wasp move its abdomen to sink its stinger deep in my skin, and I squashed it under my palm.
The sound of flesh smacking flesh echoed, and I raised my eyes to see that all the people that had occupied both sides of this dream world were gone. I was completely alone.
Except for the wasp, which I had just murdered. I lifted my palm, and the dead, crumpled wasp fell to the ground at my feet. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the sorrow of loss. I had no one now. I had killed the only other living thing.
Lucy, what is happening? Your heart rate is spiking.
“I killed it.”
Killed what?
“My friend.”
You didn’t. This isn’t real. It’s just in your mind.
“It feels real.”
I know.
“Now I’m alone.”
The words triggered another change in the world. Everything vanished and was replaced by a cellar. A dark room that smelled damp and felt frozen. I was no longer sitting on a bench but rather a cold concrete floor that met molding stone walls. The ceiling was low; a tall man would scrape the top of his head against it. There was only one door, slightly ajar, across from where I was sitting.
I stood, my head quite a distance from the ceiling because my body was small again. I was a child. I was remembering something from being a child. Someone spoke, a voice I didn’t know but recognized. I’d heard the person before but couldn’t remember their face or name.
“Ninety-six hours. Failure isn’t an option,” the voice said.
A small, trembling cry began. From inside me. I was the one crying. With that the door clanged shut and the world was completely black. I screamed as I rushed to the shut door, stumbled over my feet, and sprawled to the hard ground. My head collided with the concrete, and pain exploded down my neck and spine.
I shook the pain loose, pushed to standing, and felt for the rough wood of the door. I began to bang on it, open palmed, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Don’t leave me here, please! I’m sorry, I’ll be better. Don’t leave me. I’m afraid. I’m afraid!”
My small voice broke from the emotion, terror gripping my chest. A different kind than I remembered in the glass box. This terror came from being utterly alone.
Lucy, you’re okay. You’re safe. Remember.
“I’m not! I’m alone in the dark.”
You’re not alone. I’m with you.
“I’m alone. And I killed my only friend.”
Lucy, take a deep breath. You’re not alone. I am with you.
I cried in agony and tucked myself into a corner. I wanted to believe Zoe, but the terror and loneliness were so strong. I could hardly think past them as they began to swallow my mind.
I’m here with you. I’m squeezing your hand. Can you feel it?
I felt nothing.
Imagine it, Lucy. Me holding your hand, my fingers intertwined with yours. Feel my palm. It’s touching yours. You are not alone.
I brought my palm up in front of my face. I couldn’t see it through the dark, but I knew it was there. “I don’t feel it.”
Focus on my touch. My voice. Use it to anchor you.
I did as she said, and a slight tingle pulsed in the middle of my hand.